“I really don’t want to talk about it that much,” said Justine. “I would prefer to forget about the whole thing.”
Chapter TWO
During the fall and winter, they left her alone.
She didn’t forget, however. Nathan kept coming to her. During the night, he would come in her dreams; during the day, he moved behind her, so close that she could almost feel his breath, but when she turned around, he slipped away into a corner and disappeared.
Yes, Nathan came to her, but less and less often.
Then all of this with Hans Peter. That winter day of mild temperatures and the shine of rain on the window, when they had made love to each other for the first time, she knew he had to go, but she didn’t want him to.
He said he had to go to work at his hotel.
They were in her kitchen. He embraced her, sat her on his lap.
“So strange… we don’t really know each other… but still.”
She threw her arms around him and burrowed her face into his neck.
“We know each other a little bit.”
“Yeah…”
“I want to… again,” she whispered.
“Just a few minutes.”
“A quickie.”
She cleared the table until it was empty, leaned forward on it and lifted her dress. She had no panties on. He stood behind her, his hands running over her thighs and hips. She moved against him so he would get a hard-on; she felt him through the cloth of his pants.
At that very moment, the telephone rang.
“Fuck!” she exclaimed. “Fuck it all.”
He had taken a few steps backward, lifted the receiver and handed it to her. She shook her head, but it was too late.
“Hello?” she said tensely.
“Hello… I’d like to speak with Justine Dalvik.”
“That’s me.”
“My name is Tor Assarsson. I’m Berit’s husband. I understand that you and Berit were schoolmates.”
“Yes, that’s right. Hi.”
“I’m nervous about her. She’s disappeared.”
“She has?”
“She hasn’t been home for over twenty-four hours.”
“Uh-huh?”
Her headache started It ate itself into her forehead and when she turned, it seemed like the skin of her cranium was being pulled, as if her entire skull had shrunk.
“I’m wondering… she was going to your place. Did she show up there?”
“Yes, yes, she did. We sat and talked for a while during the evening.”
“For how long?”
“I don’t know, I wasn’t paying attention to the clock.”
“Was it late?”
“Somewhat late perhaps.”
Hans Peter was observing her. He zipped up his pants; he smiled and shook his head. Justine tried to smile back.
“I have to admit that I am really worried.”
“I understand…”
“This is not like Berit. I’m afraid that something’s happened to her. Something bad, something awful.”
“Maybe she took a trip? Maybe she just needs to be alone for a while?”
“Did she say anything like that to you?”
“She didn’t seem happy, if that’s what you mean.”
“She’s had a rough time of it lately. And maybe I wasn’t supporting her the way I should have. What did she say? What did the two of you talk about?”
“She talked about her job, that she didn’t want to move to Umeå, or wherever it was.”
“Luleå.”
“Yes, that’s probably it. She was unhappy and afraid about the future.”
“Could she have done something to herself, do you think?”
His voice was rough; she could tell he was about to break down.
“I don’t know. We really don’t know each other all that well. At least, not as grown women. I have no idea if she’s the kind of woman who would do something drastic. I just don’t know.”
“I’ve never thought of her as that type. She’s been stable and strong in all ways, in spite of difficulties. But you never know… She’d gotten to that age, I think, you know, menopause and all. I think her menopause had just started. Hormones can cause women problems, or so I’ve heard.”
“That can happen, that women sometimes have complete personality changes.”
“Though I haven’t noticed any such tendency.”
She heard Hans Peter go down the stairs. He was going soon. She noticed she didn’t want him to go. For the first time, she felt that she did not want to be alone in the house; she wanted to go with him, go anywhere, just get into the car and drive.
“What did she say when she left?”
“When she left? Yes… she said she was going to walk up to Sandviksvägen and take the bus, I believe. But we had been drinking quite a bit… I don’t really remember what she said.”
“Was she drunk?”
“Yes, pretty drunk.”
“Do you think she might have fallen down somewhere?”
“I don’t know. Wouldn’t someone have found her by now, if that were the case?”
“Why didn’t she take a taxi? She should have taken a taxi.”
“Maybe so.”
The man was breathing heavily.
“I’ll have to call the police. There’s nothing else left to do. Then I’ll go out and look for her. I’ll come around your place, too.”
“I don’t think I’ll be home.”
“Hmm. OK, here’s our number and the number of my cell phone. If you need to reach me. If you remember something that you haven’t mentioned.”
He had put on his jacket.
“Well, we didn’t have the chance for that lovely moment,” he said as he hugged her. “I’m going to have the image of your beautiful ass in my head tonight. I’m going to have a hard-on all night.”
“Oh, do you really have to leave?”
“Yes.”
“It’s so stupid that I forgot to disconnect the phone. I always pull the phone out of the jack. I don’t like people calling here at all hours.”
He pushed her slightly away.
“But Justine, don’t do that! How am I supposed to reach you?”
“But you came here, didn’t you?”
“But if I can’t?”
“Well…”
“Tell you what. I’ll buy you a caller ID.”
“What’s that?”
“Don’t you know? It’s a little gadget where you can look at a display and see the number of the person trying to reach you. If you don’t want to talk to Aunt Greta, you don’t have to answer.”
“I didn’t know that there were such things.”
“There are. Look, I’ve got to rush off now. I’ll call you tomorrow when I wake up. I’m already longing to call you.”
She was in the house. She was alone. She locked the doors and went through all the rooms. She washed the dishes and put things away. Then she turned out all the lights, and pulled the telephone cord out of the jack.
She stood by the kitchen window. She didn’t want to go lie down, didn’t want to close her eyes. The ache nibbled away at her brain, nibbled and ate.
She stood in the darkness and saw him come. He looked just as she thought: grey coat, white and blank face. Not even his worry was able to erase the look of an effective bureaucrat. She heard his steps on the outside stairs, then the doorbell which burrowed into the center of the house.
He waited a moment, then rang again. When nothing happened, he began to go around the house and toward the lake. She ran up the inside stairs. She saw him stand next to the edge of the ice. He took a few careful steps and then turned back. He had shrunk a bit more.
She felt incredibly sorry for him.
During the night, it began to snow. The thermometer showed a few degrees below freezing. She didn’t get undressed; she wandered around the house and kept bumping into the walls as if she were blind. She had swallowed a few pain medication pills, but the pain remained in her head, barely affected.
It was two in the morning. She plugged in the phone and dialed.
He answered right away.
“Hi, again. It’s Justine Dalvik. Sorry that I’m calling so late.”