One is tall and the other short. They both have hair and eyes and wear suits and shoes. Although they both are good, they are not friends.
The one driving, the one who says that pussy’s pussy, is recently married. The woman he married works as a receptionist for a dentist. She is a good woman. She was born and raised in Wisconsin. She has alabaster skin. She is hoping to become pregnant soon and is unaware of her husband’s thoughts on the similarity of female genitalia.
The one driving turns the radio down and says, Then what is it, then?
The one in the passenger seat says, You have to open your eyes, man. The answer’s obvious.
The one in the passenger seat is not married, never has been, and probably never will be. He does not have any siblings or close friends. He considers himself average in every respect and most agree he is correct in this, as he is neither handsome nor unhandsome, bright nor dull, witty nor humorless. He talks to his mother on the phone every day, roughly the same time every day. He tries to eat vegetables every day. There are other things he does every day, but they aren’t worth noting.
The two of them are on their way to a meeting across town.
The one driving will buy his wife flowers once a month. Dendrobium orchids are her favorites, and he made an effort to remember this the first time she told him. They were at a restaurant when this conversation took place. It was their second encounter. Certainly there was wine, an appetizer, salads, entrées, dessert, premature emissions from both parties. At one point she said, Surely there has to be, and he agreed.
Later they retreated to separate corners. The following week nothing in the world happened for either. Rather, they both slept, showered, maintained personal hygiene. They worked, ordered lunch, and commuted home, checked mail, exercised, watched television, roamed and repeated daily, but not with each other or in consultation. Both thought of the other, alone at night, and periodically through the day, wondering this or that, wondering if the other was likewise alone at night, up beneath the blankets, not sleeping, maybe getting out of bed to turn on an air conditioner or a sound machine, something that would make noise, take up space, provide a distraction, still wondering what the other might be doing and with whom, both thinking ultimately it was none of their business, that there was no actual bond between them, spoken or unspoken, no implied covenant, but still there was something, though perhaps it wasn’t mutual, perhaps it was entirely one-sided, but even still, they wondered if the other was up wondering the same things, still curious, still uncertain but excited, still hopeful. Both considered calling the other but then reconsidered. One or the other maybe even picking up the telephone, maybe even dialing the first few numbers, but in the end doing nothing, putting the phone back down, thinking it inappropriate, too forward. Both consulted friends on the next best move throughout the week and were confused by what they heard, how they were counseled. Then, finally, one did call the other, deciding enough was enough, and after a few false starts and the requisite back-and-forth, they came to terms.
The one driving says, What do you know about it?
The one in the passenger seat looks at the one driving. He says nothing.
The one driving likes to hold his wife’s hand when they go out walking. They make it a point to go for a walk twice a week after dinner. She always chooses the path and he follows. This is how they both want it. Once she let him choose the path and they ended up on the wrong side of nowhere.
Their first outing was a walk through the park. During this walk they did not hold hands, though the one driving briefly considered doing so or trying to do so. He realized she might get the wrong idea, that the gesture could be misinterpreted. He thought people from the Midwest were more likely to misinterpret certain gestures. He put his hands in his pockets instead, playing with the loose change he found there. On this particular walk neither led the way, rather, whenever one seemed to meander down this pathway or that one, the other was only too happy to follow, thinking nothing of it, like what could happen if they ended up on the other side of the park after sundown, knowing that people are sometimes harassed on that side of the park at night, even mugged at knifepoint. Nothing like that happened during their walk together, but it could’ve. Had that have happened, had a mugger actually pulled a knife on them, demanding their undivided attention, their wallets and jewelry, their full cooperation, the one driving would like to think he’d have risen to the occasion, that he could have played hero, staring the mugger down, unblinking, the look in his eye telling the mugger that he’d better move on, take his business elsewhere. Otherwise, he’d have to relieve the mugger of his knife, take it off him, getting up real close, daring the mugger to make his move, to flinch. He’d say something like, I’ll take that for you, or You won’t be needing this. Then he’d put the mugger in a headlock or pin his arm behind his back, effectively making a citizen’s arrest, telling his future wife to call the police. He’s pictured it before, many times. But nothing like this happened on their walk together. During this walk each of them looked mostly at the path in front of them, turning every so often to smile at the other or see if the other was smiling back. More often than not, each was smiling when the other looked, except for once when the one now driving mentioned his father, how he’d been arrested once or twice, was never around much, and how that he’d never actually known the man.
Both were pleased with the outing, how it went, and what it promised.
The one driving says, What’s the difference?
The one in the passenger seat says, If you have to ask. .
At home, they divide the chores evenly. He cooks most nights and is responsible for going to stores — hardware, grocery, whatnot — though he is always overwhelmed in a store. He never can decide which item to purchase, which brand is best. Recently he has asked his wife to make lists, this way, he will not have to make any decisions himself.
It takes him twice as long to shop for groceries as it does the average person.
Once she thought something had happened. She thought he’d either run off with someone at work or been killed. He used to mention one of the sales representatives by name. He said something once about her eyes and legs. When he said this about the sales representative, she said, I think we have to get something straight here. She was removing a brassiere, arms twisting around her back, hair down around her shoulders. He was watching. He likes to watch his wife disrobe. Sometimes he lingers on the other side of doorways. He will put his eye against the space between the door and wall. Once he dropped outside the bathroom to look under. He lay down on the carpeted floor, making sure that the floorboards stayed quiet as he did this because sometimes floorboards advertise one’s presence. He can always hear her when she is on the move from the bathroom to the bedroom. She is light on her feet, but that doesn’t matter, apparently, at least not to the floorboards. Once on the floor, with his right cheek pressed tight to the carpet, he got to see those light feet, how she rose up on her toes to drape a towel over the shower rod, almost like a ballerina. Sometimes he will handle himself through his pants, but he never takes himself out, never tries to finish. He is always hopeful that they might have a go afterward. She is usually a good sport concerning his need for a go.
The one driving says, It’s like the old joke: Take my wife. She’s a good woman, but my dick isn’t going to suck itself.
Unbeknownst to him, she is aware of his voyeurism. She hasn’t confronted him about it because she doesn’t mind him spying on her. She would rather he spy on her than on a neighbor, though she is worried that he does this, as well. There is an attractive woman across the street and she has noticed her husband observing her. The first time it happened was on a Sunday as they were getting into the car to go shopping. On Sunday, they shop together instead of walk together. They both think it important to do things together, for the marriage. In truth, the wife doesn’t like to shop, but she also doesn’t like it when she gives the one driving a list and he fails to acquire every item listed. Sometimes what he forgets is the one thing they need most, so Sunday is reserved for them to pick up what he’s forgotten during the week. On this particular Sunday as they were getting into the car, she noticed him glance several times across the street, and there was the woman. She doesn’t know who this woman is, doesn’t know her name, her occupation or if she has one, whether she is single or married or what. She looked at her husband after his second or third glance across the street and told him to get in the car.