Go so far over budget that no one will dare shut you down.
Tell anyone who will listen that both the actor and Star are contenders for year-end awards. For lifetime awards. For awards that will have to be invented.
Tell them to start preparing speeches.
Weave the gratitude of your own speeches into everyday conversation, overthanking everyone you interact with, even those who should be thanking you.
But temper expectations publicly.
Say to the press, We’re just trying to tell an honest story here. It’s all any of us can ever hope to do. Thank you so very much.
While on the set, always stand with hands in pockets, squinting, the black crow on your shoulder a symbol of something the actor, Star, and idiot could never hope to understand.
Embrace the Hindu boy frequently.
Eat cherries, spitting acidic juice into a handkerchief as if it were blood.
Make cinematic history.
Acknowledgments
THE AUTHOR WISHES TO THANK Antoinette Lopez, Sam Ligon, Deanna Monet, and Erika Goldman. Thanks, also, to the editors of the journals in which these stories first appeared:
“Welcome to Someplace Like Piscataway”
in The American Reader
“Now I Am Doubled Over,” “Why We’re Trapped In A Failed System,” and “Someone Great Like Socrates”
in New World Writing
“I Want To Kiss Myself, Good God”
in The Literarian
“Anytime, Sweet”
in Gigantic
“Family of Man on Isle of Wight”
in The Collagist
“The Problem with Green Bananas” and “A Regular Day for Real People”
in The Brooklyn Rail
“Guiding Eyes for the Blind Dog Training School”
in Indiana Review
“Goodnight Maybe Forever”
in Willow Springs
“Good People”
in Dossier Journal
“Essentials”
in Failbetter
“The Sky Was Everywhere Like Water”
in New York Tyrant
“A Cloud That Looks Like Jesus”
in Fanzine
“Big People Everywhere”
in The Literary Review
“How to Direct A Major Motion Picture”
in Puerto Del Sol
“Christine and Grace, Naturally”
in Hobart
“The Human Cost”
in Memorious