In line with her firm belief in the holiness of the human body, my mother wore no make-up, no earrings, no jewels at all apart from her wedding and engagement ring; she was a well-built, auburn, rather attractive woman, I suppose, with a pale quiet intense energy. Her sister, Aunt Mavis, on the other hand, made up heavily and did everything to hair and skin that the fashions of each season dictated. Barely two years younger than my mother, she nevertheless affected the manner and aspirations of the teenage factory girls she worked with. I remember her, well into her thirties she must have been, still talking to us with adolescent dreaminess of Mr Right and the very large family she intended to have, when quite probably she had never so much as been kissed. She was ugly. Her features were oddly flat, she had no chin, and there was something out of true about her eyes, so that only one ever appeared to be looking directly at you.
As I grew older I began to appreciate that Aunt Mavis was a figure of fun, even ridicule. She said things out of the blue, laughed when there seemed no reason to, or alternatively cried. At nine or ten perhaps I began to feel seriously embarrassed about her, especially if I brought friends home, embarrassed that she was part of our family at all. It seemed so extraordinary, this having to accept the imposition of people you weren’t comfortable with. Forever chattering and clapping her hands, forever retailing the small change of factory gossip, a curiously vacant expression hovered about Aunt Mavis’s flattened features, a disturbing lack of focus. She wasn’t a normal person. Apart from the television, she dedicated most of her spare time to the Harrow branch of the Elvis Presley Fan Club, of which she claimed to have been a founder member. And perhaps she was. It was inane enough. All I know is that as she chunnered on and on, always senseless, always excited, full of affected gestures and expressions which often she misunderstood, I simply wished and wished she would disappear.
Twenty years later, during the months of guerilla warfare that tore the heart out of our marriage, I remember Shirley telling me that I had been entirely conditioned by this family of mine, that I had just soaked up the pathetic piety of my mother, the coarseness of my grandfather, the amorality of my sister, and a fair dose of poor Aunt Mavis’s dumbness too. These are the kinds of things one says in arguments, I suppose, and my own feeling is that nothing could be further from the truth. What kind of combination would that be? Piety, coarseness, amorality?
‘They don’t mix,’ I told her.
‘Dead right,’ she said, ‘you’re a bundle of contradictions, George Crawley, and unpleasant ones at that.’
But those were the good old days, pre-Hilary. I can’t recall Shirley and I arguing in quite the same aimless, indulgent way afterwards.
Walking Wounded
My mother led a strange life. At home, in Gorst Road, she was little more than a slave. Even Aunt Mavis used to demand things of her, would say: ‘I’m the modern woman, aren’t I? Bringing home the bread, the least I can expect is to have my bed made for me.’ She blinked, gormless and vapid.
Mother bowed to it. She did everything, shopped, cooked, washed up, cleaned, mended, gardened, darned, scrubbed, laundered, ironed. She was always tired, her skin always rough with work. And it occurs to me that apart from the brief interlude of her marriage, of Africa, she had been doing more or less the same thing in the same house since her early teens when her own mother died. For all of which she received no pay and less thanks, not a person who didn’t take her for granted.
Yet the curious thing was that at our church, the local Methodists, Mother was a figure of considerable importance: a taker of meetings, reader of lessons, organiser of conferences and outings; a woman of quick decision, easy authority and loud, strong singing voice. We sang, ‘He who would valiant be,’ and she was booming and triumphant. For Father had been valiant. We sang, ‘For all the saints, who from their labours rest,’ and she had tears in her eyes, thinking of the saint my father had been, the rest he had deserved.
She was much loved, even revered. People came to her with their problems. They came with the most intimate problems, the most serious, even legal problems. For them she was both comfort and oracle. People came and wept with her, prayed with her, told everything. I always found, and to this day still do find, this fact extraordinary. I myself was unable to talk to my mother about anything: about religion, about my own wilderness of doubt, about my dead father, about Grandfather’s unpleasantness, about Aunt Mavis’s queerness, most of all about puberty (Peggy’s an explosion, physical and behavioural, my own slower, more furtive and guilty, later bold and deceitful). I was unable to talk to her about anything, and she in turn made no attempt to tackle anything intimate with me, nor with Peggy, who, through her friends at school, became my chief source of the vital information one inevitably grubs around for at that age.
I remember looking in Mother’s handbag. I was supposed to be getting change for collection. She wasn’t going to church for some reason. She had problems with her hips sometimes. Bouts of something or other. And ferreting for her purse amidst a mess of hankies, keys and scraps of paper, breathing the forever memorable, blown-nose and old-leather smell of her bag, I came across a tampon, a cylinder wrapped in ricepaper. I said: ‘What’s this, Mum?’ At once she was flustered. I latched on immediately. ‘What is it?’ I said. ‘Put it away.’ ‘But what is it, Mum?’
You would have thought, looking back, here was her opportunity to give young George his lesson, to guide him towards some mature understanding of the female body. But no, she says: ‘It’s a cigar.’ I couldn’t swear, but this may be the only straight lie my mother ever told me. ‘For Grandfather.’
I looked at the long tube in its flimsy paper cover. It looked the right shape for a cigar, the big ones they advertised with organ music on the box. I said: ‘But you don’t like Grandad to smoke.’ ‘For his birthday,’ she wriggled. ‘It’s next Friday you know.’ She found a painful smile. ‘We can waive a rule for his birthday, can’t we? Bless his dear heart.’
And I swallowed it. The extraordinary thing being that she then went out and actually bought a cigar for the old man’s birthday. Odd, no, to think of my mother being so cunning, so resourceful in her prudishness? For what? To save my innocence? In a world where the worst is anyway chalked on every wall. In a family where, that very evening, Peggy had already told me everything, mocking my innocence, even showing me quite graphically (using a ‘Q’ tip) how you fitted them in.
Yet almost everybody in the church brought their problems to this woman, their confessions. They came to her after service in the hall where we had coffee and she would go off with them to the vestry, leaving Peggy and I to kick our heels in the yard amongst stacks of coal and tiles from the roof they’d had to remove because they were dangerous. They came to her at home in Gorst Road, sometimes late in the evening and she took them to her room. ‘Here comes another of the walking wounded,’ Grandfather would announce when the bell ding-donged in the middle of the Man from Uncle, Harry Worth’s Half Hour. ‘Out with the bandages. Call the nurse. Or is it to be last rites?’ And when one Saturday afternoon a black came, he said with his extraordinary flair for insensitivity: ‘Don’t you think we should frisk him? Don’t want any trouble.’