I often thought of Gretchen with Edward and their little girl. My mother wrote of them from time to time.
We are delighted and Edward is ecstatic. Gretchen is overjoyed about the child in spite of her worries. Alas, she gets more anxious about her parents every day. Your father thinks the situation is rather grim and he is very suspicious of what Hitler will do next if they let him get into Czechoslovakia. What a nuisance that man Hitler is! I wish they could get rid of him.
How are you getting on down there? I do think they are foolish to make all that fuss about Tristan’s staying there. After all, it is you and Nanny Crabtree who are looking after him.
I can’t see why you couldn’t come home…for a visit, anyway. You must come up for Christmas and bring Tristan and Nanny with you. I’m sure he’d be all right to travel now. He must be getting to be quite a person. I’d love to see him. Come for a long visit. Your father misses you…as I do.
How is Dermot? It was a terrible thing to happen. You say he gets about in a wheelchair. Well, that’s something, and I expect he will eventually improve. Poor boy. Let’s hope that one day they can do something for him.
Don’t forget, dear, we want you home…with Tristan. I think they will come round to letting us have him in due course.
I did not think they would, but perhaps in a few months I should be able to take the baby home for a visit.
I often took out the miniature of Dorabella. I would hold it in my hands and look back over the years. It was a foolish habit and could only plunge me into melancholy. Dorabella herself had once said that brooding on what couldn’t be changed was like taking your sorrows out to swim instead of drowning them. She had heard that somewhere and liked it.
If only she could come back to me.
Then it occurred to me that she had once said she would always have the miniature of me with her. She kept it in her room, the dressing room in that bedroom she had shared with Dermot.
The room was not occupied now that Dermot had one downstairs. I wanted to see the miniature. The pair should be side by side.
I went up to the room, with its four-poster bed, the large and heavily draped windows.
I had seen the miniature on a little table in the dressing room. It was not there now. I remembered that she had said she would put it away in a drawer because she did not want to be continually reminded of my desertion.
I had once seen her take it from a particular drawer. It would be there now, I guessed, because I had not been in the house when she had gone down to take that fatal bathe.
I opened the drawer. There were a few things in it—some gloves and handkerchiefs and a belt, but no miniature. I took out everything and felt round the inside of the drawer. Nothing.
Where was the miniature, then? Perhaps in another drawer? There were three others. I searched them all, but the miniature was not there.
Puzzled, I looked round the room. I went into the bedroom. In the wardrobe there was a shelf and another drawer. But the picture was not there, either.
I wondered where it could be.
The uneasy weeks were passing quickly. There were long summer days when I met Jowan, perhaps three or four times a week. I met a number of the farmers on his estate; he was always busy and would invite me to accompany him on the calls he was making.
I was getting to know his grandmother. There was a very strong bond between them; she doted on him and I liked his attitude toward her which gave an impression of light-hearted affection, but I sensed it went deep.
Those meetings with him were the highlights of those long summer days. There was an aura of unreality about everything…my life…the world itself. There were war clouds on the horizon, and I often felt that I was seeing the end of an era. I was drifting along without the ability to exert my will. It was as though everything was being decided for me.
I continued to be baffled by the disappearance of the miniature. I mentioned it to Matilda.
“I’ve looked in the dressing room and bedroom. That was where she kept it. I can’t think of anywhere else she might have put it.”
“I expect she put it away somewhere.”
“I wonder where? You know I have one of her and they are a pair of frames so would look well together.”
“She was very fond of it. It’ll turn up one day, no doubt.”
Once when I was sitting with Dermot I asked him if he knew where the miniature was.
“It’s in the dressing room, I think,” he said. “She kept it in a drawer there and took it out when you were there. She didn’t want to look at it often when you weren’t there. She said you were a beast to stay away and she was hurt by your desertion. She didn’t want to think of you. You know what she was like.”
“Yes. She said that to me.”
“It will be somewhere about.”
He was sad and I wished I had not raised the subject because it had set him thinking of her afresh. Not that she was ever far from his thoughts.
“They were beautiful, those miniatures,” he mused. “The painter had caught the likeness of you both. It was just like her, wasn’t it?”
I said: “Yes, Dermot.”
“She had something on her mind…at the end. It used to worry me.”
“What was that?”
“I didn’t know. I just had the feeling that things weren’t right somehow.”
“What do you mean?”
“Sometimes…she was too merry…a little…well, not spontaneous, but as though she were pretending everything was all right, as though she were planning something. She had some secret. I think she didn’t like it much here. It was too dull for her. Sometimes, I used to think…”
“What did you think?” I asked sharply.
“I wondered if she were planning…to leave me.”
“No.”
“It was just a fancy.”
“That could have been so. She was happy. She had always been the restless sort. She would have told me if anything were wrong.”
“Would, she?”
“She always did.”
“But you weren’t here.”
“No, but she would have written. She used to talk to me…always. I was her confidante from the time we were two years old. If she had a problem she always brought it to me to solve.”
“I just had this impression. It worried me.”
“No, Dermot, everything was all right.”
A tortured look came onto his face and once more I blamed myself for bringing up the subject of the miniature.
“She was everything, Violetta,” he said. “You understand.”
“Yes, I do.”
“Life without her is empty.”
“Dermot, do you ever have a feeling that she is not dead?”
“What?”
“They haven’t found her body, have they?”
“They wouldn’t. She’s out there…lying at the bottom of the sea. I can’t bear to think of her. She was so full of life. That’s why I felt she wouldn’t stay here. She always wanted to have the best in life. She reveled in living. She was able to enjoy it so much…when she had what she wanted. I was worried about her. I thought she would leave me…and she did.”
“Not of her own free will,” I said.
We were doing no good to each other, Dermot and I.
I thought of something else to talk about. The political situation. That was not going to cheer him, though I imagined at that moment he felt as indifferent as I did about the troubles of Europe. I talked about the farm I had visited with Jowan the day before. He pretended to listen, but I knew his thoughts were in the past with Dorabella.
It was September. My mother wrote complaining that she had not seen me for so long. “It is like the old days when you were away at school, but this is even longer than a term. Your father and I are coming down to see you and we are going to try and persuade them to let you and Tristan come to us for Christmas.”
They arrived in mid-September. Matilda made them very welcome. It was wonderful to see them. I heard that Hildegarde was the perfect child and that my mother went to London often to see them and they came to Caddington.