Listening to her made it sound so simple, and the distance no longer seemed so great an obstacle. I asked her again to come for a visit.
“I will think about it, but what about your other girls?” she probed. “Won’t they be jealous?”
“There are no girls,” I said.
“Tell me you miss me then.”
“I miss you,” I assured her. “I want you here.”
“Are you completely certain?”
“Yes. Come over next weekend.”
“Before it was simple, now you must wait. You will not catch me again so easily.” She gave out the deep, breathy laugh of vitality that had won me before, and it won again. “But if you do, it will be because you are my man.”
When we hung up I realized my fear of giving in to what I wanted was not dread of not having it, or of gaining and losing and the resulting pain, only the anxiety of being exposed. As we ended the call I understood why people make such fools of themselves for love. I had no desire to be a fool, of course. But who was I not to be?
She arrived a few weeks later, and I took the train to meet her at the airport, where I found her as beautiful and high-spirited as I remembered, the magnetism between us an electrical storm of attraction. We went back to my apartment, where we made lunch, then spent the rest of the afternoon making love. In the evening we went to Film Forum to see a lost Kurosawa movie, and afterwards walked the sweltering summer streets to Washington Square Park, where we sat on the edge of the fountain to cool off and listen to a jazz quartet, before heading to dinner.
I loved the city in summer, when it metamorphosed from a northern capital to a more southerly pace, but Genevieve had no interest in it. “Let’s go home,” she said, looking up from her half-eaten salad. “If you don’t make love to me this second I will explode.”
We taxied back to my apartment, where the unbearable intensity of our thirst for each other was slackened and slackened, but could not be quenched.
“I told you I always know my man,” she said, as we lay awake late into the sultry night.
“How many times have you known it?”
“What kind of question is that? I share with you the most beautiful thing, and you ruin it with your petty little jealousy.”
I was not a jealous man, but the strength of our attraction made me greedy and insecure even for the past before I knew her.
She soon made it clear, though, that if I wanted to pursue the relationship it would have to be in Paris. After we left dinner with friends at a locavore place in Brooklyn the next day, she told me exactly what she thought of New York.
The restaurant did not take reservations, so our wait was interminable, and I could see she was not going to enjoy the meal, even before we sat down. I suggested we try another restaurant, every place on the block seemed like better or worse versions of the same menu, but it had a meaning to the friends we were with, so we waited.
When we were finally seated the wine was overpriced, and not very good. The food was perfectly fine, but the waiters, and our friends, made too much of it, so no pleasure we received could compete with their self-satisfaction. Genevieve grew antsy, mouthing the word pretentious to me when no one was looking.
“What is wrong with Americans?” she asked, as we walked back to the subway. “Everything is ‘I like. I do not like.’ But it is only opinion, not discernment. All they could talk about was money and food, as though they have never eaten before. But there are more people in pain than in restaurants, and they cannot speak about that, only put money in their stomachs. And then, did you see on the way to the subway, they put books in the street, which I have never seen except in war films, so that is the truth about them.”
“It was a fine dinner,” I said, trying to take the edge off, and wondering how much I was included in her criticism.
“No, I enjoyed it. Yes, very much.” She would not be appeased. “What is not to enjoy? It was like the ancien régime.”
“That bad?”
“Please do not make me go with them again. We do not have to, do we? No, of course not.”
I agreed, but as we exited the subway back to my apartment, she stopped in the middle of the street. “Amour, promise me we will never be with the Philistines.”
“Okay, but don’t be a snob.”
“Not a snob. The values I wish to live,” she turned intently. “To live, you must be like a simple person with no pretense, or else like a genius, who does not care about convention. Nothing in between. If that makes me a snob, I’m a snob. Not about the things that come from money, but how I live. Democracy is for how to act with other people. For ourselves, and whom we love, everything we do must have a meaning. Only Philistines confuse little pleasure and real joy.”
“You mean Americans, don’t you?” I asked defensively.
“Not because they are Americans, because they are materialists.”
“Well, there was land, then power, and now we care about all the simple pleasures we did not have before. Eventually we will get it right.”
“Just promise me we will not be with the Philistines.”
“They are just people fumbling through life, like all of us.”
“They are Philistines. I do not care. We will not be like that, but like civilized people, who know the difference between the stomach, the mind, and the heart. We will live the right way.”
“What does that mean to you?” I asked.
“Like a poet.”
I nodded as we came to my building, wondering whether I, or anyone, could live up to her way of seeing.
8
She was a fine, beautiful girl. Spirited, open. Full of love for me. I decided to spend the rest of the summer in Paris. She was there, and Davidson was there. And that was work and that was love and that was most of life.
Genevieve’s apartment was tiny, so I rented a hotel room near Canal St. Martin to use as an office, but stayed most of the time in her little flat on the hill in Montmartre. The walls were hung with her work and the rooms suffused with her energy, making the close quarters intimate and restful as a sanctum.
She worked at her studio in the morning, before going to the office where she did temp work. I spent afternoons in my room on the canal, or else worked in cafés, until we met again each evening. It was as she said it would be, I was a free man, and happy as I had not been in as long as I remembered. I felt cared for and I felt free.
“We are on a ship, my love,” she declared one morning, opening the windows as high as they would go, onto a narrow widow’s walk. “You see, the antennae of the buildings are masts, and we were sailing on a great journey in our red boat.” she swept her arms out to the imaginary sea. “Where shall we go?”
“I’ve never been to Tahiti,” I suggested.
“That is a great plan. We can see what inspired Gauguin, and if it inspires us still we can stay. I am a citizen, you know. But in order for you to stay, of course, you may have to marry me.”
“Maybe I can get a work visa.”
“That will be impossible. You are American, the great imperialist. The only way will be to get married.”
We were goofing around, but the sound of the words pleased me. I remembered her admonishment from before, though, refusing to be too light with what we had. “We should not joke about the things that have meaning for us,” I said, turning the words back at her.
“You are awful,” she yelled over the rooftops. “Here I thought you were so sweet, like a sad puppy I would pick up and take home, and — what is the word? — redeem. Yes. I would redeem you, and then you would be full of life again, and not anxious or afraid, and be my wonderful little pet.”