Your persistence with trying to figure me out, C8, is getting infuriating and will only get you into trouble. My thoughts have now taken a turn toward the malevolent side and my dreams of recent are distressing. You’re pushing me and I’m near my breaking point. My sanity is already questionable and I fear what might happen if you drive me too far to the edge. I don’t want to hurt you, either physically or emotionally, though it’s inevitable at this point for your heart and spirit to be broken once I’m done with you. Though I do admit to wanting to break you, it’s your willpower that I want to defeat, not your heart and sure as hell not your spirit.
Will my cruelty and distance obliterate your inner light like mine was snuffed out? I hope not…that’s never been my intention. Or has it? I can no longer tell the difference between what I want and what I need.
My brain is cluster fuck right now and
you, in no small way, have contributed to that.
Frustrated with himself for thinking about the one person he thought he had put behind him, he left the last sentence unfinished and furiously crossed a line through it. Turning to a section designated as his own chapter, he continued.
Will I age with grace? Am I going to leave my mark on this world? My life is ticking by and I’m beginning to feel as though nothing has been accomplished - all my time wasted on Chapters, people, who can’t see what I’m trying to do for them or don’t want the kind of help I’m offering. Am I really helping them? To admit that I’m doing anything else would force me to accept a reality I’m not ready to face. Not yet. Not until my work is done. When will that day come…? I wish someone could tell me.
He slammed his journal closed, threw it across the room and sunk low into the chair. He leaned forward and fisted his hair, his body and mind near the breaking point. He needed to get the Cambridge Killer. And, God, how he needed to break Elsa. He had to make her understand that there was no future with him and that the light that she was so convinced was in everyone had flickered out long ago, and there was no rekindling it.
***
The drive back to Elsa’s apartment was agonizing. She held her tears rigidly until she stepped foot into her home. Even then, she only allowed herself a brief moment of grief. She was tired of the tears. She hated them. She dropped her bag on the floor and stared at the dark, empty room. There was nothing and no one for her there. Not Victor. Not Mr. Black. She turned and walked out without a second thought. Mr. Black’s manuscript was whispering to her from across town, demanding to be read and dissected. The real Victor was in there somewhere, on those pages, waiting to be exposed.
She caught a bus to her office building and when she entered, security looked her over curiously. She made up some lame excuse as to why she was there on a Friday night when she should be out living her life; what little of one she had.
The late spring night was beautiful and the weather outside was almost perfect making her wish she was out enjoying it instead of obsessing over a man she knew was broken and completely wrong for her. She sighed miserably. Poor Victor, he was wrong for everyone, even himself. Opening a window, a cool, damp breeze blew in and whipped her hair around. Victor’s faint scent filled the room. She smelled of him.
Turning to the page she had left off with, she decided it best to not read anymore about Peyton, the masochist. Her heart and stomach couldn’t take it. Anyway, what was to be gleaned from reading all the gory details of that unspeakable encounter? Would she learn anything new about him? Maybe… but not the kind of things she wanted to really know and nothing good would be achieved by reading what Mr. Black was capable of putting another human being through.
It was Victor that she wanted to learn about. She would just have to save the rest of that chapter for another day; a day when she could see past the darkness he said he couldn’t deny; a day when she knew for sure that there was still light within him.
She flipped through the pages until she came to a new Chapter.
Chapter 4 – Jordan, age 40. Profession: Project Manager
Prologue: We were introduced at a city fundraiser by none other than the Mayor of our lovely city. It was hard to deny the attraction felt between the two of us. I can only guess it was just as much a surprise to you as it was to me. I felt your eyes on me the entire evening. It’s a strange thing when one realizes they are attracted to the same sex, most especially when it has never happened to this degree before.
Elsa’s eyes froze on the words same sex. She glanced at the name and profession again. Victor was bisexual? She never would have guessed. Never. She prided herself on her ability to pick up on that sort of thing and not once did she ever get the impression that he was bisexual. Maybe he’s not. Perhaps he’s gay and in denial? She huffed under her breath. Victor Laurenzo, aka Mr. Black, was not homosexual. The way he fucked and knew his way around a pussy… there was no way in hell he was gay.
If I weren’t so interested in finding out how your lean physique would feel under my control, I might have felt sorry for your gorgeous wife and children that you were wearing on your arm like a badge of heterosexuality and as some sort of confirmation of your thinly-veiled masculinity. I’m often times amazed at how easy it is for me to see through strangers’ façades when the ones they love can’t even see the real people hiding beneath their masks. It’s a God-given talent, I suppose, and it has served me well in my profession.
Elsa frowned. Not at the thought of Victor being attracted to man but because Jordan was married with children. It was natural for men to be attracted to each other on some primal level, no matter how much they may deny that little fact, just like it was inherent for women to be attracted to one another, at least in her opinion and experience. It was ironic that he was writing about people wearing masks when he was wearing one himself. He may be a brilliant man, but he really was a man in serious denial.
It was a big step for me to move forward with you, but your utter maleness was hard to resist. I wasn’t sure you would accept my offer and I might end up with not only a black eye, but a bruised ego, however, my initial perception about you was spot-on. I’m even convinced that if I hadn’t come forward and made the first move, you would’ve done it yourself. Being an ex-Marine, you’re known for going after what you want and getting the bad guy. I like that. It’s something we share in common. And I’m very bad, Mr. Faux-Machismo.
I’m more excited about exploring your character and personality than I have been about a Chapter in quite some time. My only hope is that you like to play hard and can take it deep. How far will you let me push you, C4? Your denial of your sexuality will be interesting to dissect and your body will be pleasurable distraction from the real world.
Is that what all these Chapters were to him? A distraction? Is that what she was? She supposed in his line of work, he might need someone to take his mind off of the horrific things he must see, but that’s what hobbies are for. Hobbies like golfing, hiking and mountain climbing; not playing with people’s hearts and mind fucking them. She prayed Jordan fared well in Mr. Black’s game, though on some level she hoped he got what was coming to him for cheating on his wife and family.
Her father had done the same thing and the memories of that time in her life were still as raw now as they were then. He chose another woman over her beautiful, but less than gracious, mother. Her father had made the conscious decision to abandon his family to satiate his own selfish wants. Elsa was only fourteen when it all happened and everything that occurred after that came down to her feelings of wanting to be seen and heard. Her way to deal with her parent’s nasty divorce was to be rebellious and to fight any and all authority every step of the way. Nick had his own way of coping: by over-achieving. That one selfish act on her father’s part changed them both completely and shook her mother’s world so badly, her mom was never the same person again either.