Katsa sat on the ground suddenly.
Could her Grace be survival?
The instant she asked it, she denied it. She was just a killer, had always been just a killer. She'd killed a cousin, in plain view of Randa's court – a man who wouldn't have hurt her, not really. She'd murdered him, without a thought, without hesitation – just as she'd very nearly murdered her uncle.
But she hadn't murdered her uncle. She'd found a way to avoid it and stay alive.
And she hadn't meant for that cousin to die. She'd been a child, her Grace unformed. She hadn't lashed out to kill him; she'd only lashed out to protect herself, to protect herself from his touch. She'd forgotten this, somewhere along the line, when the people of the court had begun to shy away from her and Randa had begun to use her skill for his own purposes, and call her his child killer.
Her Grace was not killing. Her Grace was survival.
She laughed then. For it was almost like saying her Grace was life; and of course, that was ridiculous.
She stood again and turned back to the fire. Po watched her approach. He didn't ask what she was thinking, he didn't intrude; he would wait until she wanted to tell him. She looked at him measuring her from across the flames. He was plainly curious.
"I've been comparing myself to other people," she said.
"I see," he said, cautiously.
She peeled back the skin of one of the roasting fish and sliced off a piece. She chewed on it and thought.
"Po."
He looked up at her.
"If you learned that my Grace wasn't killing," she said, "but survival..."
He raised his eyebrows.
"Would it surprise you?"
He pursed his lips. "No. It makes much more sense to me."
"But – it's like saying my Grace is life."
"Yes."
"It's absurd."
"Is it? I don't think so. And it's not just your own life," he said. "You've saved many lives with your Grace."
She shook her head. "Not as many as I've hurt."
"Possibly. But you have the rest of your life to tip the balance. You'll live long."
The rest of her life to tip the balance.
Katsa peeled the flesh of another fish away from its bones. She broke the flaky meat apart and ate it, and thought about that, smiling.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
The trees gave way suddenly, and the mountains came upon them all at once; and with the mountains, the town that would take their horses. The buildings were made of stone or of heavy Sunderan wood, but it was the town's backdrop that stopped Katsa's breath. She'd seen the hills of Estill, but she'd never seen mountains. She'd never seen silver trees that climbed straight up into the sky, and rock and snow that climbed even higher, to peaks impossibly high that shone gold in the sun.
"It reminds me of home," Po said.
"Lienid is like this?"
"Parts of Lienid. My father's city stands near mountains like these."
"Well," Katsa said. "It reminds me of nothing, for I've never seen anything like it. I almost can't believe I'm seeing it now."
There was no camping and no hunting for them that night. Their meal was cooked for them and served by the rough, friendly wife of the innkeeper, who seemed unconcerned with their eyes and wanted to know everything they'd seen on their journey, and everyone they'd passed. They ate in a room warm from the fire in a great stone fireplace. Hot stew, hot vegetables, hot bread, and the entire eating room to themselves. Chairs to sit on, and a table, and plates and spoons. Their baths afterwards warm; their bed warm, and softer than Katsa had remembered a bed could be. It was luxury, and they enjoyed it, for they knew it was the last such comfort they were likely to experience for some time.
They left before sunlight broke over the peaks, with provisions wrapped by the innkeeper's wife, and cold water from the inn's well. They carried most of their belongings, all that they had not left behind with the horses. One bow and one quiver, on Katsa's back, as she was the better shot. Neither of their swords, though both carried dagger and knife. Their bedrolls, little clothing, coins, the medicines, the maps, the list of Council contacts.
The sky they climbed toward turned purple, then orange and pink. The mountain path bore the signs of the crossings of others – fires gone cold, boot impressions in the dirt. In some places huts had been built for the use of travelers, empty of furniture but with crude, functional fireplaces. Built by the combined efforts of Sunder, Estill, and Monsea, in a time long ago when the kingdoms worked together for the safe passage of travelers across their borders.
"A roof and four walls can save you, in a blizzard in the mountains," Po said.
"Were you ever caught in the mountains during a blizzard?"
"I was once, with my brother Silvern. We were out climbing, and a storm surprised us. We found the hut of a woodsman – if we hadn't, we'd likely be dead. We were trapped for four days. For four days we ate nothing but the bread and apples we'd brought along, and the snow. Our mother almost gave us up for lost."
"Which brother is Silvern?"
"My father's fifth son."
"It's a shame you hadn't the animal sense then that you have now. You could've gone out and unearthed a mole, or a squirrel."
"And lost myself on the way back to the hut," he said. "Either that, or returned to a brother who'd think it was awfully suspicious that I'd managed to hunt in a blizzard."
They climbed over dirt and grass that gave way at times to rock, climbed always with the mountain peaks rising before them. It felt good to be out of the forest, to climb, to move fast. The vast, empty sky glinted its sun onto her face and filled her lungs with air. She was content.
"Why have you never trusted your brothers with your Grace?"
"My mother forbade me when I was a child, absolutely forbade me to tell them. I hated to keep it from them – particularly Silvern, and Skye, who's closest in age to me. But now I know my brothers as men, and I see my mother was right."
"Why? Aren't they to be trusted?"
"They are, with most things. But they're all made of ambition, Katsa, every one of them, constantly playing off each other to gain favor with my father. As things stand now, I'm no threat to them – because I'm the youngest and have no ambition. And they respect me, for they know it would take all six of them together to beat me in a fight. But if they knew the truth of my Grace they'd try to use me. They wouldn't be able to help themselves."
"But you wouldn't let them."
"No, but then they'd resent me, and I'm not sure one of them wouldn't give in to the temptation to tell his wife or his advisers. And my father would learn... It would all fall apart."
They stopped at a trickle of water. Katsa drank some and washed her face. "Your mother had foresight."
"Above all, she feared my father learning of it." He lowered his flask into the water. "He's not an unkind father. But it's hard to be king. Men will trick power away from a king, however they can. I would've been too useful to him. He couldn't have resisted using me – he simply couldn't. And that was the greatest thing my mother feared."
"Did he never want to use you as a fighter?"
"Certainly, and I've helped him. Not as you've helped Randa – my father isn't the bully Randa is. But it was my mind that my mother feared him using. She wanted my mind to be my own, and not his."
It didn't seem right to Katsa that a mother should have to protect her child from its father. But she didn't know much of mothers and fathers. She hadn't had a mother or a father to protect her from Randa's use. Perhaps rather than fathers, it was kings that were the danger.
"Your grandfather agreed that no one should know the truth of your Grace?"