And when Nikolai led her onto the dance floor, she felt her heart give a little flutter, but not for an instant did she allow herself to think of what he had said to her two weeks before. That chapter in their lives was already over. All they had between them now, or so she told herself, was camaraderie and friendship. But the look in his eyes as he swept her around the floor gracefully in a waltz told an entirely different story. He looked unbearably proud of her, and his gentle touch as he held her as close as he dared would have told her all he couldn't say, if she had let it. Even the Czar mentioned something to his wife when they were dancing.
“I'm afraid Nikolai is smitten with our young visitor from the ballet,” he said by way of observation, without criticism or comment.
“I don't think so, my dear.” The Czarina denied it. She had seen them together frequently, and saw nothing unseemly in their friendship, or behavior.
“It's a shame he's married to that dreadful Englishwoman,” he said, and the Czarina smiled in answer. She wasn't fond of her either.
“I think he's only concerned with Danina's health,” she said firmly, far more naive than her husband.
“She looks lovely in that dress she's wearing. Is it one of yours?” The Czarina was wearing a red velvet gown that was spectacular, with a full set of his mother's rubies, which became her remarkably. She was a beautiful woman, and he loved her dearly. They were both happy he was home again, and at least able to forget the war for a few brief moments.
“It's Olga's actually, but it looks so pretty on Danina, I told her to keep it.”
“She has a lovely figure.” He smiled down at his wife then, no longer interested in talking about their guest. “But so do you, my love. I think Mama's rubies look extremely well on you.”
“Thank you,” she said with a smile, and eventually they left the floor and circulated among their guests. It was a most successful party. And Nikolai and Danina danced half the night away. It was hard to believe she'd ever been ill, and she certainly didn't feel it as she danced with him. It was after midnight when he finally urged her to sit down for a while and rest, before she wore herself out completely. She was having such a good time, she didn't want to stop dancing for a minute.
He brought her a glass of champagne, and smiled as he handed it to her. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes bluer than ever, and her bosom tantalizing and creamy. He had to force himself to look away for a moment. But when he looked at her again, he found he couldn't resist her, and moments later, he was dancing with her again, and she looked happier and lovelier than ever.
“I feel like a dismal failure as the guardian of your health,” he confessed as they danced another waltz, looking as though they had danced together forever. The only time he had ever danced with his wife was at their wedding. “I should be forcing you to go home and rest, but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm afraid you're going to be exhausted to the point of feeling ill tomorrow.”
“It will have been worth it,” she said, laughing up at him with the sound that enchanted him unbearably. Just as she did, he wanted the night to go on forever.
It was after three when they finally left, and they were among the last to leave, after Danina had thanked the Czar and Czarina profusely. It had been an unforgettable evening, and they thanked her warmly for coming and, like Nikolai, voiced the hope that she hadn't done herself any damage by dancing so much and staying so long, when perhaps she should have been resting.
“I will stay in bed all day tomorrow,” she promised, and the Czarina urged her to do it. It would be a shame if she fell ill again because of the party.
But she was still in high spirits as they went back to her cottage. It was a lovely night, with a sky filled with stars, fresh snow on the ground, and all she could remember now was the endless dancing. Several people had asked her to dance, and she had danced with them willingly, but most of the evening she had spent in Nikolai's arms, and had to admit she preferred it. She was still chatting happily about all of it as they walked into her cottage, and he helped her take the ermine cape off. And just as he had all night, he couldn't help staring at her, and how beautiful she was in all her finery. More so than any other woman he'd seen all evening.
“Would you like something to drink?” she asked him easily, she was too excited to sleep, and she hated to have it end now. And he had much the same feeling, as he poured himself a glass of brandy, and they went to sit in front of the fire the maids had left for them, and to talk about the evening. She surprised him by sitting at his feet in the splendid gown, and leaning her head against him. She was thinking about the evening, and was smiling into the fire dreamily, as he gently stroked her hair, and felt the sheer pleasure of having her lean against him.
“I will never forget this night,” she said quietly, happy to just be there with him, not wanting anything more than she could have from him.
“Nor will I,” he said, touching her long graceful arm with his hand, and then resting it on her shoulder. She felt so delicate and looked so fragile, and as she turned to look up at him she was smiling. “I'm so happy when I'm with you, Danina,” he confessed, afraid to go too far again, and offend her. But it was so hard not to tell her how he felt about her.
“So am I, Nikolai. We have been very lucky to find each other,” she said, and meant it, not intending to tease him, but merely to celebrate their friendship. But she was making it more difficult for him than ever.
“You make me dream again,” he said sadly, holding his brandy, “of things I gave up years ago.” At thirty-nine, he felt as though he had a lifetime behind him. A lifetime of lost hopes, and shattered illusions and disappointment. And now, in her, he saw the dream again, and yet he couldn't have it with her. “I love being with you.” And then, feeling too far away from her, he slipped onto the floor next to her, and they sat side by side looking into the fire, at their dreams, as he put an arm around her. “I never want to hurt you, Danina,” he said gently. “I want you to always be happy.”
“I am happy here,” she said honestly, and she had been happy at the ballet. She had never really known unhappiness, only endless discipline and great devotion to what she'd been doing. Hers was a life of passion. And then she turned to look at him, and saw that there were tears in his eyes, as there had been earlier when he first saw her that night, but this time she saw them clearly, the first time she hadn't been as certain. “Are you sad, Nikolai?” She felt sorry for him. She knew his life wasn't easy for him. Although she chose not to acknowledge it, she knew how desperately unhappy he was at home, with a woman who didn't love him.
“A little bit perhaps … but mostly very happy to be here with you.”
“You deserve more than that,” she said quietly, realizing that he asked very little of her, and gave of his heart completely. She felt unfair to him suddenly. She had silenced him for her own purposes, so she would not be uncomfortable, but she had forced him to deny his feelings. “You deserve great happiness for all the kind things you do. You give so much to so many … and to me,” she added softly.
“It's easy to give to you. I only wish I had more to give you. Life is cruel sometimes, isn't it? You find precisely what you want … too late to have it.”
“Perhaps it isn't,” she said in a whisper, feeling drawn to him as she had never been to any man, except him, when he had kissed her. He didn't dare ask her what she meant, but only looked at her, and her eyes were beckoning him with an openness and love for him that was so evident, he could not mistake their invitation.
“I don't want to hurt you … or upset you. … I love you too much to do that,” he said, trying to hold back all that he felt for her, for her sake.