I was a little worried when Lira decided to try out her new-found powers of attraction on him, but fortunately Shar seems to think her overly young – and even at fourteen he’s used to girls chasing him, so he was quite adept at being clearly not interested without being insulting. I wondered if Ys would find all this a potential threat to her friendship with Lira, but I had the distinct impression Lira was discussing it all with her before making each attempt – Ys certainly watched with a kind of amused curiosity.
The two of them also cornered me alone one day, and we had the most amazingly funny conversation, full of blushes in every direction. Lira wanted to know about my early love life and whether I’d ever been with anyone but Kaoren. It’s not the sort of thing either of them would have considered asking me a year ago, and certainly not a conversation I’d ever want to have with my Mum. Ys was using Lira to get answers to questions she won’t ask herself, but Lira was also frankly curious about something she’s become interested in.
Lira interested in sex is an idea which horrifies me, of course, and I had to work to not to go into a meltdown of denial about them being too young to have this discussion, but I think they were both really just curious, and far from ready to put anything into practice.
I was fairly honest with my answers, though I did set some boundaries about the kind of questions it was appropriate to ask. I tried to capture something of Mara’s practicalness when talking about the fact that people were sure to try to go to bed with them just because they were famous, and certain difficulties they’re going to have doing normal social stuff because of their fame. Lira (an Ys question, I think) wanted to know if I regretted having sex with someone before Kaoren, but I don’t really. It was what I wanted to do at the time, and even though it turned out that neither of us really felt strongly about the other, it wasn’t a negative experience, and I felt a lot less pressured during my last year at school because sex became a bit less of a focus for me. It wasn’t some massive mystery of ultimate importance any more.
Then I gave them both a very clear understanding of when and what they’re legally allowed to do, what I’d prefer them to do, and things they should do if anyone does something they don’t want. And also techniques for turning down people, especially ones who seem genuinely to care. I gave Lira a particular look at that one and said: "You know very well you’re very beautiful. You’re going to hurt people just by looking like that, no matter how you behave. But it helps if you try and minimise harm."
Since then, Ys occasionally teases Lira about wearing a warning sign, which is a private joke she has just with us three. It amazes me, and makes me very happy, that both of them have reached that level of comfort, with each other and with me.
It was a lovely break, surrounded by people who are special to me, seeing new places, plants and animals, catching and roasting fish on an open fire. Kaoren was feeling super-possessive and we spent a hell of a lot of time kissing. Everyone got a little sunburnt, and it was so very much one big family, with even Shar and Siame looking settled in and enjoying themselves. I’m already looking forward to next year, and I’ve only been back one day.
Trying not to hope too hard for it to be a full family holiday, and that Operation Move-to-Muina will be a resounding success.
18 - May
May 13
Time off
Now that I’m not working (no scheduled projections till after the baby’s born), I’ve been able to get some solid work in on my school work. And, well, have been replaying my wedding (and pre-wedding honeymoon night) rather a lot. The posed scans turned out very well, and there are some special images from the ceremony itself which I adore. Tons of press leaks, of course, but I’ve come to factor that in to any event which has more than the people closest to me there.
One of the reasons I avoid public events so much is that everything any of us do is picked apart and analysed and adopted into popular culture. Veils are suddenly in for weddings (I’m so not going to tell anyone what Mum once told me they symbolise), and there’s all sorts of fan art based on the leaked scenes, and endless forum discussion about every minor leaked or made up detail. Plus there was a documentary about me which premiered the evening of the wedding which was really accurate and detailed and had an awful lot about the kids and what they’re like in it. Albeit, the kids have fan clubs and it’s rare bad things are said about them, but I know that can change, and that I’m the cause of this pressure of attention.
I had to laugh, though, when the next episode of Muina Ez was all about the characters speculating over where we’d all gone after the wedding. The rumour was that we were holidaying on Kolar, and there were tons of false sightings. And then the real story of what we were doing leaked out, and there was lots of scandal about Lira and me being allowed to go anywhere even mildly risky. Fortunately that was on our last day, and we were home before they reached the point of ordering us to return. The rumour mill immediately switched over to whether I’m pregnant, and though we haven’t confirmed that, taking a year of leave from doing any form of visualisation kind of gives away our plans. Endless discussion over whether I’ll obligingly pop out more touchstones, or stronger or weaker talents than Kaoren. And discussion on how me having real children will effect my adopted children, which of course annoys the hell out of me.
I’ve been bonding with Lira rather a lot since we got back. Occasionally beneath her prima donna acts I still glimpse a lingering band of hurt and uncertainty. Ys, Rye and Sen are so strongly a unit, and although Lira’s become family, she knows herself to be an outsider to the couple that Kaoren and I am, and the deep bond between Ys, Rye and Sen. It must feel as if everyone loves someone more than they love her. I fully sympathise with her need to be loved for herself, not for being a touchstone, nor even for being the very brave girl who saved my life.
She’s continued to question me about what I was like when I was her age, and has talked a little about the things she does and doesn’t want to do, and the fun parts, the problems and the ethics of being a touchstone. Lira and I aren’t very alike – she enjoys reading novels about as much as she enjoys anything else, but is far more interested in more social activities. Since the kids started attending the talent school again, she’s accrued a little coterie of followers, and likes to talk about them with me (partially I think because Ys is impatient with too much of this kind of talk). Fortunately she and Ys seem to have found a happy balance to their friendship, and Ys acts in the role of confidant, while everyone else gets to be Lira’s admirers.
Ys on the other hand would barely speak if she could help it. Even in the mandated school and family group activities, I’ve noticed that she has that faint air of abstraction, and her usage logs show that she’s reading. This isn’t something I’ll criticise specifically, since I certainly read a book or two sneakily under the desk in particularly boring classes, and she seems quite good at dual-tasking. Importantly, she’s not withdrawn or stressed by social situations – she’s just so engrossed in reading that she doesn’t want to waste time with people. I’ve told her the occasions where she has to give her full attention, but otherwise more power to her. She has, I think, finally gained a strong enough sense of security to truly relax, and simply being able to learn and learn and learn makes her deeply happy.