A VeeDub Glossary
(in not quite alphabetical order)
Beetle: the most common name in English for the Type 1 Volkswagen saloon and convertible, made between 1948 and 2003.
Also sometimes called the Bug, a more common usage in the US than in Britain. I’ve met people who insist there’s a taxonomic distinction to be made between a Beetle and a Bug, but their attempts at explaining the difference have left me none the wiser.
Incidentally, ‘Beetle’ was a nickname invented and embraced by the general public and actually taken on as a model name by Volkswagen in 1967. Is there any other example of a motor manufacturer responding in this way?
Many countries in the world have also chosen similar nicknames beginning with B: in Croatia the Buba; in Denmark the Bobble; in the Czech Republic the Brouk: in Romania the Brosco.
Others have taken different linguistic routes. Pakistan has gone for the Martiny; in the Philippines it’s the Kotseng Kuba, literally the hunchback car; in Israel it’s apparently known as the Hiposhit, which I thought was just a silly joke, and it probably is, but even so it seems to be quite a widespread one. And my favourite, if some sources are to be believed, and I’m not absolutely sure they are, comes from Finland where apparently the Beetle is known as Hitlerin Kosta; Hitler’s Revenge.
“So what do you call that thing?”
“A Boby.”
“You’re from Paraguay, right?”
Baja: literally ‘lower’ in Spanish, referring here to a type of Beetle modified for use in Baja California, a long peninsula of land in far-western Mexico, directly below the American state of California. The territory is mostly rugged desert, and the scene of gruelling off-road races such as the Baja 500 and 1000. Baja Beetles are raised up, given heavy-duty suspension, big wheels and tyres. The wings and front and rear aprons are reduced or sawn off to accommodate the changes, and the rear deck lid is removed to leave the engine exposed.
Cal-Look: Abbreviation of ‘California Look’, a style of Beetle-customising originating in Southern California and spreading worldwide. Some sources date it back to the 1950s, and it continues to this day, but the 1980s seem to have been its heyday.
Typically a Cal-Look Beetle has been lowered, dechromed, had its bumpers removed, occasionally chopped, channelled and frenched, often with nonstandard replacement wheels, preferably from a Porsche. The aim is to create a sleeker, more streamlined object. Paintwork tends to be ultra smooth and glossy, in primary colours, sometimes two-tone.
Resto-Cal is a less radical version of the look, retaining the integrity of the original car, and sometimes going overboard on period accessories.
(The terms lowered, chopped, channelled and trenched can be found in any basic book on car-customising.)
“Man, that shocking pink Beetle of yours would really look the business in Malibu, but don’t you think it might be a bit Cal-Look for Doncaster?”
Dune Buggy: a kind of recreational, Beetle-based kit car. The original body is removed and replaced with a lightweight, open, fibreglass shell. Usually more at home on the beach than in the serious sand-dunes, though Charles Manson was a big fan.
“So, Chas, do you really think we can fight the Apocalypse in a bunch of clapped-out dune buggies?”
“Helter skelter, bitch.”
KdF-Wagen: Kraft durch Freude Wagen, in German literally the ‘Strength-through-Joy Car’, the original form of the Beetle in Nazi Germany.
“Hey, Fritz, can you really afford to pay in full, in advance, for a KdF-Wagen that you still don’t have a delivery date for?”
“It’s a struggle, I admit.”
Kubelwagen: literally German for ‘Bucket Car’, also sometimes Kubel, Kubelsitz, Kubelsitzer, the name of the military ‘jeep’ style conversion based on the prewar KdF-Wagen and used in World War II. The bodywork was made by a coachbuilder called, I just love this, Trutz of Gotha.
Nerf Bar: ‘nerf’ is US slang for low-impact crash, equivalent to the English ‘prang’, so a nerf bar was originally a piece of tubular metal, found on old-style racing cars in the States, there as protection during side-on collisions. Today they’re found on all sorts of sports vehicles, and on off-road Beetles they sometimes replace the front and rear bumpers.
“Me, I don’t worry about a little nerf now that I’ve got my nerf bars.”
Rat Rod: form of customised hot rod, not necessarily a Beetle, that has the look of an unrestored or unfinished car. Bodywork tends to be battered, or rusted, or in some cases partially absent.
Fans claim it’s a triumph of function over form, but in fact the rat rod has an aesthetic that’s as clearly defined as any other design form.
“Hey, man, that rod looks really rad. Or do I mean rat?”
“Whatever.”
Sandraiclass="underline" a more serious dune buggy or off-road vehicle, often with no body whatsoever but just a tubular roll cage, and a deeply forgiving suspension that allows it to go airborne as it goes over sand-dunes and lands spectacularly on the other side.
Street Sleeper: a car that on the surface looks ordinary, or less than ordinary, but beneath the humble exterior has mechanics that deliver awesome performance.
“Hey, mate, why’d you drive a street sleeper’?”
“Allegory, innit?”
Schwimmwagen: the Type 166, the amphibious form of the Kubelwagen, able to operate in and on water, with a modified crankshaft that can be disengaged from the rear wheels and connected to a propeller.
Tranny: slang for transmission, aka gear box.
♦
Zwitterkafer: literally in German ‘Hermaphrodite beetle’, though with the sense of having two uses or being constructed from two different things. The term describes Beetles built in late 1952 and early 1953, with parts from the old Split-Window Beetle, alongside those from the newer Oval. Might also refer to a Beetle driven by an English novelist dressed in women’s clothing.
“What’s with the tranny in that Zwitterkafer’?”
Also by Ian Blackwater
The Phallicist
Bob Pettit is an average man: average height, average weight, with an average income, average job and a perfectly averagely sized penis. However, like all men, he certainly wishes he had a little extra in the phallus department.
And then one day his wish starts to come true. His penis begins to get larger, pleasingly at first, then exponentially, then monstrously. He ceases to be a man with a penis and becomes a penis with a man attached.
A savage satire on male desire, potency and inadequacy, and a timely warning about getting too much of what we want. Based on a true story.
Letters to Thurston