Sense of Wonder
[After school, 4:30 P.M.]
Nicholas: How 'bout the collision of two Dyson spheres?
Brendan: Bor-ring.
N: Two sentient Dyson spheres.
B: How can a Dyson sphere be sentient? It's just, like, a shell with a sun inside.
N: Both spheres are made of nanotech. You know? Little microscopic robots and they're all linked into big hive-minds.
B: So the spheres are big computers?
N: Hive-minds. Because each nanite is sentient on its own. Each one is way smarter than humans to begin with.
B: If they're so smart, why are the spheres colliding? They should just change course.
N: Because…because one sphere is made of matter and the other's antimatter! A big antimatter Dyson sphere, the size of a whole solar system, right? And it's getting pulled toward the normal-matter one because opposites attract.
B: You mean like you and Ashley McGregor?
N: I am not attracted to…the only reason I even talk to her is just she lives two houses down from me.
B: Suppose the Dyson spheres are getting together to make out.
N: What?
B: You're the one who said they're sentient. And they're, like, you know, billion-year-old virgins.
N: Yeah, right. Virgins!
B: Stupid old virgins.
N: Wait a second. If they're both spheres and they want to get it on, doesn't that make them gay?
B: One is matter and the other's antimatter.
N: Doesn't make a difference. They're both spheres!
B: Oh. Yeah. I see your point.
N: Now if one was a ringworld…
B: Right. Then, like, the sphere could go right through the ringworld. You know, kind of back and forth…
N: In and out.
B: Yeah. Except doesn't a ringworld have a sun?
N: Oh, right. Ringworlds have a sun in the middle.
B: So when the Dyson sphere tries to, you know, slide through the ring, it gets kind of scorched.
N: What can I say? Love hurts.
B: Is that what Ashley tells you?
N: Look, I just walk home with her sometimes, okay? We live so close together—
B: Suppose it's a ghost ringworld.
N: A what?
B: Like, it doesn't have a sun. It's all dark and cold and creepy.
N: And the Dyson sphere is just going through space, minding its own business, when it sees this thing floating out there.
B: So the sphere kind of drifts up slowly, and as it's sliding inside, it goes, "Hello? Hello? Anybody here?"
N: Oh, sure, like it can talk in vacuum!
B: It sends radio signals.
N: How 'bout it creates holographic words across its surface?
B: Or maybe Dyson spheres talk with pheromones.
N: That's cool.
B: Its atmosphere is filled with this kind of perfume called, "Hello? Hello? Anybody here?"
N: Which is basically what they should call all perfumes. "Hello? Hello? Is anyone paying attention to me?"
B: Like Janice Wozniak.
N: Yeah, right, Janice Wozniak. Swimming in Chanel or something.
B: Does Ashley wear perfume?
N: She wants to but her mom won't let her. Perfume, makeup, all that stuff.
B: You talk to Ashley about makeup?
N: Oh, fuck off! Fuck right off! I thought we were talking about Dyson spheres.
B: A Dyson sphere sliding into a ghost ringworld.
N: And, like, it gets partway inside when the ring closes up like a bear trap! Boom. And the Dyson sphere is snared!
B: Very psychological.
N: It's not psychological! It's…okay, the ring doesn't close like a bear trap.
B: It just sits there, dark and cold.
N: And the sphere passes through and keeps on going.
B: Pheromones and all.
N: Off into the blackness.
[Pause.]
B: It's still psychological.
N: I know it's psychological! But what do you want? You want the sphere to turn around and come limping back? No way! The ringworld is the one who's being all cold and dark. It's not the sphere's fault if it's just, like, a friend, and the ringworld is really interested in some jerk of a nebula!
B: Ashley likes Justin?
N: As if she talks about anyone else.
B: Maybe she's trying to make you jealous.
N: She could wish. Just wait till you and I are rich, famous writers. We'll be making millions on the bestseller list…
B: And she'll be with Justin. Kind of its own punishment.
N: So the Dyson sphere couldn't care less about the ringworld. It doesn't want to get anywhere near the ringworld.
B: The sphere just sits back and laughs while the ringworld gets sucked into a huge black hole.
N: Nah. Black holes are way too psychological.
B: You're right. How 'bout the sphere goes in and out through the ringworld but it doesn't mean anything?
N: Oh sure, like that isn't creepy. The ringworld isn't seriously bad. It's just…looking for sun in all the wrong places.
B: So it might smarten up someday?
N: How should I know? I can't even tell what would be a happy ending, okay? Because on the one hand, it's so stupid to care, when it means getting all involved in…ringworld stuff. Who wants that? But on the other hand…
B: Ringworlds are really really pretty.
N: Yeah.
[Pause.]
B: How 'bout this: what's really going on is there are these two gods, right? And all this stuff with the ringworld and the Dyson sphere, it turns out what's really happening is the gods are just playing basketball.
N: Ooo. Nice twist.
B: Cosmic hoops.
N: Perfect solution.
B: My driveway or yours?
[Pause.]
N: Mine. Ashley might walk by.
Copyright Notices
"Muffin Explains Teleology to the World at Large" was first published in On Spec, April 1990; copyright © 1990 by James Alan Gardner.
"The Children of the Crèche" was first published in L. Row Hubbard Presents Writers of the Future, Vol. VI, 1990; copyright © 1990 by James Alan Gardner.
"Kent State Descending the Gravity Welclass="underline" An Analysis of the Observer" was first published in Amazing Stories, Vol. 67, #7, No. 575, October 1992; copyright © 1992 by James Alan Gardner.
"The Last Day of the War, with Parrots" was first published in Amazing Stories, Vol. 69, #3, No. 592, Winter 1995; copyright © 1995 by James Alan Gardner.
"Reaper" was first published in The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction, Vol. 80, #2, No. 477, February 1991; copyright © 1991 by James Alan Gardner.
"Lesser Figures of the Greater Trumps" was first published in The New Quarterly, Vol. XI, No. 4, Winter 1992; copyright © 1992 by James Alan Gardner.
"Shadow Album" was first published in Amazing Stories, Vol. 66, #3, No. 560, July 1991; copyright © 1991 by James Alan Gardner.
"Hardware Scenario G-49" was first published in Amazing Stories, Vol. 66, #8, No. 565, December 1991; copyright © 1991 by James Alan Gardner.
"The Reckoning of Gifts" was first published in Tesseracts 4, November 1992; copyright © 1992 by James Alan Gardner.
"The Young Person's Guide to the Organism" was first published in Amazing Stories, Vol. 67, #1, No. 569, April 1992; copyright © 1992 by James Alan Gardner.
"Three Hearings on the Existence of Snakes in the Human Bloodstream" was first published in Asimov's Science Fiction, Vol. 21, #2, No. 254, February 1997; copyright © 1998 by James Alan Gardner.
"Sense of Wonder" was first published in Amazing Stories, Vol. 70, #1, No. 593, Summer 1998; copyright © 1999 by James Alan Gardner.