Exactly. Aye. They think doctors’re like the fucking polis, you’ve got to be 6 feet tall to get in!
I laughed with him. I says, Aye but it’s probably a class thing.
Probably, aye. He frowned and glanced back at the electric kettle. Then he sniffed. What d’you work at yourself?
I’m on the broo the now.
Aw are you!
Nearly eighteen month.
What! Jesus Christ! And he stared at me, a frown beginning to appear on his face.
What’s up? I says.
Pardon?
Naw I mean how come you’re so surprised? Is it because I’ve read cunts like Kafka and John William Draper?
Naw naw, not at all, not at all.
I didnt believe him.
Naw, he says again, not at all, not at all, it’s no that. It’s your suit.
My suit! You kidding?
Naw, I mean, the cloth.
Ah well, aye, but I mean it’s an auld yin man Christ I mean. . There’s a lot of cunts walking about with better yins than this and they’re on the broo as well.
So?
So! What d’you mean fucking so?
He stared at me.
Your fucking inference, I says after a few moments, it shows you’re no really in touch with what’s going on.
He nodded and felt the kettle.
Look, I says, if you want to know what I really think. . I think you’re an elitist wee bastard — your attitudes.
My attitudes!
Aye your attitudes. Especially considering you were a mature student and the rest of it.
Hh! He shook his head at me, grinning sarcastically. Well, he says, that’s a fucking good yin right enough. I mean dont tell me this is linked to that hoary auld fucking misconception that the vast majority of mature students are all good fucking socialists.
What?
A load of shite that — Christ, you want to have seen the cunts I met up there! He made a face at me then laughed briefly: Tell me this, he says, how come you called me sir when you walked in that door? Was it because I’m a doctor?
Naw it wasnt because you were a doctor.
Are you sure?
Naw I’m no fucking sure.
Ah.
Well how can I be I mean Christ — anyway, I was trying to figure that yin out myself, earlier on. And I dont know, I dont honestly know. I was figuring it was because you’re a doctor but that cant be right cause I’ve met stacks of yous in my time, stacks of yous. I mean I never call any cunt sir!
Mm. . The kettle began to boil at long last but he just switched it off and came back round to sit down on his chair, he was frowning at something and he looked at me, then smiled: Okay, he says, these folk ben the waiting room there, I dont see you rushing to let them in.
Pardon?
I said I dont see you rushing to let them in.
Aw well that’s no fair, that’s just no fair. Fuck sake I mean you’ve no even seen me yet!
Mmm. . He nodded. Sore back you said?
Aye, sore back. And it’s fucking genuine and all so it is.
I didnt say it wasnt.
Naw, I know, but look it really is sore I mean. .
Okay, he says, sorry. I apologize — for the wee dig and that.
Ah well. I shrugged. Aye and fair enough, I says, I’m sitting here chatting to you when there’s a lot of folk waiting to be seen and eh. . There again but, maybe that’s cause you’re a doctor after all, relating it for instance to the way I said sir.
Expectations — aye, you’re right, what a doctor should and should not be. That was one of the things in ‘The Country Doctor’ I thought Kafka got terrific.
Pardon?
Ah, sorry, sorry, you’ll no really know.
I nodded. Then I says, But what I was meaning there was you, being the doctor, holding the position of power, you’ve got to dismiss me, else I’ll wind up being here for the rest of my days!
He laughed and stood up and came round to me. Just open your jacket, he says, and pull your shirt out your trousers, and your vest if you’ve got one on.
I did as he said and I also leaned forwards a little so’s he could see properly. He used a stethoscope, and then began tapping about with something that felt like a steel mallet; and it was quite bloody sore when he kept it tapping on the same spot. Then he says, Have you got a lumpy mattress?
Even though I couldnt see his face I knew he must have been smiling, that he had been cracking a wee joke. And he says: Naw, I dont want to disappoint you!
I didnt say anything back for a minute. There was no point losing my temper. I heard him sniff and he began putting the stethoscope higher up my spine. Breathe in, he says.
I did as he told me a couple of times and when he’d finished I says: Look, believe it or not, it is genuine; I did come in here to find out if there was anything up with my back.
Aw I know, I know, it’s just. . He came round from behind me and put the stethoscope on the side of the desk. In my experience there’s a lot of folk love to get told bad news about their health, it means they can lie down and die in peace, without being bothered by any cunt.
Pardon?
He only smiled in answer.
Naw, what d’you say there?
He shook his head but was still smiling. It was a really smug kind of smile and I didnt like it one little bit. I’ll tell you something, I says, you’re a smug wee bastard. I dont like the way you think you understand all.
Ah I know. He nodded. It is a bad habit I’ve picked up. He yawned and stuck his hands into his trouser pockets and he strolled to the window, swaggering slightly; and he gazed out for some time. Then he glanced round at me and squinted at his wristwatch. It’s a digital, he says, you cant always see what time it is. Fucking useless as far as I’m concerned.
He continued looking at me; till it dawned on me what he was after. O pardon me, I says, you’ve finished.
Aye. . He yawned again and turned back to the window.
I was actually out the door before I realized the fucking situation, crossing the floor to the exit, tucking in my vest and shirt. Hey wait a minute, I says to myself, you’re no letting the cunt away with that are you? Back I went — and I was feeling as fucking annoyed as ever I did in a long time. He was standing there just inside his doorway, ushering in the next patient. Hey you, I says, wait a wee minute, I’ve got something to say.
You’ve missed your turn, he whispers.
I have not missed my turn.
Aye you have.
Naw I’ve no. You dismissed me before I was ready, playing your wee class games.
I was not playing any wee class games.
Aye you were.
I was not. He frowned at me and then he glared to the side of where I was standing, as though he had spotted folk trying to peer in from the waiting-room.
And the other person who was to go in to see him said: Eh doctor, excuse me. .
The doctor shook his head. Sorry, he says, sorry, you’ll just need to. . And he grabbed me by the wrist and took me inside, shutting the door.
I removed his hand.
He was already halfway round to his seat. Okay, he was saying, I’ve got no time for this sort of carry on. Just state your problem.
There isn’t any problem. There’s just facts, facts — statements of fact.
He nodded. He placed his elbow on the edge of his desk and dropped his chin to rest on the palm of his hand.
Okay, I says, it’s all hell of a fucking boring, I know, I know. But what I really object to is the way you’ve made your assumptions about me, about what I am and what I believe man that’s what I fucking object to, all these assumptions. But leave that aside; it’s the way you’ve acted, no like a doctor at all. Christ sake I mean I shouldnt’ve had to sit here listening to all that crap when these poor cunts ben the waiting-room are getting ignored, and for all you know are literally dying — literally, dying!