“You won’t be able to rouse her. She’s in a profound state of trance, something practitioners call ‘mage sleep’. I doubt she’ll stir for at least another day,” he explained.
“You look done in, yourself,” Magnes said. “Maybe you should try some of that ‘mage sleep’”
“I don’t know the technique. I’m not trained.” Ashinji rubbed eyes stinging with fatigue. “I’ll be all right in the morning, I think.”
They ate their meal in companionable silence, washing it down with swigs of tepid water. When they had finished, Ashinji set aside a portion of the chicken for Gran, then banked the fire while Magnes saw to the horses. The animals whickered and stomped restlessly as Magnes did what little he could to groom them. “They’re hungry,” he commented. “We’ll have to let them graze a bit tomorrow.”
“I hope you’re right about folk not wanting to approach the barrow,” Ashinji replied. “I’d hate to have to fight off horse thieves.”
Magnes grunted and shook his head. “I’m sure the locals are convinced this place is haunted. They won’t risk getting themselves snatched and drained of their life force by some hungry ghost.” He chuckled, then added, “Or by a soul-stealing elf!”
Ashinji tossed a blanket onto the packed earth and lay down with a grimace. “Ai, Goddess, but this ground’s hard,” he sighed. Magnes, finished with tending the horses, threw his own blanket down beside Ashinji and settled on his back. The two young men lay for a while in silence, staring at the shadow-cloaked ceiling of the barrow.
“I saw what you did to those men, Ashi,” Magnes said, breaking the quiet. “I had no idea your magic was so strong.” In the dark, his voice sounded a little awed.
“I didn’t know, either. I mean, Gran has told me my Talent is very powerful, but it’s been blocked since childhood, for reasons that don’t seem very compelling right now.”
A wave of guilt washed over him, so powerful and bitter it tore a sob from his throat.
“What kind of a monster am I, Magnes?” He looked at his friend and sensing the other’s confusion, added, “I murdered two men. ”
“What are you talking about, Ashi? You didn’t murder…”
“Yes, I did!” Ashinji cut him off, nearly choking on the pain. “The…the one man, he, he…Ai, Goddess! He begged me for his life! I could have let him live, but…but I, I…”
“Ashi, please don’t do this to yourself,” Magnes pulled him into an embrace.
Ashinji covered his face with his hands and gave in to his tears, so lost in self-loathing he could not accept or acknowledge the comfort his friend offered.
How can I ever face Jelena again? How can I even think of touching her, making love to her, with the blood of a murdered man on my hands? When she finds out what I’ve done, she’ll hate me. Goddess, I couldn’t live with that!
“Ashi, Ashi…please…” Magnes murmured, stroking his hair. “You did nothing wrong. Those men attacked us. We were defending ourselves. You are not a murderer. Gods, I can’t stand this!”
Magnes pried Ashinji’s hands from his face and kissed him.
Ashinji gasped and recoiled in shock.
Magnes jerked back, nearly falling into the fire. “I…I’m so sorry, Ashi!” he stammered. “I only wanted to, to make you feel better…I didn’t mean…” He fell silent and looked away.
Ashinji let out a ragged sigh. The storm had passed, leaving behind a quieter, but no less intense guilt in its wake.
“Magnes.”
Magnes flinched, as if stung by the sound of his name.
“Look at me…please.”
The two young men stared at each other for several heartbeats. In the semi-darkness, Magnes’ eyes gleamed with such raw need, Ashinji thought he might weep anew.
“Ashi…” Magnes whispered, breathing hard now as if locked in a fierce struggle with something he dare not allow to win.
Trembling, Ashinji hugged his knees to his chest, afraid of this perilous new landscape he must now traverse. He chose his next words with care.
“Magnes, you are, and will always be, my friend,” he murmured, “But…”
“No, Ashi. You don’t have to say anything. I know, believe me. I know all too well.” Magnes squeezed his eyes shut, and a single tear leaked out, sparking in the fire’s glow. “You are Jelena’s husband, and I know how much you love her. I’m human, you’re an elf. We’re both men. I know all this!” He groaned and covered his face with shaking hands. “But, it still hurts to be so near you and not be able to…to…” His voice stuttered into silence.
Ashinji swallowed hard and raked his hands through his hair, unsure of what to say to ease his friend’s pain.
“This makes no sense to me at all.” Magnes dropped his hands and continued in a hoarse whisper. “I’ve never been attracted to other men before, never, until the day I met you . I felt something for you from the very first moment. I locked those feelings away, buried them deep, especially when I saw how you looked at Jelena. I don’t know why they’ve chosen to resurface now.”
“We’ve been through a lot together,” Ashinji replied in a gentle voice. “I owe my life to you, Magnes. If not for your healing skills, I would have died a slave. That kind of thing forges an unbreakable bond between people. It creates a kind of love.”
“Love is a very strange thing,” Magnes replied. “I loved a girl once, back home in Amsara. I still love her, but she’s married to another man, and even if she weren’t, it would be impossible for us to be together. Yet, I still hold on to the fantasy that I could actually have a life with her.” He stared at the barrow ceiling as he spoke, as if doing so made it easier to confess all of the secret agony in his heart.
“I don’t want to feel this way about you, Ashi. It’s too confusing and painful! I’ve got to push this out of my heart somehow, yet find a way to hold on to that other kind of love we can share.”
He looked into Ashinji’s eyes.
“I love you, Ashi,” he declared. “There, I’ve said it once and I promise I’ll never say it to you again. Now you must promise me you’ll say nothing to Jelena about any of this. I couldn’t bear the thought of her knowing how close I came to betraying her trust.”
“What you’ve said to me will always be just between us, I swear,” Ashinji replied. His heart ached at the profound sadness in Magnes’ eyes, but he knew he could never give his friend what he so desperately wanted.
For a while longer, the two young men regarded each other in silence, then Magnes said, “You have to find a way to forgive yourself for what you had to do, Ashi.”
“I don’t know if that’s possible.” Ashinji picked up a stick and stirred the dying fire.
“Yes, it is.” Magnes extended his hand as if to touch Ashinji’s arm, then let it fall to his lap.
“Then you must take your own advice, my friend,” Ashinji said.
“What do you mean?”
“Your father’s death was an accident. You need self-forgiveness as much as I do, Magnes.”
After a few heartbeats, Magnes nodded. “I have to go home, put things right with Thessalina and face what I did,” he said. “I just pray it’s not too late.”
“Trust your sister to see the truth,” Ashinji replied.
“Jelena once told me she thought you were the most beautiful thing on this earth, Ashi,” Magnes murmured. “She was right.”
“No, my friend,” Ashinji replied, his voice catching as more tears threatened. “I am so far from that. My wife is the most beautiful thing on this earth, not me.”
Magnes sighed and shook his head. He lay down and turned away from Ashinji, as if he could no longer bear to look upon what he so fervently desired but could never have.