I sighed. I was just going in circles and getting suspicious about Domino wouldn’t get me a good case. I stubbed out my cigarette and stood to leave. Suddenly my attention was drawn to my own message tube. I saw nothing special about it and wondered why I was standing there, staring at it. Then my subconscious grabbed me by the collar and dragged me down to the tube switcher room. ‘Well, well,’ I thought, ‘another red tube.’ Interesting, if baffling. Domino may be the highest flier in the company right now, but why did his message tube need to be distinctive? The only likely answer was that it was meant to ensure that nothing intended for Domino could accidentally be dropped into the wrong tube. Could Domino be subverting the system? Was Copal in on it? If that were true, it would explain my endless slump.
Well, two could play that game, but it turned out not to be that simple. Brennis, the demon in charge of the tube switcher, wasn’t any help. He was kind of bitter about his existence. Created to run the elevators, the company put him out of that job by installing motion detectors. Brennis would thwart you when you had legitimate reasons for something just to spite the company, never mind my reasons for wanting his help. But I found that resentment could work in my favor.
There had been no tube system when I first went to work for the DOD. Work orders had been routed through the mail room. The demons who worked there weren’t happy about the tubes any more than Brennis was about the elevators. The tube switcher wasn’t totally reliable, of course. Machines break down even in the Land of the Dead. When the switcher goes down, the mail room demons carry work orders until it’s fixed. So I made a deal with the little purple guys: I’d sabotage the switcher big time and they would let me have a first look at the work orders meant for Domino while the machine was being repaired.
Meanwhile, Glottis was busy working on my car. I remembered that I’d absently told him to make it faster. I didn’t want to use Endive for this scheme since he was such a stickler for rules, so I told Glottis he needed to make my car as fast as he could and be ready to drive me to the Land of the Living himself. He was the most ecstatic demon in the Land of the Dead.
I stashed beer bottles in my office while Glottis worked. The demons in the mail room liked beer and they started liking it even more after the tube system went in. They also liked stuffing their empties down the tubes. They were responsible for more than a few ‘unscheduled systems improvement opportunities’. Well, I wasn’t content just to use empties. I was after the biggest mess I could make. So when Glottis told me the car was finished, I sent two dozen open bottles of stout down my tube. About fifteen minutes later a happy little demon brought me some work orders. Some were actually for me, others for Domino. None of them seemed promising, especially mine. Half an hour after that another demon came. I scanned the work orders he had for Domino. One jumped out at me.
“Mercedes Colomar,” I read off, “Client number 9308… blah blah blah… time of death… yadda yadda yadda… Ah-ha! ‘Positive Attributes: Volunteered time reading stories to dying children’! That’s good!” I said to myself, giving the work order back to the demon, “That’s really good!” I picked up the phone to call Glottis, “I think you’re it, Mercedes Colomar,” I said as I dialed, “I think you’re the one for me!”
After I finished telling Glottis to meet me with the car, I grabbed my gear and rushed out of my office, but was forced to wait for the garage elevator. Domino had got the work orders while I was on the phone with Glottis. I should have told the mail room demon to wait. I put my gear on in the elevator after it finally got back to my floor. When the doors opened at the garage level I ran out to my car and stopped dead in my tracks. There in front of me was the biggest, baddest hot rod I’d ever seen. I used to have dreams about cars like this one all through adolescence. I gawked for ten critical seconds.
“Glottis!” I exclaimed finally. “Are you loco? That was a company car!”
“Oh, yeah!” Glottis crowed. “And it’s even better company now! Hop in!”
Glottis had so radically rebuilt the car that ‘hopping in’ meant climbing onto a kind of throne affair perched in the back of the car behind a half-bubble windscreen. “Are you sure about this, mano? I don’t want to be blown off!”
“Don’t worry, Manny,” Glottis said, “I tested it out in a wind tunnel! You won’t even feel a breeze.”
“All right,” I said doubtfully. As I climbed up the rear of the car I saw the words Bone Wagon painted on the side. I got into my seat and strapped myself in tightly. “Have you seen Domino?”
“Yeah. Mr. Hurley drove off a few minutes ago.”
“Damn!” I said. “I wish I got to the elevator first! OK, carnal, we’re going where Domino is going, only we’ve got to get there first! And we’ve got to get there and get away before he arrives. Got it?”
“Got it!” Glottis said. The car’s new engine roared to life and Glottis must’ve laid an inch of rubber on the cement as we tore out of the garage and onto the Limbo Highway.
This trip was completely different from the first with Glottis—fast, smooth, cool. And he was right about the windshield. I peered through the gloom ahead. It wasn’t long before I saw twin red lights. Glottis raced closer and for a few seconds I thought he intended to ram Domino’s car. But he did a quick swerve at the last second and we were past. I twisted around to see Domino’s car go into the ditch beside the road and roll onto its side. I hoped the driver would be all right, but that spill bought me all the time I needed. I hoped.
Soon after having passed Domino, we rocketed into the Land of the Living. Glottis never seemed to slow down as we tore through the streets. I was afraid we’d roll over, too, on some corners; but the Bone Wagon rode low and did everything Glottis asked of it. In just a few minutes we were gliding up to a hospital. I hopped down and said to Glottis, “Keep ’er running. I’ll be quick as I can.”
I ran into the hospital and made myself slow down. I didn’t want to get into a rush and lose my way. I had no way of knowing how close Domino might be and couldn’t afford to waste time by being in too much of a hurry. But I found my client soon enough and sliced apart the cords that bound her to the Land of the Living.
“Buenos Días,” I said.
Mercedes Colomar looked at me calmly for a second or two before saying, “You’re not the nurse.”
“No,” I said.
“You’re not here to give me my medication?”
“No. But I am here to ease your pain.”
She glanced away from me. “I guess they couldn’t save me, huh?”
“No, but there’s still a chance you could save me.” Mercedes looked up quizzically at me, and I held out my hand to help her up. “It’s time to go,” I said.
“I suppose it is,” She said, walking out into the corridor, then looking back only because I was still standing like a dope by the hospital bed. That was a good sign. Saints are always ready and fearless. And impatient.
When we got out to the car she took a step backwards. She looked over at me and said wryly, “Not exactly the fiery chariot I was expecting.” Before I could say anything to that she started to climb up to the passenger seat. “I think I’m gonna like this,” I heard her say to herself. “No, I’m going to love it!”
I went over to Glottis. “Head back to the Limbo Highway by a different route,” I told him. “We don’t want to meet up with Domino.” He nodded.