If you get through the bra strap, your next challenge is the undergarments, which you will probably have to ask your date for assistance with, because they can be complex beyond human imagining, but I strongly advise that before the two of you tackle them, you should leave the restaurant.
Solid Advice about Condoms
Guys, you should definitely use a condom. All major health authorities agree on this. The whole nation has become violently pro-condom, not just for guys having sex, but also for guys puttering around the yard, domestic animals most vegetables and all major war monuments. Better safe than sorry!
Where to Get Additional Explicit Helpful Information on Sex
The best source of reliable information is romance novels, which you can find in better bookstores and supermarkets everywhere. You know the books I mean—the cover always is a picture of a handsome and of course brooding man embracing a woman with green eyes and a bosom that is clearly heaving, sometimes most of the way out of her dress. The title is always something fairly humid, like Loins of Passion.
You sexually inexperienced couples should get hold of one of these books, because inside you will find a number of passages that are chock-full of explicit, down-to-earth, practical “straight talk” about the sexual act:
“As Sabrina gazed upward at Baron LeGume, whose dark, brooding eyeballs were turgid with passion, she felt the tormented tenseness of his throbbing, pulsating malehood, and she knew, with a knowledge borne of knowing, that she could no longer hold back the surging waves of passion that washed over her, like waves of something, as his brooding throbbing pulsating highly engorged lips sought hers, not that she wanted to hold them back, we’re talking about the waves of passion here, although she knew that somehow, somewhere, perhaps deep within the shuddering throes of yearninghood that even now gripped the very core of her womanhood, if you get what we mean, that she must find a way, through the hazy mists of desire, to end this sentence, although she sensed somehow that ...”
And so on. You young couples should study these helpful and realistic passages thoroughly, so you can use them for guidance when you are attempting sex (“You mean to tell me that’s the tormented tenseness of your malehood?”).
Chapter 4. Breaking Up Or Getting Engaged
After a while, the sparkle tends to go out of a relationship. I don’t care how passionate you are. I don’t care if you’re like those couples in romantic movies who, in the scene where they finally realize they’re in love, lunge into each other’s arms and fall to the ground, wherever they are, even if it is a pasture, and roll around amongst the cow doots in a sexual frenzy. You don’t think those couples keep that kind of thing up, do you? Throughout life? Of course not. What would their clothes smell like?
The point being, a relationship can survive on pure romance for only so long. Sooner or later, Mundane Reality starts to seep in, and you need to make a decision:
* Do you break up with this person and look around for another one in hopes of once again experiencing the searing surge of unbridled passion, ideally in a carpeted environment? Or,
* Do you accept that your relationship can move to a more mature stage, a stage based not so much upon impulse and romance and physical attraction as upon liking the same television shows? In short, do you get married?
How to Tell If You Are Compatible with Somebody
One way to find out if another person is “right” for you is to spend a lot of time with this person, talking and sharing experiences, so that you really get to know him or her as a human being. This is what we call the old-fashioned, or “stupid” way. The modern way is to take a Compatibility Quiz.
The Compatibility Quiz is a concept that was developed by top research scientists at Cosmopolitan magazine, a highly informative publication whose cover always has a picture of a glamorous woman, wearing an extremely low-cut outfit, whose breasts appear to be pointing straight up. In fact, they are pointing down: Cosmopolitan suspends these women by their feet from the ceiling. That is the price you have to pay, if you truly wish to be glamorous.
Anyway, if you want to know whether your relationship will work out, you need to sit down and answer these questions:
Money
Who do you feel should be the “breadwinner” in a family?
A. The man.
B. The woman.
C. H. Ross Perot.
Children
Which of the following statements best describes your feelings toward children?
A. “Put that down this instant!”
B. “I said put that down!”
C. “Never put your finger in that part of the doggy!!”
Housework
In a modern marriage, who do you feel should be responsible for the housework?
A. Nobody.
B. It should be divided up fairly and equally among the servants.
C. Leona Helmsley.
Recreation
Your idea of a pleasant romantic evening is:
A. Sipping a glass of wine and watching a roaring fire.
B. Drinking a few martinis and roaring at the fire.
C. Drinking a bottle of gin and setting things on fire.
Sex
The kind of sex you enjoy most is:
A. With another person.
B. With several other persons, but no animals.
C. At least not invertebrates.
D. Unless they are fairly tame.
Religion
How would you describe your attitude toward religion?
A. About your height, only thinner.
B. I am not especially big on religion, but I have watched it on television.
C. I am religious to the point of human sacrifice.
Family Crises
Bill and Denise are a young married working couple with no children. One day they set out from Reno, Nevada, on foot at exactly 4:30 P.m. Bill walks three miles per hour and rests for ten minutes each hour, while Denise walks at exactly two miles per hour without stopping. After a couple of days they are both dead from scorpions. Which of the following statements most closely matches your feelings regarding this?
A. It serves them right.
B. I hear Reno is quite nice.
C. I myself prefer a moister climate.
Current Events
The capital of Vermont is:
A. Where they keep the governor.
B. Very cold.
C. Probably in New England.
HOW TO SCORE: Give yourself one point for each answer. No, what the heck, give yourself two points for each answer. Now add up your points and compare your total with the total for the person you’re trying to be compatible with. If both of your totals are numbers, odds are you two will hit it off pretty well. At least until you get married. Or maybe not. How the hell should I know?