Guilt

'You don't have to talk like that.'

'I'll talk any way I want in my own house.'

She shook her head and stood up, thinking she'd tried her best tonight. 'Okay,' she said, 'but I don't have to listen to it in my house.'

She was all the way to the door before he stopped her with a whisper. 'Don't you hear what I'm saying at all, Christina?'

Taking a step toward him, she spoke evenly. 'I don't recognize you, Mark.I know the firm failing is hard and I don't know how you're dealing with it. But I'm not trying to take away any of your power. I've been here for you, I've kept trying even when-' She stopped.

'When what?'

'All right.' A few more steps, up to his chair. She eased herself down on the arm of it. 'Even when I found out you lied to me, even then.'

Narrowing his eyes, giving nothing away. 'When did I do that?'

She had to get it out. She'd come this far, maybe it would help. 'I ran into Darren Mills a month ago, two months, something like that. Over at Stonestown. Remember Darren, your old partner?'

'Sure, I remember Darren. What about him?'

'During your trial, Darren wound up doing a lot of work down in LA with Joe Avery. They got to be friends.'

'Good for them.'

She ignored that. 'Darren figured I'd be interested in how Joe was doing. He's still down there, you know. He got on with a new firm.'

'I'm happy for him.'

She paused. His venom was poisonous. She put her hand protectively over her stomach. 'Darren mentioned Joe's transfer down to LA, how it had come on so suddenly.' A beat. 'You told me Joe's transfer had been in the works for months.'

'I did?'

'Darren said that wasn't true. You sprang it on the Managing committee a couple of weeks before it happened. It stunned everybody. Joe hadn't even been up for partner for another year, but of course they did what you told them they had to – rubber stamp it.'

Dooher pulled a stool around and sat on it. 'That's my terrible lie? That's it?'

'Yeah, that's it. And it made me think…' She paused and started over. 'It made me remember your explosion in the courtroom, when you blew up at Amanda Jenkins, and then saying it had all been an act.'

'I got into the role.' He shrugged. 'And so what did the other lie – that whopper about Joe Avery – what did that make you think that you stopped yourself from saying just now?'

Swallowing, she met his gaze. He was unflinching, challenging her, casually sipping from his glass. He wanted her to get it out in the open. 'It made me think you got rid of Joe so he'd be out of the way. You knew it would break us up.'

'And then I could subtly court you? While Sheila was still alive? And if you responded, then I could kill her?'

She crossed her arms.

'Okay,' he said, 'let's say I did that.'

'I'm not saying you did.'

'Oh, but you are, Christina. That's exactly what you're saying. And if that were the case, then you were part of it, weren't you? And for a sweet person like yourself, that's hard to take, isn't it?'

He came off the stool, his hands in the pockets of his robe, pacing in the area between them. 'So let's say I did do it, let's say I killed Sheila because I had the hots for you – and get this straight, Christina, I did. And you knew it. You're not stupid. You knew it. So I killed her and now it's been almost two years and I got away with it. Now you tell me this: how does that change anything between us?'

'It changes who you are,Mark. It would change everything.'

Hovering over her now, he shook his head. 'No, it wouldn't.' He came down to one knee. 'I am the same person.'

She couldn't face any more of it, and she closed her eyes. 'Tell me you didn't do that, Mark. Please. You're scaring me to death.'

'And I suppose I killed Victor Trang for practice.' He put his hand around the back of her neck. 'It's your own guilt that's eating you up, Christina. Not mine. I don't feel any guilt.'

'Did you do it?' she repeated.

'And the guy in Vietnam, too. And raped Diane Price.'

'Did you?'

'What does it matter?'

'Please! I have to know.'

'No,' he said, 'you have to trust me.'

She took his hand away from her neck, holding it to keep it off her. 'When I know you've lied to me? When you act so convincingly? When you're just so cruel? I need to know, Mark. I need to know who you are.'

The eyes – at long last – softened. Shaking his head, he let out a sigh. 'I don't even remember this lie about Joe Avery, Christina. I don't remember what it was about, when I told it, anything about it. If I told you a lie, I'm sorry. The act I put on in the courtroom was a strategic decision. The insane accusations got to me and I let myself lose my temper, which I normally hold in pretty good check. That's all that was.'

'But were they insane, Mark – the accusations? That's what I'm asking you.'

'How many times do I have to answer that question, Christina?' He hung his head. 'God help the accused. It never ends.'

'It can. It can end right now.'

'What's it going to do for us? Or for me? I'll tell you again, no, I didn't do it, and then some other doubt will come up in six months or a year, or you'll hear some new story about something I did or didn't do in the Stone Age.'

'No, Christina, what's happening here is I've got to keep proving myself to you, over and over again. And I'm going to tell you the truth – it's wearing me down. You're doing what Wes has done, what Flaherty did…'

'What did they do, Mark? What did they do?'

'They abandoned me, Goddamn it! They didn't believe me, don't you see? They emasculated me. Except with you, it's more literal. That's what tonight was about, all these times it hasn't worked. I can't take your doubts anymore. What's happened is you cut my balls off.'

'Mark

'No! We've taken it this far. I don't feel like I'm a man around you anymore. I'm afraid the smallest slip of the tongue, the tiniest slip in behavior, and I'm back on the block being scrutinized and judged – and asked- over and over again. Well, I can't do it. My body doesn't lie. I'm not loose. I'm not having any fun. Nothing's easy anymore. It doesn't feel like you love me.'

He put his hands under her shirt and ran them over her belly, her breasts. She didn't want that – any part of it. What was the matter with him? Couldn't he tell that?

But he had just told her it didn't feel like she loved him anymore. And now, if she told him to stop, it would be worse.

She no longer felt she knew what the truth was. Maybe the whole thing was her fault, her weakness in not being able to believe.

She understood why he wouldn't tell her again, once and for all. He was right – it wouldn't be once and for all. The last time she asked him, it had been once and for all then, too. The question had been asked and answered. How many times did she have to ask, and what damage did it do to him each time?

He was going to be the father of their child, and her own inability to trust was threatening all of them.

But it wasn't all her. She knew that. Something had darkened in him. His hands were still moving over her, his breath quickening.

Maybe the darkness had always been there and it had taken these troubles to make it visible. But the way he treated her now, talked to her, it was coarse. He had coarsened. She didn't respond to it and never would.

She felt his hands on her. He was strong and powerful and she realized that she was afraid. Her skin seemed to crawl under his touch. After all they'd covered tonight, she couldn't imagine that he felt amorous. He pulled her shift up, brought his mouth to her breasts.

God, what made him work?

He yanked at the rope that held his robe and it fell open. He was hard, protruding. He took her hand and put it on him, exultant at the simple functioning. 'Here's something for you now.'