“Do you mean within a family unit?”
Ingrid hesitated before answering, “yes.”
There were another thirty seconds before Danny spoke again, making an attempt at levity which Judith interpreted as an articulation of his delight.
“Come to think of it, we really need a drama teacher.”
But there was no laugh from Ingrid, polite or otherwise. “Well, you’ll have to throw your little toys away now you’ve got responsibilities.”
“What toys?” Danny laughed in bewilderment.
“This place I mean. We’ve got to move full steam ahead, for Lawrence’s sake. There’s no way we’re going to achieve anything stranded out here in the back of beyond. If we move to London, I can get back into acting and you can realize your full potential in the art world, instead of hiding away from life up here.”
“But…I…I can’t desert these kids.”
“Your responsibility is to me and Lawrence now, not a bunch of scrounging schemies. I noticed that was good wine they were quaffing out there at my child’s expense…Haut-Brion!...Chateau Haut-Brion! Oh, you’ve got to toughen up Danny! Time to join the real world I’m afraid.”
“I need to think.”
“You shouldn’t have to think about it…you love me right?”
“I’ve got to get some air.”
Totally preoccupied, Danny didn’t even notice Judith as he bounded out the front door, heading towards the beach. By the time he returned, after dark, the party had broken up and the students were lying outside the byre on their mattresses, unable to sleep because of the heat. When he entered the kitchen, Judith was washing dishes with Francesca, while Ingrid sat drinking wine at the table.
“Where the hell did you get to?” she moaned.
Judith and Francesca left them alone, the latter going upstairs to check on little Lawrence, the former going outside to listen in at the kitchen window.
“So?” Ingrid demanded.
“This isn’t easy for me.”
“Life isn’t easy Danny.”
“The way I see things, I’ve not made any bond or promises to our son. In fact, until the last few hours he may as well not have existed. But these kids, these ‘scrounging schemies’ I have bonded with and I have made promises to. I’ve already seen enough to know I’ll never have anything in common with you or our child…not like I have things in common with these people. I mean, you’ve already got him dolled up in designer clothes for God’s sake! No. Under your terms, fulfilling the obligation to my biological child would mean betraying twenty-two others…my spiritual children if you like. Surely, being as ‘practical’ as you are, you’ll acknowledge that it’s more efficient to bring twenty-two kids up well, rather than just one, who, in fact, isn’t going to be brought up well at all, but encouraged to be an obnoxious, selfish, greedy, grabbing brat like his mother.”
“Typical friggin’ socialist! Worry about everyone else’s kids while avoiding responsibility for their own! What sort of a man abandons his family?”
“I don’t know. This is my family…you’re quite welcome to join us.”
“You’re a lunatic! You’ll never rise out of the gutter because you love it there you freak! Francesca!” Ingrid wailed up the stairs. “Bring Lawrence! We’re leaving!”
Judith hid herself round the side of the cottage, where she waited until Ingrid’s silver Range Rover had tore off, spraying gravel in its wake. When she re-entered the kitchen, Danny was removing a bottle of malt and a glass tumbler from an overhead cupboard. On turning round he spotted her and went back for another glass, while she sat down at the end of the table in silence. He came and sat on the corner next to her, half filling the tumblers before handing her one. Though she was happy to see the back of Ingrid, Judith’s conscience compelled her to play devil’s advocate. There was, after all, a child involved.
“Danny, I overheard you and Ingrid.” Danny took his first ever sip of whisky and screwed his face up in displeasure at the taste. “Are you absolutely sure you’re making the right decision?”
“I’ve never felt so sure about anything in my whole life Judith. This past year or so has been the best time I’ve ever had. I didn’t realize my happiness until Ingrid appeared and reminded me how miserable our relationship actually became. Within minutes of being here she was dragging me down a dark well and making me claustrophobic.” He turned his head to look out the window. “Down at the beach, listening to the waves and the piping Oystercatchers, I thought ‘God, I’m free’. Not only that, but free within a community. Why the hell would I want to imprison myself in some overpriced, terraced house in a soulless city, where I know nobody except my grasping, dictatorial missus and a kid who, shaped in her mould, I’d only end up hating anyway.”
“But Danny, he’s your son. Surely that means something?”
“Of course it does, and that’s why I’m doing what’s best for him. It’s no good him being torn between us all the time. Much better that he has a set path to follow, and that’s either hers or mine. I’m wise enough to know that it’s going to be hers. And as for any emotional attachment, well, that doesn’t even exist yet, so it’s not like I’m going to be pining after him.”
“But you are going to see him from time to time?”
“That’ll be up to her.”
“But if you do see him that’s when you’ll become attached. By then it will be too late to become a family, though, because of your decision tonight. I mean what if Ingrid gets someone else in…someone who neglects Lawrence because he’s not their flesh and blood?”
“What if that ‘someone else’ can be a better father than I ever could, simply because he doesn’t suffer the egotism that comes with being a biological parent? Perhaps he’ll see Lawrence as an individual rather than his personal ambassador.” Judith puckered her lips while thinking about what he said. “That’s possibly why I get along so well with these kids, because they’re not my own. You know those stories we hear about new born babies being mixed up in hospital wards and going home with the wrong parents? Perhaps that should be done as a matter of course. That way we’d eradicate that emotional involvement which only ever ends in arguments, and kids would get the rational, objective guidance they need.”
“All you’d get is mothers dying of angst and streets full of orphans sleeping rough. Take away that sense of ownership and most people would just stop giving a damn about kids.”
Danny nodded, slowly in contemplation.
“Truth is Judith, I just can’t abide that woman anymore. I’d love to bring Lawrence up, but we know that’s never going to happen.” Danny drained his glass and began pouring himself another. “He’ll be ok, don’t you worry about that. He’ll be brought up all nice and bourgeois, go to university, take drugs at weekends and moan about his taxes and dole scroungers. I don’t want to confuse the poor lad.” He looked down at the furrows in the wooden table, while rolling the tumbler between his thumb and forefingers. “I don’t want him worrying about the planet and wearying everyone with boring negativity. It’s better if Lawrence sees the world through his mother’s positive eyes. I’ve tried to change but I can’t, and I’ll only infect him too if I’m around. No, it’s for the best.”
“But you have changed. You’d have to travel a long way to find someone more positive than you these days.” Judith spread her arms wide at either side of her. “This place is a temple to optimism for God’s sake!”