Daniel was not sure if it was the thought of not seeing his mother or being taken from Minnie that frightened him. He was tired of going to new places and then being sent away, yet he didn’t expect to stay here. He knew the leaving would be soon. It was best that he should initiate it.
First he became aware of his fingers, still sticky from the corn, sticking together as if they were webbed, then his heart began to beat hard and he couldn’t breathe. He stood up from the table and his chair fell back on to the floor. The bang of it startled Blitz, who jumped to his feet. Daniel ran out of the kitchen and straight upstairs to his room.
‘Danny!’ he heard her call.
He stood at the bedroom window, looking down at the yard. His eyes were hot and his hands were trembling. He heard her on the stairs, pulling on the banister to heave herself up. He turned round and the dizzy rosebuds on the wallpaper swarmed at him.
He put his hands into his hair and pulled it until tears came to his eyes. He screamed long and hard until he was out of breath. As soon as she entered the bedroom, he took the jewellery box from the dresser and smashed it into the mirror on the wardrobe. When she moved towards him, he took the dresser and toppled it in her path. He saw her climb on to the bed to get to him and he started to bang on the glass of the window with his fist and then his head. He wanted out, away from her. He wanted his mam.
He couldn’t hear what she was saying but her lips were moving and her eyes were turned down in distress. As soon as he felt her hands on him he spun and smacked her across the mouth. He turned away from her then. He didn’t want to see the reproach in her eyes. He started to bang on the window again, with his fist and then his head, and it cracked, but then he felt her hands on his shoulder. He swung round with his fists tight, but she pulled him into her and down on to the floor.
She had her arms around him. His face was pressed against her chest and he could feel her arms around him like rope and the sheer weight of her. He fought it. He kicked and he tried to get free, but it was no use. He tried to scream again, but she only held him tighter.
‘That’s it, lad, you’re OK. You’re going to be OK. Let it out now. Let it all out. You’re all right.’
He didn’t mean to cry. He didn’t even try to stop it. He was just so tired. It just came out of him, the tears and the breaths. He couldn’t stop. She sat up and leaned against the broken mirror of the wardrobe, all the time keeping him close to her. She stopped pinning his arms, but she pulled him tighter. He felt her lips on his forehead. He was aware of the noise that he was making: his stolen, broken breaths and the smell of her. The damp wool of her was suddenly soothing and he breathed her in.
Daniel didn’t know how long they stayed like that, but it was a long time. The weather changed outside and the damp morning was replaced with bright sun thrown on to the doused house and farm. He had stopped crying, but he kept breathing in sighs and sucked breaths, as if he was tasting something very hot. He was spent as a coin. He didn’t know where he was going next.
‘There now, hush, my love,’ she whispered to him, as he tried to breathe evenly. ‘You’re all right. I’m not your mum. I can never be your mum, but I’m here all the same. I’ll always be here if you need me.’
He was too tired to sit up or reply to her, but part of him was glad she was there and he tightened his grip around her waist. She held him a little tighter in response.
After a while, he could breathe properly again. Slowly, she let him go. Later, in bed early, he tried to remember if anyone else had held him like that. Most people didn’t get that close to him. His mother had kissed him. Yes, she had run her fingers through his hair. She had comforted him once or twice when he’d been hurt.
Daniel helped Minnie to her feet and then together they tried to put the room back in order. The window was cracked and the mirror was smashed. Minnie sighed when she surveyed the destruction.
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to break them,’ he said. ‘I’ll get them fixed for you, like.’
‘Didn’t know you had that kind of money,’ she said, laughing.
‘I could get some.’
‘That you on about your pickpocket career again? I don’t think so.’ She bent to pick up the jewellery box from the floor. She bent at the hip with her bum sticking up and her skirt riding up at the back, so you could see her white legs and her man’s socks that came up to the knee. He could see that he had wearied her. Her cheeks were red and she had sweat on her lip.
‘I’d get a paper round, like.’
‘Paper round indeed? You can help me on the stall at weekends. Help me deliver the eggs. I’ll get you pocket money for that.’
‘All right then.’
‘Aye, but mind you, I need someone careful. Can you be careful with the eggs?’
‘I’ll be careful. I promise.’
‘Well, we’ll see then. We’ll have to see.’
9
In the car, Daniel drove above the speed limit, the windows open again, enjoying the fresh air and taking deep breaths that stretched his diaphragm. He frowned at the road, trying to understand why he had been so upset at the funeral, and then so angry at Cunningham. It had been childish and emotional. He berated himself, gently cursing under his breath as he drove.
Now that he was on the road again, he felt better: relaxed but tired. Brampton was a downer; the distractions of work still seemed far away. He took another deep breath and wondered if it was the scent of manure doping him. He should have taken the M6 straight down to London – he wanted to be home before dark – but he found himself just driving with the window open, smelling the fields, observing the small houses and remembering places he had visited as a child.
He found himself on the A69, almost by accident, and then he was trapped in traffic, with Newcastle ahead of him. Daniel had not intended a detour, but there was something that he wanted to see again; something he needed to do, today of all days.
Daniel drove into the city and past the university, out on to the Jesmond Road. He drove much slower here, almost in fear of arrival.
When he got out of the car, the sun was hidden behind cloud. He was mindful of the long drive ahead of him, yet he wanted to stay and see her one more time.
The entrance to the cemetery was a maternal arch of red sandstone and he found himself drawn into its depths. He knew where to go; he had followed the path with teenaged footsteps, finding the place where she was laid to rest.
Daniel was surprised how quickly he found her gravestone. Its white marble was now discoloured and stained. The black-painted letters of her name had almost entirely flaked away, so that from a distance her name read Sam Gerald Hunt, instead of Samantha Geraldine Hunter. Daniel sighed, with his hands in his pockets.
It was a simple cross, with gravel at its foot, so as to negate the need for flowers, upkeep, protestations of love.
Rocking on his heels before the grave, Daniel thought about the words from Minnie’s ceremony: Commit. Body. Elements. Earthly. Dust. Ashes. Trust. Mercy. He remembered standing before this grave as a younger man, feeling wounded because his own name was not engraved on the cheap marble. He had wanted it to read Loving Mother to Daniel Hunter. Had she been a loving mother? Had she loved him at all?
He had been angry about this death for a long time, but now he stood unmoved by the fact that his name was not on the gravestone. He knew that he shared DNA with the bones below his feet, but he had no need for these bones any longer.