He was facing up to Jim. Daniel was in his bare feet and he scrunched his toes on the carpet, steeling himself. Jim’s face seemed to loom before him, teeth and nose too big on his face. The man bent down towards Daniel suddenly.
Daniel jumped back and pulled his knife from his jeans pocket. He flicked it open and held it up to the man’s face.
‘Dear God!’ Jim jumped back and so Daniel stepped forward.
‘What’s going on?’ It was Val, in her dressing gown.
‘Get back, leave this to me,’ Jim shouted, so loud that it made Daniel jump.
‘Leave me alone,’ said Daniel, turning with the knife in front of him so that he could back away from Jim, towards the wall.
‘Put that down immediately,’ said Jim.
Daniel watched the startled panic in his eyes. He watched the man’s Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. Daniel smiled, watching the light reflecting off the blade on to Jim’s T-shirt. Jim reached out towards him, trying to grab Daniel’s T-shirt.
‘Watch out!’ Val shrieked.
Daniel stabbed. He cut Jim’s forearm. The man pulled back, holding his arm with his free hand. Daniel watched as a thin line of blood ran through his fingers and on to the carpet. Daniel relaxed for a moment, but Jim turned suddenly and pushed Daniel on to the floor, stepping on his hand and twisting the knife from his grasp.
Every time he watched it in his mind it was different. Now Daniel was not sure what had actually happened. First he remembered that Jim had raised his hand and Daniel anticipated a strike. Then that seemed wrong; Jim had just turned slightly and Daniel saw an opportunity.
Daniel screamed when he was pinned to the floor. He kicked and lunged at Jim every time he managed to pull a leg or arm free. Val took hold of Jim and the pair of them left Daniel lying on the floor in the living room, closing the door behind them. Daniel kicked and punched at the door, his lower teeth biting into his upper lip. He smashed all the ornaments on the mantelpiece and then sat down by the side of a sofa, his knees tucked into his chest, rubbing the letter of his mother’s name.
The heat on his face was too much and so Daniel sat up and pushed back the covers. The day seemed fresh and good, like the milk under the cream, yet Daniel felt bad. The badness was heavy inside him. He could retch but he would never retch it up. The badness was there inside him and there it would stay.
He rolled on to his back. He could smell the chicken that Minnie was cooking. The smell of the bird roasting turned his stomach. He lay, staring at the ceiling, watching the scenes flicker silently on the back of his forehead.
He heard his stomach rumbling. He heard the cackle of the fryer as Minnie lowered wet fingers of potato into the fat. He could feel his heart beating hard, as if it might break through his chest, although he was lying completely still. Then he heard Minnie on the stairs, heavy footsteps and the wooden handrail straining against her weight. The sighs as she climbed.
*
Minnie sat down on the bed, and pulled back the covers to reveal his face. Daniel felt the exposure and closed his eyes. He felt the warm tickle of her fingers on his forehead.
‘What’re you thinkin’, Danny?’ she whispered.
‘What I done.’
‘Pardon?’
‘M’thinkin’ ’bout what I done.’
‘Why did you do that, can you remember?’
Daniel shook his head on the pillow.
‘I don’t know what I’m going to do with you, so I don’t. There’s no sin in not liking someone – there’s loads of people I don’t care for, but you just can’t stab people. Try and think about why you would want to do something like that.’
Daniel turned on his side. He turned towards her, his hands under his chin and his knees up.
‘Why?’ Minnie whispered. He felt her fingers comb through his hair.
‘ ’Cause I’m bad,’ he murmured, but she didn’t hear him.
She leaned in close, her hand heavy on his head now. ‘What, love?’
‘ ’Cause I’m bad.’
She pulled him up by his elbow and he swung his legs round to sit beside her. She took his chin in her two fingers. He looked at her eyes and they were twinkling, like the first day he met her. ‘You-are-not-bad,’ she said. He felt the pinch of her fingers on his chin. ‘You are a lovely boy, and I am a lucky woman to know you.’
He couldn’t help it, but tried to stop the tears.
He could smell the dog and the grass outside from her cardigan. The day was a terrible weight on him suddenly and he leaned against her, letting his cheek rest on her shoulder. She squeezed him – put two arms around him and squeezed the badness out.
‘… But you can’t hurt people, Danny, or my little animals for that matter …’
He pulled away at those words. Still shamed.
‘I know people have hurt you, in lots of different ways, and I can understand you wanting to hurt back, but let me tell you … that road’s only for eejits. I should know. There’s so much more you can be.’
Daniel sniffed and wiped his eyes and his nose with his sleeve.
‘Did you have to cut him? You could have talked to him, or asked him to take you back if you had to. You didn’t need to cut him.’
Daniel nodded, chin so close to his chest that she was not sure whether or not she saw him agree.
‘Why did you do it? Did you think he was going to hit you?’
‘Maybe … I dunno … no.’ He shook his head, looking at her. Her eyes were turned down at the corners and there was a deep line between her eyebrows.
‘Why then?’
He took a deep breath. He looked at his feet. His socks were hanging off. He twirled his foot and watched the sock dance for a moment.
‘I want to stay here,’ he said, still watching his sock.
There was a pause. He watched her hands. They were loosely clasped. He was frightened to look at her eyes.
‘You mean you did it so that they wouldn’t want to adopt you?’ she said finally. Her voice was quiet. He heard no criticism. It was as if she only wanted to understand.
He had a pain at the back of his throat. He remembered Tricia’s words after he had said goodbye to his mother for the last time:
If nobody else wants me, do I get to stay with her?
No, love. She’s a foster parent. There’ll be another little boy or girl needing her.
‘I want to stay here.’ It was all he could say. He made fists with his hands and waited for her to speak. It seemed like the longest time.
‘Would you like me to adopt you? If you really want to stay, I’d like nothing better. I’d adopt you in a heartbeat if they let me. Matter of fact, I adopted you the minute I set eyes on you. Do you want to stay? I’ll try for us. I can’t promise but I’ll try.’
She was looking him in the eye. She was holding his shoulders so that he had to look at her. He didn’t want to say anything, because he knew he would cry again. He tried to nod, but he was wound up so tight that it must have looked like he was shaking his chin. She was frowning with one of her grey eyebrows raised.
‘Want you … adopt me,’ he managed.
Her fingers were digging into his shoulders. ‘Know that I want that too, but it’s a legal thing. I know you know more than anyone how that can go against you. The law works its own magic and I don’t understand it, but I’ll try for us. You mustn’t get your hopes up until we actually sign. Understand?’
She hugged him and he swallowed, letting his tears again soak into the wool of her cardigan. He didn’t make a sound, but his heart was breaking. He was flooded with joy, just then, because she wanted him.