“What the hell was that?” Colonel North asts. “That’s Wanda,” I say.
“You fellers got a girl in that carton?” says the colonel. “Wanda’s a pig,” I say.
“Yeah, I don’t doubt it, hangin out with a couple of slackers like you. How come you against the war?”
“Cause it’s easier to be against somethin that don’t exist, you dummy,” Dan answers.
Colonel North scratches his chin for a second, then nods. “Yeah, I can see your point about that, I guess. Say, listen, Gump, what’s a guy like you who has won the Congressional Medal of Honor doin here actin like a hobo, anyway?”
I started to tell him about the pig farm an all, but I figgered it might sound strange, so I just said, “I got in a bidness venture that went sour.”
“Why, you oughta have stayed in the army,” the colonel says. “I mean, here you are a big war hero. You gotta have some sense.”
An then the colonel, he gets this real odd look in his eyes, an squints off in the distance for a minute, toward the White House, an when he turns back, he says, “Look here, Gump, I might be able to use a guy like you. There is something I’m involved with in which your talents could be very useful. You got time to come over across the street an hear me out?”
I looked at Dan, but he just nodded, an so the colonel an me, that’s what we did.
Chapter Six
First thing Colonel North says to me when we out of earshot of Dan is “Your clothes are awful; we gotta get you cleaned up.” An so he took me over to some army fort an tole them to fit me with a brand-new private’s uniform, an then he took me to where I could get a bath an to a barbershop for a haircut an a shave. When we was through, I was spic-an-span an feelin like I was back in the army or somethin—which was weird.
“Well, Gump, that is an improvement if I do say so,” the colonel says. “Now, look here, I want your ass spit-an-polish from now on in. If it’s necessary, I want you to even spit-shine your asshole—you got that?”
“Right, Colonel,” I say.
“And now,” he says, “I am gonna confer on you the title of ‘special assistant for covert operations.’ But you ain’t to tell anybody anything about any of this—no matter what. Right?”
“Right, Colonel,” I says.
“Listen, Gump,” says Colonel North when we get inside the White House, “we are going to see the President of the United States, so I want you to be on your best behavior—you got that straight?”
“I already seen him,” I says.
“When? On TV or something?”
“Right here—about eight or ten years ago.”
“Yeah, well, they got a new president now. You ain’t met this one yet—An he don’t hear too good, either, so you got to speak up if he says something to you. An for that matter,” Colonel North adds, “he don’t listen too well, either.”
We gone on into the little round room where the President was, an sure enough, it was not neither of the ole presidents I had met, but a new one this time. He was a older, kindly gentleman with little rosy cheeks an look like he might of been a cowboy at some point, or maybe a movie actor.
“Well, Mr. Gump, I am proud to make your acquaintance,” the President says. “Colonel North, here, tells me you won the Congressional Medal of Honor.”
“Yessir,” I says.
“And what did you do to get it?”
“I runned.”
“Beg your pardon?” says the President.
“He said he ran, sir,” Colonel North interrupted, “but he didn’t tell you he ran carryin five or six of his wounded buddies out of the line of fire.”
“Well, Colonel, there you go again,” say the President, “putting words in people’s mouths.”
“Sorry, sir,” says the colonel. “I was just trying to clarify matters. Put them in a proper perspective.”
“You leave that to me,” the President say. “That is my job, not yours—By the way, Colonel North, have we met before?”
Anyway, we finally got on down to bidness. In a corner of the room is a TV set, an the President, he has been watchin Concentration.
“Why don’t you turn that shit off, Colonel,” the President says. “It confuses me.”
“Right, sir,” says the colonel. “Personally, I prefer The Price Is Right, myself.”
“Last time I was here,” I says, tryin to get in the conversation, “the President, he sometimes watched To Tell the Truth. But that was a long time ago.”
“I ain’t too fond of that one,” Colonel North says.
“Listen,” says the President, “we ain’t got time to screw around talkin about TV shows. Just what you got on your mind, Ollie?”
“That sombitch the Ayatolja of Iran,” he says. “We is fixin to make a fool of him an get back our hostages, too, and while we are at it, we gonna do in them communist jackoffs in Central America, as well. It is the scheme of a lifetime, Mr. President!”
“Yeah? How you gonna do all that, Ollie?”
“Well,” say the colonel, “all it takes is a little tact and diplomacy—Now, here is my plan...”
For the next few hours the colonel he explainin his scheme to the President. Once or twice the President dozed off, an the colonel had to stop an wake him up by ticklin his nose with a feather he kept in his uniform pocket for that purpose. I did not foller much of Colonel North’s stuff, account of everthin seemed to depend on everthin else an they was a bunch of names thowed out that was just about unpronounceable. When he was finished, I didn’t understand any more about what we is sposed to do than when he started, but I figgered the President did.
“Yeah, Ollie, that all sounds pretty good to me, whatever it was, but let me ask you this: What is the Ayatolja of Iran got to do with it?” the President says.
“Huh?” say the colonel. “Why, the Ayatolja is the plan! Don’t you see—arms for hostages! An then we use the money they pay us to finance the gorillas fighting in Nicaragua! It couldn’t be neater, Mr. President!”
Me, I was wonderin why the gorillas in Nicaragua was fightin, an it reminded me of ole Sue.
Poor ole Sue.
“Well,” says the President, “it all sounds kinda fishy to me—but if you say so, Ollie—But just remember—no arms for hostages, per se—you know what I mean?”
“It will make you a great national hero, sir,” the colonel says.
“One other thing I don’t understand,” says the President, “is what is Mr. Gump’s role in all this?”
“Well, Mr. President,” the colonel answers, “I believe that the two greatest enemies of all Americans are ignorance and apathy, and Private Gump is living proof that these can be overcome. He will be a great asset to us.”
The President looked kinda puzzled an turned to me. “What’d he say? Somethin about ignorance and apathy, wadn’t it?”
“I don’t know, an I don’t give a shit,” I says.
At this, the President scratch his head an get up an turns on the TV set again.
“Whatever you want to do, Ollie,” he says, “but now I got to watch Let’s Make a Deal.”
“Yes, that’s a fine show, Mr. President.”
“The one I really liked was Queen For a Day, but it don’t come on no more,” the President says, lookin kinda sad.
“You just leave it to me and Private Gump, here, Mr. President. I assure you, we will reflect great credit on you and this office.”
But the President, he seem like he ain’t really listenin. He is watchin Let’s Make a Deal.
Anyhow, after all that I gone on back to Lafayette Park with Colonel North an am wonderin what to do about Lieutenant Dan an Wanda, account of I can’t leave em there alone. The colonel, he has figgered out a plan for Dan, say he is gonna have him committed to Walter Reed Hospital for “observation,” an ain’t no time goes by but what a big ambulance pulls up an hauls Lieutenant Dan off.