“Yeah, but that’s not how it is. Nobody can know how long they gonna live.”
“Forrest,” he say, “you got the mind of a mole.”
Anyway, this will sort of give you an idea of Dan’s frame of mind. Me, I was feelin pretty low mysef. I had begun to realize that Colonel North an me has been bamboozled by the Ayatolja, who has now got his missiles, an we ain’t seen no hostages returned. Colonel North done been busy arrangin for the money we got for the missiles to be sent down to Central America to the gorillas, an he is not feelin nearly as bad about things as me.
“Gump,” he says one mornin, “I gotta go up to Congress in a day or so to testify to some committee about my activities. Now, they may call you, too, or they may not, but in any case, you don’t know nothin about any deals for arms for hostages, do you?”
“I know somethin about the arms, but I ain’t seen no hostages yet.”
“That’s not what I meant, you big ox! Don’t you realize what we have done is illegal! We could all go to jail! So you better keep your big mouth shut and do what I tell you, you hear?”
“Yes, sir,” I says.
Anyhow, I had other shit to worry about, namely, that Colonel North had got me billeted at the marine barracks, an it was not goin too pleasant there. Marines is different from army folks. They is always goin aroun hollerin at everbody an chewin ass an makin you keep everthin clean as a whistle. The one thing it seemed they liked least was havin an army private in their barracks, an frankly, they made my life so miserable that I finally moved out. I didn’t have nowhere to go, so I gone on back to Lafayette Park to see if I could find my crate. Turned out, somebody was usin it, so I went an found me another one. An after I got things fixed up, I got the bus out to the National Zoo to see if I could find ole Wanda.
Sure enough, she was there, right next to the seals an the tiger.
They had her in a little cage with some straw an shavins on the floor, an she was lookin pretty unhappy. Sign on the cage says Swinus Americanus.
When she seen me, she recognized me immediately, an I reached out over the fence an give her a pat on the snout. She give out a big ole grunt, an I felt so sorry for her I didn’t know what to do. If I could of, I’d of busted in that cage an turned her loose. Anyhow, I went on up to the concession stand an bought some popcorn an a Twinkie, an took it back to Wanda’s cage. I almost bought her a hotdog, but thought better of it. I gave her the Twinkie an was feedin her the popcorn, when a voice behin me says:
“An just what do you think you’re doin?”
I turn aroun an it is a big ole zoo guard standin there.
“I am givin Wanda some food.”
“Oh, yeah? Well, don’t you see that sign right there, says Do Not Feed the Animals?”
“I bet it wadn’t the animals put that sign there,” I says.
“Oh, a smartass, huh?” he say, an grapped me by the collar. “Let’s see how funny you are in the lockup.”
Well, frankly, I have had enough of this shit. I mean, I am feelin so low I almost got to look up to look down, an everthin is goin wrong, an all I done was try to feed little Forrest’s pig, an this bozo is givin me a hard time, an well, that was it!
I grapped him back an lifted him up in the air. Then I spun him aroun a few times, like I remember from my rasslin days with The Professor and The Turd, an then I let him loose. He sailed in the air over a fence, kinda like a Frisbee, an landed right in the middle of the seal pool with a big splash. All the seals done jumped in the water an come rushin up to him an whoppin him with they flippers, an he is hollerin an shoutin an shakin his fist. I walked on out of the zoo an caught the bus back downtown. Sometimes a man has got to do what he has got to do.
Sombitch is lucky I didn’t thow his ass in the tiger pit.
Chapter Seven
Well, it wadn’t long before the shit hit the fan.
It seems that the bidness we had been doin with the Ayatolja was not exactly viewed in a good light by the folks on Capitol Hill, who thought that tradin arms for hostages was not such a hot idea, especially when the money we got was turned over to help the gorillas in Nicaragua. An what them congressmen had in mind was that the President, hissef, was behind the scheme, an they was out to prove it.
Colonel North done so good testifyin before the Congress the first time that they invited him back again, an this time they had a bunch of slick Philadelphia lawyers tryin to trip him up. But the colonel, now, he is pretty slick hissef, an when he is usin his tact an diplomacy, he is pretty hard to trip up.
“Colonel,” asts one of the lawyers, “what would you do if the President of the United States told you to commit a crime?”
“Well, sir,” says the colonel, “I am a marine. And marines obey the orders of their commanders-in-chief. So even if the President told me to commit a crime, what I would do is, I would salute smartly an charge up the hill.”
“Hill? What hill? Capitol Hill?”
“No, you jackass—any hill! It’s a figure of speech. We are the marines! We charge up hills for a living.”
“Oh, yeah, then how come they call you ‘jarheads’?”
“I kill you, you sombitch—I rip your head off, an spit down your neck!”
“Please, Colonel, don’t let us be vulgar. Violence will get you nowhere. Now, Colonel, what you are tellin me is that this was not the President’s idea?”
“That’s what I am tellin you, you asshole.”
“So whose idea was it then? Was it yours?”
“Of course not, you jerk.” (The colonel’s tact an diplomacy is now gettin into full swing.)
“Then whose was it?”
“Well, it was a lot of people’s. It just sort of evolved.”
“Evolved? But there must of been a ‘Prime Mover,’ Colonel. Things of this magnitude just do not simply ‘evolve.’ ”
“Well, sir, in fact there probably was a person who thought it through the most thoroughly.”
“So this person, he would be the ‘Prime Mover’ of all these illegal schemes, is that correct?”
“I suppose you could say that.”
“And this person, was it Admiral Poindexter, the security adviser to the President of the United States?”
“That pipe-smokin butthole? Of course not. He ain’t got the sense to pour piss out of a boot, let alone be a Prime Mover.”
“Then, can you tell us, sir, who was it?”
“Why, yessir, I can. It was Private Forrest Gump.”
“Who?”
“Gump, sir, PFC Forrest Gump, who has been a special assistant to the President for covert activities. It was all his idea.”
At this, all the lawyers an senators got into a huddle an begun to whisper an wave they hands an nod they heads.
So that’s how I got dragged into the mess.
Next thing I knowed, two goons in trenchcoats come up to my crate in Lafayette Park in the middle of the night an start bangin on the top. When I crawled out to see what was goin on, one of em shoved a paper in my hand, say I got to appear in the mornin before the Special Senate Committee to Investigate the Iran-Contra Scandal.
“An, I suggest you get that uniform pressed before you get there,” one of the goons says, “because your big ass is in a heap of trouble.”
Well, I didn’t know what to do next. It was too late to wake up Colonel North, who I figgered would have it all thought out with his tact an diplomacy, so I wandered aroun the city for a while an finally wound up at the Lincoln Memorial. The lights was shinin down on the big ole feller, all done up in his marble statue an lookin kinda sad, an a mist was blowin in off the Potomac River, an it had begun to drizzle a little rain. I was feelin pretty sorry for mysef, when lo an behole, out of the mist I seen Jenny sort of walkin toward me!