"Well, Gump, that is an improvement if I do say so," the colonel says. "Now, look here, I want your ass spit-an-polish from now on in. If it's necessary, I want you to even spit-shine your asshole—you got that?"
"Right, Colonel," I say.
"And now," he says, "I am gonna confer on you the title of 'special assistant for covert operations.' But you ain't to tell anybody anything about any of this—no matter what. Right?"
"Right, Colonel," I says.
"Listen, Gump," says Colonel North when we get inside the White House, "we are going to see the President of the United States, so I want you to be on your best behavior—you got that straight?"
"I already seen him," I says.
"When? On TV or something?"
"Right here—about eight or ten years ago."
"Yeah, well, they got a new president now. You ain't met this one yet—An he don't hear too good, either, so you got to speak up if he says something to you. An for that matter," Colonel North adds, "he don't listen too well, either."
We gone on into the little round room where the President was, an sure enough, it was not neither of the ole presidents I had met, but a new one this time. He was a older, kindly gentleman with little rosy cheeks an look like he might of been a cowboy at some point, or maybe a movie actor.
"Well, Mr. Gump, I am proud to make your acquaintance," the President says. "Colonel North, here, tells me you won the Congressional Medal of Honor."
"Yessir," I says.
"And what did you do to get it?"
"I runned."
"Beg your pardon?" says the President.
"He said he ran, sir," Colonel North interrupted, "but he didn't tell you he ran carryin five or six of his wounded buddies out of the line of fire."
"Well, Colonel, there you go again," say the President, "putting words in people's mouths."
"Sorry, sir," says the colonel. "I was just trying to clarify matters. Put them in a proper perspective."
"You leave that to me," the President say. "That is my job, not yours—By the way, Colonel North, have we met before?"
Anyway, we finally got on down to bidness. In a corner of the room is a TV set, an the President, he has been watchin Concentration.
"Why don't you turn that shit off, Colonel," the President says. "It confuses me."
"Right, sir," says the colonel. "Personally, I prefer The Price Is Right, myself."
"Last time I was here," I says, tryin to get in the conversation, "the President, he sometimes watched To Tell the Truth. But that was a long time ago."
"I ain't too fond of that one," Colonel North says.
"Listen," says the President, "we ain't got time to screw around talkin about TV shows. Just what you got on your mind, Ollie?"
"That sombitch the Ayatolja of Iran," he says. "We is fixin to make a fool of him an get back our hostages, too, and while we are at it, we gonna do in them communist jackoffs in Central America, as well. It is the scheme of a lifetime, Mr. President!"
"Yeah? How you gonna do all that, Ollie?"
"Well," say the colonel, "all it takes is a little tact and diplomacy—Now, here is my plan..."
For the next few hours the colonel he explainin his scheme to the President. Once or twice the President dozed off, an the colonel had to stop an wake him up by ticklin his nose with a feather he kept in his uniform pocket for that purpose. I did not foller much of Colonel North's stuff, account of everthin seemed to depend on everthin else an they was a bunch of names thowed out that was just about unpronounceable. When he was finished, I didn't understand any more about what we is sposed to do than when he started, but I figgered the President did.
"Yeah, Ollie, that all sounds pretty good to me, whatever it was, but let me ask you this: What is the Ayatolja of Iran got to do with it?" the President says.
"Huh?" say the colonel. "Why, the Ayatolja is the plan! Don't you see—arms for hostages! An then we use the money they pay us to finance the gorillas fighting in Nicaragua! It couldn't be neater, Mr. President!"
Me, I was wonderin why the gorillas in Nicaragua was fightin, an it reminded me of ole Sue.
Poor ole Sue.
"Well," says the President, "it all sounds kinda fishy to me—but if you say so, Ollie—But just remember—no arms for hostages, per se—you know what I mean?"
"It will make you a great national hero, sir," the colonel says.
"One other thing I don't understand," says the President, "is what is Mr. Gump's role in all this?"
"Well, Mr. President," the colonel answers, "I believe that the two greatest enemies of all Americans are ignorance and apathy, and Private Gump is living proof that these can be overcome. He will be a great asset to us."
The President looked kinda puzzled an turned to me. "What'd he say? Somethin about ignorance and apathy, wadn't it?"
"I don't know, an I don't give a shit," I says.
At this, the President scratch his head an get up an turns on the TV set again.
"Whatever you want to do, Ollie," he says, "but now I got to watch Let's Make a Deal."
"Yes, that's a fine show, Mr. President."
"The one I really liked was Queen For a Day, but it don't come on no more," the President says, lookin kinda sad.
"You just leave it to me and Private Gump, here, Mr. President. I assure you, we will reflect great credit on you and this office."
But the President, he seem like he ain't really listenin. He is watchin Let's Make a Deal.
Anyhow, after all that I gone on back to Lafayette Park with Colonel North an am wonderin what to do about Lieutenant Dan an Wanda, account of I can't leave em there alone. The colonel, he has figgered out a plan for Dan, say he is gonna have him committed to Walter Reed Hospital for "observation," an ain't no time goes by but what a big ambulance pulls up an hauls Lieutenant Dan off.
Wanda, Colonel North says, is gonna have a temporary home at the "National Zoo."
"She will be 'exhibit B,' " he says, "in case we get arrested."
"Arrested for what?" I ast.
"Well, Gump, you never know," the colonel says.
Meantime, I tole the colonel I gotta go see little Forrest afore we go flyin off all over the world, an he says I can use "Air Force One" to do it, account of the President, he says, "that sombitch ain't goin nowhere today anyhow."
Comin into Mobile on Air Force One is not like arrivin on a regular plane. They have got a brass band to welcome me an a limousine to drive me around, an when I get to Mrs. Curran's house, they is a lot of people hangin around in the yard. Mrs. Curran come out to greet me, but I can see little Forrest standin behind the screen door, kinda like he don't want to see me. When I gone inside, I found out this was true.
"I told you, you had to check the pressure valve at least twice a day, din't I?" was the first thing he said.
"Yup," I says. "An you shore was right."
"Yeah, I know, cause you ruined everything. We could of been millionaires. And now we're broke, I suppose."
"That's about the size of it, son."