When I come back with the bucket, everbody be holdin they nose an fannin the air, but we gone ahead an mixed up some dirt with the sewage an slapped it over our American flag. Dan remarks that if we are caught, we will now probly be shot for spies. Anyhow, we all got back in the tank an Sergeant Kranz give Sue the slop bucket, with some fresh slop, in case the mud wears off an we have to do it again.
So, off we go. We drove around some more, an our disguise seems to be workin. People might look up when we go by, but other than that, they don't take much notice. Finally we come to a fillin station, looks like ain't nobody home. Dan says for me an Sergeant Kranz to go see if they got any diesel fuel. We get out but ain't got three steps when all sorts of commotion begins. Jeeps an armored vehicles suddenly begun roarin down the streets from all directions an slam to a stop right across from us. Me an Sergeant Kranz crouched down behind a garbage bin to wait an see what's goin on.
Presently, from one of the armored vehicles a man come out, got a big bushy mustache an is wearin a green fatigue uniform an a little red beret. Everbody be sort of kowtowin to him.
"Sombitch!" whispers Sergeant Kranz. "That's Saddamn Hussein hissef!"
I squinted over, an sure enough, it look like all the pitchers I seen of him.
At first, he don't seem to take no notice of us, an begun walkin into a buildin, when all of a sudden, he stops an spins around an does sort of a double take at our tank. Suddenly, all the A-rabs around Saddamn Hussein begun wavin automatic weapons an come rushin over an surround the tank. One of em gets up on top an knocks on the hatch. I guess Dan an Sue done thought it was us, cause they opened the hatch an found themsefs starin at about two-dozen gun barrels.
The A-rabs drag them down from the tank an stand them up against a wall with their hands in the air. Actually, since Dan has took off his artificial legs he, of course, has to sit.
Saddamn Hussein stands in front of them with his hands on his hips, an begun laughin to his guards an flunkies.
"See," he says, "I tole you you ain't got nothin to fear from these American soldiers! Look what we got here drivin one of their best tanks—one's a cripple an the other guy's so fuckin ugly he almost looks like a ape!"
At this, Sue get a pained look on his face.
"Well," Saddamn say, "since they ain't no identification on your tank, you must be spies—Give em a cigarette, boys, an see if they got any last words to say."
Seems that things are lookin pretty bleak, an Sergeant Kranz an me, we can't figger out what to do next. Ain't no sense in us tryin to rush the guards, account of they is so many of them we would just be shot down. Can't get back in the tank, neither, cause they are guardin it as well. Can't even run away, cause it'd be cowardly, an besides, where'd we run away to?
By now, Dan is smokin his last cigarette an Sue begun to take his apart an eat it. I guess he is figgerin it for a last meal. Anyhow, all of a sudden ole Saddamn turns around an goes up to our tank an climbs in. Few minutes later, he come out again an hollers for the guards to bring Dan an Sue over to him. Next thing you know, all three of em are inside the tank.
Turns out, ole Saddamn ain't never been in a modern tank before, an don't understand how it works, an so he has decided to give Dan an Sue a reprieve, at least until they can show him how to run the tank.
They is down inside it for a little bit, an then the tank suddenly starts up. Slowly, the turret begun to turn around, an the barrel of the big ole cannon begun to depress till it was sort of lookin right in the faces of the guards. The guards got kind of funny expressions on an begun chatterin to theyselfs, when Saddamn's voice come over the tank's loudspeaker, tellin the guards to lay down they automatic weapons an put they hands up. They done as they was tole, an as soon as they did, ole Sue pop up out of the hatch an motion for me an Sergeant Kranz to hurry over an get in the tank. Soon as we had, ole Sue lifted up the slop bucket an thowed the whole load of shit right in the guards' faces, an we took off at top speed. In the dust behind us, we could see the guards all gaggin an flailin aroun an holdin they noses. Inside the tank, Dan is drivin with one hand an holdin a pistol to Saddamn Hussein's head with the other.
"Forrest," he says, handin me the pistol, "take over an keep this sombitch covered. An if he makes any false moves, blow his ass away."
Saddamn Hussein is one unhappy bastid, an he is cussin an cryin an callin up to his Allah.
"We got to get us some damn gas or this whole scheme is gonna be foiled," Dan says.
"What scheme?" I ast.
"To deliver this goddamn sand wog back to General Scheisskopf so's he can thow him under the jail—or even better, line his ass up against the wall like he did to us."
By this time Saddamn Hussein is got his hands folded together an is tryin to get down on the floor of the tank an is prayin an beggin us for mercy an all that kind of shit.
"Make him be quiet," Dan says. "He is disturbin my concentration. Besides," he says, "the bastid is stingy. When I asked him if I could have a last meal of some fried oysters, he claimed he didn't have any. Whoever heard of a man that runs a whole country couldn't get himself some oysters if he wanted to?"
Just about then, Dan slams on the brakes of the tank.
"Here's a damn BP station," he says, an starts backin the tank around to one of the pumps. A A-rab guy comes out to see what's goin on, an Sergeant Kranz pops out of the hatch an motions for him to fill up our tank. The A-rab guy is shakin his head an chatterin away an trying to wave us off when I snatched up Saddamn Hussein an lifted his head out of the hatch, too, with the pistol still pointed at it.
At this, the A-rab guy shut up an got a kind of astonished look on his face. Saddamn Hussein is now sort of grinnin an pleadin, an this time when Sergeant Kranz motions for the A-rab to fill up the tank, he does what he is tole.
Meantime, Dan says we got to get a better disguise for the tank, account of we is gonna have to drive back through the whole damn A-rab army, which is headed this way. He suggests we go find a Iraqi flag an tie it on our radio antenna, which is not hard to do, since there is about one billion Iraqi flags draped all over Baghdad.
So that's what we done. With me, Lieutenant Dan, Sue, Sergeant Kranz, an Saddamn Hussein tucked away inside the tank, we headed off to find our way home, so to speak.
One good thing about the desert is that it is flat. It is also hot, an with five people inside the tank it is even hotter. Everbody was sort of complainin about this when all of a sudden we got somethin else to complain about, namely the whole damn A-rab army appeared on the horizon, headed right for us.
"What we gonna do now?" Sergeant Kranz ast.
"Fake it," Dan says.
"How you gonna do that?" I ast.
"Just watch me an marvel," says Lieutenant Dan.
He keeps headin the tank toward the whole damn A-rab army until I think he means to smash into it an get us kilt. But that is not Dan's plan. Just about the time we are fixin to collide with the A-rab tanks, Dan slams on the brakes an wheels our tank around like we was joinin the A-rabs. I reckon they are so scared from whatever it was General Scheisskopf had done to them, they ain't worrin none about us. Anyhow, soon as we got in line with the A-rab tanks, Dan pulls on the throttle an slows us down, so that the A-rabs go on past an we are finally left settin in the desert all alone.
"Now," Dan says, pointin at Saddamn Hussein, "let's get this Kuwait-invadin bastid to higher headquarters."
From there on, it seemed like smooth sailin, at least till we got near our own lines. Then Dan say it is time to "reveal ourselfs." He stopped the tank an tole me an Sergeant Kranz to go out an get rid of the Iraqi flag an scrape the mud off the American flag on the side of the tank—so that's what we done. And let me say this: It was the first time in all the mud scrapin I had done that I actually felt like I was accomplishin somethin. Turns out, it was the last time, too.