Fashion designers aren’t the only people who resent other people in their own industry. You also see massive contempt among peers in architecture.
I learned a fair amount about architecture when I was associate dean of Parsons and was charged with restoring the school’s defunct Interior Design Department. It had a rich history at the college, but in the sixties a decision was made to close it down. The belief at the time was that, given all the upheaval in the country—the assassination of President Kennedy, difficulties in Cuba, the brewing war in Vietnam—it wasn’t socially responsible to teach students how to design apartments for the rich.
Well, given that interior design was the largest academic program at the school at that time, the enrollment in the whole school collapsed, the Board of Trustees resigned en masse, and ultimately, owing to a financial crisis, it had to combine with the New School for Social Research.
To bring back the program, I met with countless people in the industry, including members of venerable old firms. Most of the famous designers I spoke with were known for classic, traditional interiors. Their clients have antiques and Old Master paintings and zillions of dollars with which to outfit their apartments on Fifth Avenue. And even though these high-end designers have a lot in common, they talk trash about one another to no end.
I mentioned one popular name to another well-known designer, and she flew into a rage: “He thinks he can put a glass coffee table in the middle of a traditional room and call it something special! I can use a glass coffee table, too!”
I found it scary how incensed these well-heeled people could get about a coffee table.
Architects are even worse! They tend to look down on interior designers. One architect I know said, “Interior designers are to architects as flight attendants are to pilots.” By contrast, interior designers often decry architects, because much of a designer’s job is fixing mistakes made by architects. We all have odd architectural features in our homes, like the closet door you can’t open if the front door is open. Interior designers pride themselves on coming up with clever fixes for such awkward corners.
At the Council of Fashion Designers of America dinners, it’s a big huggy, kissy meet and greet, but make no mistake: these people are cutthroat. Even the supportive Michael Kors loves to read the bad reviews in Women’s Wear Dailyout loud to entertain us on set. I couldn’t help but notice when he had less-than-stellar reviews one year he skipped that issue.
The upside is that this level of jealousy helps make the industry more competitive, which I believe is ultimately good for the quality of work that’s produced. You do need to be careful, though, if you present any kind of threat to a fashion or interior designer or an architect. Don’t go down a dark alley with anyone in the design world who might envy you.
Niceties Are Nice
IS CHIVALRY DEAD? I hope not, but I am always discouraged when I hear people complain about “old-fashioned” acts of politeness. For example, I have heard women complain about men holding doors for them, as if it is inherently offensive and implies that they are weak.
How outrageous is that? I hold doors for women, and I also hold them for men. When I’m at Macy’s, I don’t let the door slam behind me when I walk through. It has nothing to do with gender. I would hold a door for anyone.
Would I hold the door for a dog? Okay, maybe not, because a dog shouldn’t be at Macy’s, but otherwise, yes! It has to do with noticing our fellow human beings and saying, “I recognize that you’re on this planet, and I don’t want a door hitting you in the face.”
That said, I did once have a terrible door-holding experience at D’Agostino’s supermarket in the Upper East Side’s Yorkville area, where I lived for seven years. This little old lady was trying to leave the store and was having the hardest time with the door. She kept pushing, pushing, pushing. To help her out, I pushed the door open for her. Well, she fell flat on her face on the pavement. We had to call an ambulance. I thought, That’s where politeness will get you; I caused this by trying to help.It was horrible. I try to do a nice thing for her … and I end up putting her in the hospital.
I learned a lesson from that. It’s important not to be overzealous in helping. Since then, faced with a similar situation, I broach the topic first. I say, “May I help you?” Then, assuming the little old lady says yes, I push the door open. To date, I am proud to say, I haven’t put any more senior citizens in the ER.
If I’ve made errors of overaction, at least I am not guilty of letting opportunities to be decent pass by. Honestly, I don’t understand how people can navigate the world and pretend no one else exists, like people who have big backpacks and yet barrel through narrow aisles. I don’t mind if people have huge bags, but what’s wrong with “Excuse me”? Why don’t they take the bag off their shoulder when they’re on the subway and put it on the floor?
Treating others nicely is such an easy thing to do, and it makes other people so happy. You’ll see people’s eyes light up—mine, at least—when someone smiles and says a genuine thank-you to a Starbucks barista, or asks, “Is this bag in your way?” when they have a huge suitcase on public transportation.
The other day at the grocery store, I needed a lemon, and there was no way to get to it through the throng of shopping carts, so I did my other shopping in the store and then came back. Instantly, other shoppers who were picking up fruit boxed me in with their carts. I thought: I’m not in a hurry. I can wait for these carts to move.
So I waited patiently for the carts to part. I waited … and waited. I was clearly there waiting, but the woman next to me just didn’t move. When I finally asked her, “Could you please move so I might get out?” she glared at me with a look of annoyance, as if I were ruining her shopping trip.
I thought: It’s a good thing I’m not an axe murderer.
Really, people who act like they’re the only ones on the planet are taking their lives in their hands each and every day. What if the person they wall in at the grocery store or bump with their backpack on the bus isn’t a mild-mannered pacifist like me? You hear all the time about road rage landing people in the hospital. Bad behavior isn’t only rude—it’s also dangerous.
YOU HAVE PRECIOUS FEW moments to make a first impression. It must be positive. One can lose out so quickly by not making eye contact, not emoting, not having a firm handshake, or not shaking hands at all.
Whatever the outcome of the meeting, at least you can say, “I did my best. I pulled off my end of this thing.”
There is no excuse not to reply when someone speaks to you. I say “Good morning” to the doorman in our building every day, and he never even looks up. If I ask him a question, he mumbles unintelligibly. I see him on the sidewalk talking to friends, engaged in an animated conversation, so I know he’s capable of talking. He just seems to be completely withdrawn around people he doesn’t know well.
I hear this a lot as an excuse for why people don’t take chances or don’t succeed in getting the job they want or the relationship they desire: “I’m so shy. I get very nervous.”
“I’m shy by nature!” I say. “I’m withdrawn. You have to learn how to engage. If I did, anyone can.”
Remember, I was so scared before my first day of teaching that I threw up! I still went into that classroom. And if I hadn’t, I probably wouldn’t be writing this book now.