IF THERE’S ONE SITUATION in which good behavior should be easy, it’s following the birth of a child. New babies are typically the source of extreme happiness all around, so I’m always shocked when people behave badly toward new parents. The appropriate thing to do is to send a note of congratulations, in which you offer to help in any way you can, and ideally a small gift for the child as well. And yet, my friends with young children say it is rare that people follow this protocol. With couples unsuccessfully trying to conceive I can speculate that there could be a jealousy among some friends, but they’re the only ones whose reluctance to celebrate makes sense to me.
Also, for friends who are a bit immature, maybe the baby poses a threat. Having that baby means the parents are really cemented to their nuclear family. Friends whom the couple has coddled may think, You can’t have a baby! I’m your baby!
But no matter what qualms you might have, it’s important to suck it up and send that note of congratulations. New parents often feel very alone and very tired. They need a little cheerleading from the people who love them.
So how about visiting? If you’re lucky enough to be invited to see a new baby, be sure to bring food for the sleepy new parents, and don’t stay long. Also, do whatever you’re asked. For example, germs can be very scary for new parents, and you may be asked to wash your hands before holding the baby. Aunts and grandmothers often think, Wash what? Give me that baby!Just do whatever will make the parents most comfortable, even if that means scrubbing down as if you’re preparing for surgery.
The parents can facilitate this, though. What about walking around with wet wipes? You’re making good hygiene easy. It’s not a blockade around the baby, but it’s a moat. Antibacterial wipes are the drawbridge, as in: “Would you like to hold the baby? Yes? Great! Have a Wet One!”
Breast-feeding in public is a really hot topic right now. On one hand, you have activists who say you should never cover up, ever—nurse loud, nurse proud! Others say you should never leave the house—and, by the way, keep the blinds down!
I was breast-fed. My younger sister, Kim, was not. Between 1953 and 1956, the pediatrician went from encouraging breast-feeding to saying, “We don’t do this anymore.” And now, of course, it’s back in vogue. It seems to me that there are ways of nursing comfortably and whenever necessary while still staying fairly discreet. As long as we’re encouraging women to breast-feed, we should make sure we support them in the practice.
I once had a coworker who was pumping all the time. Often I wished she had the baby with her. I know she and the baby missed each other, and from my perspective babies are a lot more fun to have around than machinery. Workplaces seem to be evolving in such a way that families are taken into account more, and I think that’s certainly the future.
NOW LET’S TALK ABOUT the manners around one of the most enjoyable social graces: gift giving. Giving gifts is so much fun. There’s a thrill in choosing an item you think someone will enjoy. A lot of work goes into getting and sending a present. There’s the cost of the gift, sure, but also the wrapping, the ribbon, the card, and the horrible line at the post office.
My niece, Wallace, and I tried to convince everyone in our family to do Secret Santa or some other gift-giving game that would allow us to buy only one or two presents rather than the dozens the family now seems to expect.
“I like getting lots of presents for people,” my mother said. “I’m an old lady. I can do whatever I want!”
“Okay,” Wallace said, “then how about a theme? Like next year the gift theme could be cheese. It doesn’t have to be a big hunk of Edam. It could be cheesy,like Valley of the Dolls.” Wallace and I were thrilled with ourselves for having come up with that.
The family didn’t go for that, either.
I forget how sensitive people are on the subject of presents. I joked on a Lifetime holiday promo about how homemade gifts say “love” and also say “cheapskate.”
Well, there was an outcry on the message boards over that. One person wrote, “Your commercial in affect [ sic] was insulting and DEMEANING to those of us who hold the welfare of our loved ones above the commercialism of the season.”
I received a similarly angry letter from a viewer about how, because of hard times, the family was making fudge for presents rather than shopping. She felt I’d belittled that choice.
I felt horrible. I wrote the letter writer a note apologizing for having been so flippant. And I really did feel sorry. But I also thought, It was a joke.And I think people should own their situation, whatever it is. There’s no shame in being a cheapskate when you’re poor. I think she could have written a note with her gift saying, “Fudge says love, and it says we’re broke. Here you go. Love you!” I would love to get fudge, especially with a cute note like that.
Anyway, whether you get or make a present for someone, you want to have the gift appreciated, or at least acknowledged. When there is no reaction—no thank-you card, no e-mail, no phone call—you start to wonder whether it even arrived. It’s like throwing gifts into a big black hole.
I have a friend who sends her nieces and nephews gifts every year for Christmas and then hears … nothing. No note, no call—not from them, not from their parents.
My advice? Cut them off. If people don’t even acknowledge your gifts, you have to assume they don’t like them and don’t want any more. When people don’t communicate with you, you can only go by their actions, and if their actions are to give no indication that they want you to keep doing what you’re doing, you might as well stop.
When Christmas morning arrives and they look for that box among the piles, maybe they’ll realize that their silence has had an effect. How great would it be to be a fly on the wall in that house?
“Where is it?” you can imagine them asking.
Where is it? You never noticed when it came—how it is you notice when it doesn’t?
My mother reached that point with a relative. She never heard a word after the gifts stopped, and she was sorry she hadn’t stopped sooner.
At the same time, giving people something you know they’re going to love is thrilling, and when it’s acknowledged it makes you closer to that person. Thank-you cards are an opportunity to tell the giver how happy you are to be considered, and to tell them how much they mean to you. It’s a lovely part of social life.
Alas, I am afraid the thank-you note and even the ritual of gift giving are on the outs these days. I’ve heard of these things called “no-gift parties”—wedding invitations that say things like “No presents, please,” or funerals that request that mourners donate to a charity instead of sending flowers.
I’m just baffled. Why would you want to derail people who have a good impulse? Don’t people who are getting married need things? Charity should be part of the whole year. Everyone should give back. But weddings, like birthdays, should be a really special occasion. If there are no presents, why bother having a party? You can see your friends anytime.
Children especially need to receive presents. Not only do they want them—and why shouldn’t they—but presents are good for them. When they open presents in front of people, they learn how to be gracious, even when they get something they don’t want or when they get two of the same thing. (Not that there’s much chance of that these days—there are so many different kinds of toys now. I was looking at the Toys “R” Us catalogue. There were four pages of Legos. My inner child almost fainted.)