She too gazed at me voluptuously. My appearance was not lost upon her, as her movements as she lectured me shew.
"Come here," she said, at its conclusion, putting her legs apart as I advanced.
And for my part, as I have hinted, Mademoiselle's appearance was not lost upon me; it was ravishing, and gradually as I stood meekly before her, it obliterated my tender recollections and thoughts of Maud and the sensation of the embrace which still lingered so vividly that I could have almost believed it still endured.
"Come here," said Mademoiselle, moving voluptuously, in her low musical voice, her liquid eyes resting upon me with a slight sparkle of 133
amusement in them as she observed my confusion which was increasing minute by minute.
Mademoiselle's tone had however been so severe and her attitude so angry and indignant that I feared to give the slightest indication which might lead her to imagine I felt there was any relaxation of her strictness. She had spoken to me de haut en bas, sharply and uncompromisingly. Were I to ignore all this, pay no attention to it, brush it aside, go on as though nothing had happened, and as though I was conscious of no fault and she was scolding and purposed punishing me simply pour les convenances and not from sincere displeasure, I felt that I should do for myself.
I was reassured by her direction to approach her and by the movement which accompanied it. One which I intuitively knew presaged my having to make amends to a very sensitive part of her exquisite frame-a part which had evidently been tickled and much excited by the occurrence upstairs in Maud's bedroom.
Anything, any little thing of this kind I could do to please and propitiate Mademoiselle, I was only too eager to execute, congratulating myself that it was no worse. And fatigued as I was by the experiences of that day-sore from the frequent castigations of Elise, sore and my bottom and thighs waled by the merciless thrashing Mademoiselle had administered on the spot with her riding whip-still I felt my passions and emotions welling up within me as I watched my beautiful governess, and as a consciousness of my absolute nakedness before her and of the offence with which I was charged stole over me.
Elise had been sent for me to Maud's room. Poor Maud had been for some time suffering very much from the cramped position and the tightness with which we had been buckled together. What my physical sensations would have been had not the anguish I was suffering from the whip prevented my adverting to them I do not know. My wrists were strapped to Maud's wrists, my ankles to hers. We were back to back, and there was a heavy strap buckled tightly round our waists keeping us in close and exciting contact with each other.
We had been strapped together as Maud lay writhing on the floor, having just had her bottom waled, as I had had mine by Mademoiselle; and hers being more tender, no doubt the infliction had been proportionally more severe.
We made several attempts to rise, which were all unsuccessful, and resulted only in our rolling over each other.
Maud, I must say, was very generous. When her bitter tears ceased to flow and the acuteness of her pain passed away, she did not reproach me as I almost dreaded she would. I felt that it had been to some extent my fault. For although she had obliged me to place Mons. Priapus into her wet, warm, burning moustached mouth, yet when I encountered the obstacle, she had bidden me desist, although her eyes swam and were kindled by what I now knew to be desire and her cheeks burned with the rosiest, loveliest blushes. I had not desisted. I had not heeded her in the smallest degree. I had, on the contrary, thrown myself upon her with animal rage and fury, driving all before it, had torn open her delicate body and deluged her internally with the essence of myself. I felt aghast when I contemplated my deed. I felt it was kind and generous of her not to reproach me.
She was very anxious about the consequences.
"Beatrice had forbidden me to be a model for your Apollo," said I.
"What can Bee know?" answered Maud. "Even I do not know why all this fuss is made. Of course I know it was very dreadful your putting that terrible thing of yours into-into me-where-where you did." I could feel her flush as she said this. "And then it went into such a fit, such throbs, like a steam engine. I could feel it to my finger tips-to the tips of my ears. Oh, Julian, it was nice! And really, I believe, because it was so naughty. And then it shot out some delicious wet that was like balm to a sore place. Oh, to think of it! Oh, how nice! Still, was it dirty? I suppose that is why Mademoiselle had me syringed so quickly before it could poison my blood or anything. But I do not see why they should make such a fuss about it. Mademoiselle does many worse things herself, as she must know I am aware. If you had not torn me open, you bad boy, they would never have found out. It was the blood that betrayed us. But I do not feel at all sore. In fact-in fact-oh, Julian, do you know, I should really like you to do it again. I feel I want it. I wonder whether there will ever be a chance?"
I was amazed at Maud's ignorance, and amused too; pluming myself on my superior knowledge. She spoke slowly, a sentence at a time, and I did not interrupt her, for I wished to ascertain exactly what she knew and I learnt she knew nothing! I was bursting with anxiety to impart my knowledge but I held my tongue until she had quite finished. Then I said, "Don't you know, Maud, I should have been a model for a living Apollo."
"Whatever do you mean, Julian?"
"Why, that is how babies are made!"
"How babies are made!" she cried. "Nonsense! How do you know?"
"Mademoiselle told me."
"Told you! Did-did you do it to her?" Maud's tone suddenly changed towards me as she asked this question. Had I answered in the affirmative I was convinced she would have been so jealous, that for a time, at any rate, she would have had nothing to do with me. Fortunately, I was able to answer: "No."
All the years that have elapsed since the period I am speaking of, have failed to teach me the reason of this desire in each individual woman to exclusively possess all the men whom she favours. My petticoats, my being so long treated as a female, my experiences with Lord Alfred 136
Ridlington in the conservatory have given me a great insight into the mystery of female feelings, into the sensations of a woman when bestowing her choicest favours. And what I have yet to relate has deepened this insight. But although I can understand her coveting exclusive possession, I have never been able to regard it as reasonable.
"No," repeated Maud. "Then how can you know? Do you mean Mademoiselle told you in so many words? She can never have had the face to do that!"
I was on the point of saying like a fool that I had longed to do it to Mademoiselle and so found out, but I stopped in time.
"She gave me a psychological lesson and I discovered it incidentally," I said with as much nonchalance as possible.
"And what can Beatrice have meant about the Apollo? You and Bee were chums from the first. She must know."
I confess I felt very much puzzled myself as to what Beatrice knew and the real reason for the promise she had so pertinaciously extracted from me. I recollected also that I was bound on parole to Beatrice for five years and it struck me that if she discovered what had occurred between Maud and me it would be excessively awkward for me. She would, no doubt, regard it as a breach of allegiance to her for I knew that I had for a time given myself to Maud as completely as a man can give himself to anyone and yet I was not my own to give.
These reflections seriously increased my discomfort. It was bad enough to find myself absolutely in Mademoiselle's hands and I was far from pleased at the prospect of a score to settle with Beatrice as well. Strange to say I felt more disturbance on her account than on Mademoiselle's, and I explain the fact by Beatrice's possessing much more control over my spiritual being than Mademoiselle, the confines of whose sway were my animal existence.