And I know, too, there are some women who love to be outraged, who care only for "the ponderous weight of the steer, rushing to enjoyment." However, with Lord Alfred Ridlington, I felt it would be the greatest blunder I could commit and so I made no advances.
He held my hand imprisoned in both his. What soft, plump hands they were, for a man's! He looked at me.
"Julia," he said, tenderly, "you remember that happy evening in the conservatory?"
"Yes," I answered, affecting to wonder what was coming next.
I suppose there was a tell-tale tone about the monosyllable, for he bent over and warmly kissed my lips-a very different kind of kiss from that which he had in sport given me in the drawing room.
"Oh!" cried I. "Lord Alfred, you really must not."
And I grew hot all over, and red in the face.
"I love to make the roses bloom," said he.
And he gave me a second kiss.
How warm, how soft, how clinging his lips were! Their contact was like nectar to a thirsty soul! They thrilled me through and through. I felt a disturbance about the centre of my lap. Good gracious, if he should observe anything there!
"Julia," he pleaded, "kiss me back!"
I looked at him coyly and archly.
"Will you not love me one little bit?" he added. "I love you so much!"
His eyes rested on mine and shone with the strong but soft and subdued light of one in love; they were moist, and their lids drooped over them.
"Do you?" I said, innocently. "Well, then, if I must."
And I put my mouth up.
"You dear girl!" he cried, in a transport, throwing his arms about me and raining a perfect shower of kisses upon my lips, my eyes, my brow, my cheeks, and my lips again.
I yielded to the embrace. I was glad I had made no blunder.
I kissed his lips in return; and I must acknowledge that, catching fire from him, I inserted my dainty little tongue into his mouth in search of-
"Oh! Oh! Oh!" he cried, in ecstasy.
"Does that give you pleasure?" I asked, coquettishly, my maidenly reserve fast thawing and vanishing like a patch of snow that has lingered too long on some Alp below the snow line when the surprised sun espies it.
His hand slipped down to my feet.
A terrible dread came over me. Suppose, after all, Mademoiselle was wrong; suppose I was not an hermaphrodite; suppose I was altogether a boy!
I should be cheated of the happiness which seemed within my grasp; the cup of which I had already tasted the sweetness by anticipation would be dashed from my lips. I should be as disappointed-and more so, than that unfortunate child whom I could never forget, when Mademoiselle had so heartlessly refused to incarnate.
And yet-to become a mother! Should I become a mother?
I recollected I had wondered what I should do. I had wondered-when I had believed myself altogether a boy-what I should do with Lord Alfred Ridlington if he made hot love to me as there seemed every probability that he would.
Beatrice was to be my wife. Yet, how could I be another man's wife if I was to be somebody's husband? Beatrice must be in the dark. The reflection was a slight cloud upon my happiness.
He slipped his hand underneath my petticoats and I lay back across his other arm. He travelled upwards, and caressed my limbs. For a moment he played with Mons. Priapus, then his hand slipped to my back.
"Oh, Alfred, Alfred!" I cried. "Don't, don't!"
"Does it hurt?" he asked.
"Yes! Oh, yes! No, it-doesn't hurt-but don't put your hand there-it makes me so ashamed," and I hid my face in his bosom.
"You," he continued, "are like a girl there because that thing in front you know is abnormally large," and he continued to play with my buttocks and endeavoured to insert his finger.
"You have to wear petticoats because you are really a girl, Julia. Do not be deceived about it, and," he provokingly added, "Mademoiselle has told me you are such a naughty one, and I know how dear a one! Now, Julia, I cannot take off all your clothes, my dear, here; neither can I disrobe myself-you must wait until tonight for that happiness-but we can have something now. Lie on your face, my darling."
And he turned me over on the soft cushions. I knew he was undoing his own trousers and a moment later he turned up all my petticoats and uncovered my bottom.
"Oh! Oh!" I cried, and endeavoured to turn over but he prevented this. "If I am really a girl I do not mind; on the contrary I am so glad-but I hope I am."
He did not reply. He lay down upon me and I felt his weight with rapture. He pressed his hands round my waist, got them beneath my clothes, and played with what I understood was an unnaturally overgrown clitoris.
He removed one hand to insert something behind. It felt like the tube Mademoiselle had pushed in there. It burnt me, but delightfully. In a few minutes it throbbed with violence and I felt deluged with warm moisture. My clitoris also responded.
He sank upon me without reply, for his passion was too intense, pressing me closely to him.
"Oh, Alfred! Alfred! Oh, my dear Alfred!" I gasped.
In a few minutes he said: "Again, Julia."
"If-if you like."
He made the attempt, he replaced the weapon, but he was unsuccessful in the accomplishment to the end. It did not throb. He excited me however into a second paroxysm which he appeared to delight in.
He withdrew himself, let me turn round and repose in his arms.
Presently I kissed him.
"Do you think, Alfred, do you think I shall have a-a baby?"
He smiled curiously and enquired whether I should like one.
"Above all things," I promptly answered.
He laughed. "Oh, Julia! What a confession."
"And do you know, Alfred," I continued, "I–I-really thought once-just for a short time, that you might be Lady Alfred Ridlington dressed in your husband's clothes! Wasn't that absurd?"
"Yes; what on earth put such an idea into your silly little head?" he asked, with a look of deep affection.
"Oh! I don't know except that you have such a beautiful well-formed figure which would be a credit to any girl or woman, and because Mademoiselle-"
"Well?"
"Mademoiselle said she would, when I thought I was a boy, get Lady Alfred Ridlington to discipline me because I wanted to make too much love to her. And-"
"And what more?"
"Oh! Because she said that Lady Alfred Ridlington thrashed her husband and-wore his breeches. There!" Looking curiously at him with depreciation of my own credulity.
"Indeed, I am extremely obliged to Mademoiselle," he replied. "Lady Alfred does not thrash me and does not wear my breeches. And I think I have proved to you-"
"Yes, indeed you have, that you are a dear, delicious, naughty man! Would you like to do that again?"
"Not now, dear, thank you-it would be too exhausting for you."
To my surprise before many minutes were over, I felt very "unwell." I at once knew why Mademoiselle had endeavoured to show and to teach me how to contain myself. I felt I was going to be "unwell."
Mademoiselle had injected much more into my womb than Lord Alfred had and I had had to wait twenty minutes, so that I might easily wait a little longer now. But I could not-I had no towel on-the quantity of the injection did not affect the matter. I looked terrified. He saw something was up. What could I say or do?
"Hallo, Ju!" he cried, springing up. "I declare I hear the girls' voices on the lawn, let's have some tennis-you will come and join us presently, won't you?"
"Yes," I said, looking fondly at him as he stood before me; and as, giving and receiving a kiss, he disappeared, I rushed to my room. What a narrow, what a fortunate escape!
I leisurely put my things on before the glass, a hat, a pair of tennis shoes, and changed my skirt for a tennis one. I looked at myself, and thought: "Now, Julia, thank goodness! You know you are a girl, and are, perhaps, going to have a baby."