“Xavier?” I knew he couldn’t hear me, but the expression on his face changed to one of concentration. Could he sense my presence? Could he also sense how wrong things were? He leaned forward as if to catch a sound in the air. I thought about making contact with him the way I had that day on the beach, but somehow it didn’t feel right anymore. And I wasn’t sure I could pull it off in my current state of mind.
“Hey, baby,” I began tentatively. “I’ve come to say good-bye. Something’s happened and I’m pretty sure it means I won’t be able to come and see you again. So I wanted to come one last time to tell you not to worry about me anymore. You look so tired. Don’t go to Tennessee — there’s no point now. Try to forget you ever met me. I want you to have an amazing life. You need to focus on what’s ahead of you now and let go of the past. I wouldn’t take back a single second of the time we had, but …”
“Beth,” Xavier spoke suddenly, interrupting my train of thought. “I know you’re here. I can feel you. What are you trying to tell me?” He waited a moment and then added, “Can you give me a sign like last time?”
He looked so hopeful that an idea popped into my head. I had a way of telling Xavier exactly what I wanted him to know without the need for words. The room was in semidarkness. I focused my energy and used it to throw open the drapes and saw Xavier blink as the room flooded with light.
“Good one, Beth,” he said. I drew closer to the window and blew hard on it so that a patch of glass fogged up. Then I stretched out a ghostly finger and used it to draw a heart on the windowpane. In it I simply wrote, X + B.
Xavier smiled at my handiwork.
“I love you too,” he said. “I won’t ever stop.”
My tears came in a flood then and I couldn’t stop them. If only I knew I would see him in the next life, maybe I could stand it. But I wasn’t going back to Heaven. I didn’t know where I was going. All I knew was that an eternity of nothingness awaited me.
“You have to stop loving me,” I said in between sobs. My entire body was wracked with the sorrow of giving him up. “You have to move on. If there’s any way back after death I promise I’ll find it. But only to check up on you and the extraordinary life you’ll be having.”
“There you are!” I jumped at the voice, but it was only Molly letting herself into the room. “Gabriel and Ivy are waiting outside. They want to get going. What’s the holdup?”
Xavier closed the curtains protectively over my sketch.
“I’m on my way,” he said. “I just need a minute.” Molly made no move to leave.
“Before we go, can we talk? I need some advice.”
Xavier turned his face to the window where I still stood. I knew he didn’t want me to leave. “I’m kinda busy right now, Molly. Can it wait?”
“Kinda busy staring into space? No, it can’t wait. My whole life is falling apart and you’re the only person I can talk to.”
“I thought we were fighting.”
“Build a bridge,” Molly snapped. “I need advice and nobody else will understand.”
“This is about Gabriel, right?” I noticed then that Molly’s face was tear stained. She had been crying too. The corners of her mouth quivered and her shoulders shook now that Xavier had broached the subject of my brother.
Talk to her, Xavier, I thought. Molly needs you and she’s your friend. You’re going to need your friends around you. I didn’t know whether Xavier received my silent message or the sight of Molly in tears tugged at his heartstrings, but he sat down and patted the bed beside him.
“Come on then,” he said. “Spit it out but make it quick, we don’t have much time.”
“I don’t know what to do. I know this thing with Gabriel isn’t good for me, but I can’t seem to let it go.”
“What’s stopping you?”
“I know how amazing we could be together. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t see it.”
“So you still feel the same?” Xavier asked. “Even though you know he isn’t human?”
“I always knew he was special somehow.” Molly sighed. “And now I know why. He’s not like any guy I’ve met because he’s not just a guy … he’s a freaking archangel.”
“Molly, you’ve got so many guys chasing you, you practically have to beat them off with a stick.”
“Yeah, but they’re not him. I don’t want anyone else and he doesn’t want me. There are times when I think he feels something, but then he just shuts it off.”
“You’re going to have to learn to do the same. I know it’s hard, but you have to look after yourself. Think about what you want long term. If Gabe doesn’t want to be part of your life, it’s doesn’t mean yours is over.”
“How am I ever gonna replace someone that perfect? No one will ever measure up which means my life is pretty much over at seventeen. I’ll end up like Mrs. Kratz at school — a dried-up old prune reading romance novels and supervising study hall.”
“I don’t think you’ll end up like Kratz — you need a college degree to do her job.”
“You suck at giving advice!” Molly’s face cleared as she let out a peal of laughter. Then her face became suddenly serious.
“Do you think we’ll find Beth?”
“Yes.” Xavier didn’t blink.
“How do you know for sure?”
“Because I’m not stopping until we do, that’s how. Now, are we heading to Tennessee or what?”
Before following Molly out the door Xavier moved to the window and put his palm over the outline of the heart enclosing our initials.
“I’m coming, Beth,” he murmured. “I know you’re feeling lost right now, but I want you to be strong for both of us. Just remember who you are, what you were created to do. No one can take that away from you, no matter where you are. I feel your presence with me all the time so don’t go giving up now. There’s no way I’m staying here without you. If Heaven couldn’t separate us, Hell’s got no damn chance. Hang in there. I’ll see you soon.”
When Jake returned I knew my last hope of escaping death had expired. I looked at his face as he leaned against the door frame and saw that it was whiter than parchment. He pressed his head into his hands in frustration. I waited to feel something like anger, fear, or even despair, but I felt none of those things. Maybe it was because the idea of not existing didn’t make sense in my head yet. Part of me didn’t even think it was possible. I had always existed, if not as a human on solid earth, then as an essence in Heaven. I still existed now even though I didn’t know how to define myself anymore. I couldn’t imagine no longer being able to think or feel or yearn for my family. Was it really possible that by morning I would disappear forever, lost not only to those around me, but lost to myself as well? Where would I go? I was barred from earth, not permitted back to Heaven, and not accepted in Hell. I would simply cease to exist and it would be like I never lived at all.
With a movement as quick as a tiger pouncing, Jake was by my side.
“I suppose saying I’m sorry doesn’t really cut it,” he said, looking down at me with real pain in his coal black eyes. If he had one redeeming feature it was that he genuinely didn’t want to see me go.
“I played a part,” I said numbly. “I used my powers in the wrong place.”
“I should have known you’d react that way, I should have warned you!” Jake slammed his fist into a timber post so hard that an explosion of dirt and timber fragments rained down on us from above. Jake brushed the debris from my hair and I didn’t recoil because I found myself unable to react to anything right now. I couldn’t move; it was as if I’d forgotten how.