‘We know that the house is not open to the visitors,’ the man said. He smiled even more than the girl, which is unusual. At least the girl had the grace to look embarrassed.
‘We are so sorry to bother you, we are the students of architecture,’ she explained. The man hadn’t stopped nodding and smiling. Lovely teeth, but I distrusted such a conscious effort to charm.
‘It is so beautiful!’ he said, ‘we have nothing like this in Holland. So- we don’t know, but if you might very kindly let us take a look round…’
‘- little look, only on the outside, perhaps,’ the girl said. ‘If you can bother with us so near your house.’
Rash of me. They could have been anybody, burglars, rapists. Quite apart from it being the last thing a house sitter should do, give strangers the run of a place. They could have had coshes, knives, rope, handcuffs, anything, in those saddlebags. Supposing they’d even left me alive, I would never have recognised them again, not out of those ridiculous clingy suits and helmets. So why did I let them in? It was the ‘your house’ that did it, I suppose. I suddenly felt so proud, and I swear that all of a sudden the thought came to me, if it’s my house I can do what I like. So I heard myself saying I’d be pleased to show them round my house. They didn’t stay long. I went a bit vague about dates after ‘fifteenth century origins’ (I just made that up, it sounded about right), which gave them the chance to show off and argue between themselves over when different bits might have been built. He said they were intrigued by the building materials and methods more than the design because, evidently, he said, the house was ‘provincial’ and not by a distinguished or even a known architect. I said there was more to good design than fancy London names, and they were a bit taken aback, I think, and I was too, because I hadn’t realised I thought that. They asked how long my family had lived here, and I simply told them, oh always. And would the house stay in the family? It was the man, of course, who asked that, and his girlfriend gave him a look that said of course it will and that was an impertinent question. So I said of course it will in a voice that justified her look (and as I spoke I did feel mildly though genuinely offended). I inherited the house from my parents, I told them, another thing I hadn’t realised I thought. My mother died eighteen years ago, when she was in her eighties. I nursed her for many years, I said, and now the house is mine and my son will have it after me. I have just one son, I told them, smiling. If they wondered about where my husband might be they didn’t say. Though the girl would have sneaked a look at my ringless hands and concluded I was divorced, I suppose. Women notice things like that.
When they left I saw them off at the front door and closed it after them, and I had the sense that we both, me and the house, breathed a sigh, glad to be alone together again. I thought I would just walk through the rooms once more, and it was as I was turning to go upstairs that I caught sight of myself in the hall mirror, which by then I was describing to myself as a looking-glass. I had been smiling at those two young people. I thought perhaps I had smiled because of their youth and friendliness, smiled while putting them in their place and perhaps also at their deference and respect for me, ‘the English lady’, and for their admiration of my house. Whatever the reason, my face was much improved for it. It had not smiled like that for a long time and I liked the brightness in my eyes and the lift round my mouth. My skin looked warmer and my face rounder, as if I’d been plumped up with optimism, and I had a receptive look, as if the sound of human voices, including my own, had made me newly alert.
I was still half-smiling, long after they had gone. The reason for my continuing smile lay in the remembered pleasure of the words I had spoken, talking about my son to complete strangers.
Steph was carrying this one high. There had been a growth spurt and now it lodged right under her boobs like a strapped-on sandbag and her stretchy cotton skirt rose up at the front, well above her knees. It had been some time since her cardigan closed over the swell, and now the T-shirt she wore underneath was also too small and an acreage of skin like uncooked pastry was revealed where the T-shirt failed to meet the skirt top. She had taken the ring out of her navel, which now protruded, its vulnerable flesh like private, inside skin turned indecently outwards. She pulled the T-shirt over it a hundred times a day but always her belly shifted, the T-shirt rode up again and her navel reappeared like the inquisitive pink snout of a puppy sniffing at cold air. She had no money for new clothes.
‘Cover that up, will you.’ Jace’s eyes returned to the road in front. Steph pulled the T-shirt down and shivered. The seatbelt was uncomfortably tight, although she had let it out all she could. She thought that Jace probably could adjust it more but he would need to fiddle about with the bit clamped to the wall of the car. She had asked him to, once. She had no very clear idea how advanced her pregnancy was but it was not more than six months; she was going to get bigger still, and if Jace wouldn’t adjust the seatbelt for her, then she was going to have to go without it. But she did not think it would be worth asking again. It was the least of her worries. Jace kept saying he had no money either, but he had more than her, that was for certain. They were on their way now to look at somebody’s car stereo, for God’s sake, that Jace had seen advertised in the paper. He fancied a better one, that was all, and he was ready to spend hundreds on it, so how come she had nothing to wear, and nothing for the baby, when it came? As they drove on in silence, she considered asking him again for some money. But if she did, the conversation would go like this:
I can’t help it showing. I need some new stuff to wear, don’t I? This is too small.
Better get something then, hadn’t you?
I can’t. Aw, Jace, going to buy us something? I haven’t got any money, have I?
Get your Nan to get it. She’s the one supposed to be looking after you.
Steph sighed at the wholly expected turn that the imagined conversation would take. It was true that she was still living, though Nan called it staying, at her grandmother’s house. She had told Jace several times what the score was, that it was only temporary and Nan would rather she were not there at all, but the trouble with Jace was it didn’t matter how many times you told him something, if he didn’t like it he would just keep going on about it and in exactly the same way, whatever you said. So Steph could say now, yet again: She’s not looking after me. She says I should be in my own place. She says she’s not having a baby in the house and when all’s said and done she’s got her own life to lead. But it would make no difference. Actually, as far as Steph could see her Nan did lead her own life anyway whether Steph was there or not, but Nan often made the point and Steph supposed that, as it was Nan’s house, she was entitled to make it.
She looked at Jace. He was doing three things: driving, smoking and poking his head forwards and backwards in time to the music. He would not add conversation to these, being quite absorbed already. The music was so loud you would think the drummer plus drum kit were riding along in the back of the car. Jace, if he had anything to say to her, would have to shout to be heard and what he would say would be: