But he would have to revise those calculations, because he had only managed to get six of them. And the woman was now into her twentieth minute of telling him that the vicar wasn’t here because his wife had died three weeks before Christmas and the poor man had had to go on a retreat.
‘Just yesterday, how unlucky! Poor man. I said to him, you just never know how it’s going to take you, we’re all different. We are, aren’t we? But he said he would see things through to Epiphany, that was yesterday of course, and then he would take a break. He’s finding it much more difficult than he expected, if you ask me.’
Michael smiled and said he quite understood. ‘But if perhaps you could open the case? As I explained, I’ve been looking at artefacts from this period for several years and it’s only by-’
‘I said to the parish clerk on Sunday, I said if you ask me that man is heading for a breakdown, he said oh I know, but at least he’s off for a week, off to Columba’s Lodge on the seventh and I said well I’m glad to hear it-’
‘You see, handling the figures is the only way-’
‘What? Oh, no, I am sorry, I wouldn’t be comfortable. I am churchwarden as I said, but I’m not sure I’ve got the authority. I’ve never been asked, you see, and the vicar keeps the key at the vicarage, so-. I mean if the other churchwarden was here as well, but no, he’s away, I know for a fact it’s this week. He’s in the Canaries, they always go in January. Lucky for some!’
Michael pulled his mouth into another understanding smile but doubted if he could say ‘it doesn’t matter’ without hissing, so said nothing. He wandered off down the nave, raising his eyes to the roof as if it held some interest, blinking several times to disguise the faint flickering of muscle that tugged at one side of his face whenever he got upset. Then like a familiar ache came the realisation that she was not going to finish talking and push off to leave him alone again in the church. He would have to leave first.
‘You see, it’s Jeff, you said, isn’t it, you see, Jeff, I think the vicar would say it’s not the value so much as the fragility. Do you know, nobody’s even meant to touch them without gloves? I couldn’t take it upon myself, you see. But the vicar might let you handle them, if you came back when he’s here.’
Michael pressed his eyebrows into an angle of scholarly disappointment. ‘Yes, yes, that would be marvellous, except I’m due back in Norfolk by the weekend, you see. And one does so need to examine them. The main idea for my little book revolves round certain dating uncertainties, as I said, and only close examination gets one any further forward…’
‘Oh, but we’re quite confident they’re genuine sixteenth century, because-’ Michael was too taken up with noticing how hamstery she looked to hear the details. Her hair might have been red once, and was still abundant. Twisted wires of it were held under a knitted hat and a gingery down surrounded her small mouth, which worked too quickly. Michael took a deep breath for one last effort and interrupted her to explain that his hypothesis, based on his understanding (imperfect, of course, just a little interest of his, though a publisher may be getting keen) of the religious iconography of Northern Europe, the details of which he would spare her, was that the figures might be much older.
‘They might, in fact, even be twelfth century. Though one must get them in one’s hands, you see, as the weight and density of the material is key. And a little scrape test on the base would confirm, and so on. But if I’m right, they’d be so rare you could say they were priceless. Immensely valuable.’
This had worked before. It was extraordinary how the unwillingness of some people to put their important and valuable objects into his hands could suddenly evaporate at the suggestion that a closer examination might reveal even more importance and value. But infuriatingly, inexplicably, it was not working now with Hamster Woman. Was she simple?
‘Oh my goodness! That would be something for the PCC, wouldn’t it! But oh, you should have telephoned the vicarage first, it’s too bad you’ve missed the vicar! Though to be honest I’m not sure if he’d have been up to it, he’s exhausted. It’s only four and half weeks since she finally went and such terrible timing, just in the run-up to Christmas and you can imagine Christmas nearly finished him but no, he wouldn’t bow out of a single service, he’s like that, throws himself into everything, too hard if you ask me. And oh, he did need the break, we could all see that. She was only fifty-nine and towards the end, you see, with the nursing, well. The bishop’s quite good about things like that. The new bishop I mean, the last one wasn’t quite so aware, not at the grass roots. Though as a parish, we all try to be terribly-’
‘No, well! Sadly, I didn’t know. Ah well, very sad. Another time. Well, I won’t…’
Michael was not finding the right words in the way he had once been able to, and his face was definitely ticking now. Why was it calling for greater effort each time? This part of it, the part of the whole business that should be fun, that might even in a strange way have been the point of it once, was now becoming more and more difficult. His attention tended to wander, and that was dangerous. Or perhaps, Michael considered, pulling a hand across his face, he was allowing his attention to wander because it was dangerous, because the fire he was playing with had been cooling over the course of the last few trips and a little more danger might generate a little more heat from it. Or was he just tired, tired beyond words, like the vicar, exhausted?
Michael bestowed his curatey smile on the woman once more and concentrated hard. He was not Michael, he was Jeffrey ‘everyone calls me Jeff’ Stevenson. He adjusted his voice to reveal his gratitude, his smile to show his regret, his eyes to leave her in no doubt about his sincerity. He ran it over again in his mind. He, Jeff, was a Church of England curate taking a few days’ holiday, researching his special interest in devotional objects. He was a curate; disappointed and philosophical, but (because they all were) demonstrably, quintessentially nice.
Nicely, he said, ‘It’s my own fault, I should have planned better, but sometimes it’s good to wander whither one wilt, so to speak, and just drop in. Ah well, back to Norfolk, disappointed! Unless we can prevail upon someone else…’
‘Oh, Norfolk! I’m very fond of Norfolk! So where is your church, exactly?’
Michael swallowed and tried not to stare at her with the naked hatred he was beginning to feel.
‘St Margaret’s, Burnham Norton,’ he told her, also reminding himself that today he was Jeff Stevenson of St Margaret’s, Burnham Norton, and that there was no need to panic. He could, if required, reel off the biographical details of Jeff Stevenson that he had memorised from Crockford’s Directory of the Clergy. Part of Michael’s brain now pictured the real Jeff Stevenson going about his pathetic business in Norfolk, unaware that he was being impersonated (and rather well) on the other side of the country. Michael knew that whatever the day might hold in the line of duty for Jeff Stevenson, it would include a little light comforting of the old, the lonely, the sick: jollying up, calming down, smoothing over the truth that most people’s lives stank whether there was a God or not. Michael believed that comforting was just another form of lying, which made Jeff Stevenson no better than he was.