I slept fitfully that night and had my first nightmare. I had become accustomed to the human experience of dreaming, but this was different. This time I saw myself brought before a Heavenly Tribunal, with a jury made up of faceless, heavy-robed figures. I couldn’t distinguish one from the other. Ivy and Gabriel were there, but they were looking down from a gallery. Their faces were impassive. They stared ahead and wouldn’t look at me even though I cried out to them. I was waiting for the verdict to be announced, and then I realized it had already happened. There was no one to speak for me, no one to plead my case.
The next thing I was aware of was falling. Around me, all that was familiar crumbled into dust, the columns of the courtroom, the robed figures, and finally the faces of Gabriel and Ivy. And still I fell, tumbling on an endless journey to nowhere. Then all was motionless and I was imprisoned in a void. I had dropped to my knees, my head bowed, my wings broken and bleeding. I couldn’t lift myself off the ground. The light began to fade until a suffocating darkness surrounded me, so dense that when I held my hands before my face, I couldn’t make them out. In this sepulchral world I was left alone. I saw myself as the ultimate figure of shame, an angel fallen from grace.
A shadowy figure with blurred features was approaching. At first my heart leapt with hope at the possibility that it might be Xavier come to rescue me. But any hope was dashed when I sensed instinctively that whatever it was should be feared. Despite the pain in my limbs, I crawled as far from it as possible. I tried spreading my wings but they were too damaged to comply. The figure was closer now and hovering above me. Its features materialized just enough for me to see that the smile on its face was one of ownership. There was nothing left to do but allow myself to be consumed by the shadows. This was perdition. I was lost.
By morning things seemed different, as they often do. A new feeling of stability now flooded through me.
Ivy came in to rouse me, the scent of freesias following her like handmaidens.
“Thought you could use some coffee,” she said.
“I’m developing a taste for it,” I said and sipped from the proffered cup without making a face. She sat stiffly on the edge of my bed.
“I’ve never heard Gabriel sound so angry,” I said, eager to smooth things over with her. “I’ve always thought of him as… sort of… infallible.”
“Have you ever thought that he might be under stresses of his own? If things don’t go well, he and I will assume responsibility for it.”
Her words struck me like a physical blow, and I felt the sting of tears welling.
“I don’t want to lose your good opinion.”
“You haven’t,” she reassured me. “It’s just that Gabriel wants to protect you. He wishes only to spare you from anything that might cause you pain.”
“I just can’t see how spending time with Xavier could be a bad thing. Do you really think he would hurt me?”
“Not intentionally.”
Ivy wasn’t hostile like Gabe, and when she came to take my hand, I knew she had already forgiven my transgression. But her rigid posture and the hard line of her mouth told me that her position on the matter would not change. “You must be careful not to start things you can’t continue. It wouldn’t exactly be fair, would it?”
The tears I’d been restraining came flooding then. I sat there racked with misery as Ivy put her arms around me and stroked my head.
“I’ve been stupid, haven’t I?”
I allowed the voice of reason to take over. I barely knew Xavier Woods, and I doubted he would react with a deluge of tears if he found out he couldn’t see me for whatever reason. I was behaving as if we’d sworn ourselves to each other, and suddenly it all seemed a little absurd. Maybe it was Romeo and Juliet rubbing off on me. I felt like there was a deep, unfathomable connection between Xavier and me, but maybe I was wrong. Could it be possible it was all just a figment of my imagination?
It was within my power to forget about Xavier. The question was did I want to? There was no denying that Ivy was right. We were not of this world and had no claim to it or what it could offer. I had no right to meddle in Xavier’s life. Our role was to be messengers, harbingers of hope, and nothing more.
When Ivy had gone, I fished out Xavier’s number from my pocket where it had stayed all night. I unrolled the tight wad of paper and slowly tore it into fragments the size of confetti. I went out onto my narrow balcony and threw the fragments into the air. I watched sadly as they were carried away by the wind.
10
Rebel
Ignoring Xavier’s invitation proved easier than I expected when he wasn’t at school the whole of the following week. After making a few discreet inquiries, I discovered that he was away at rowing camp. With the danger of running into him averted, I felt more relaxed. I wasn’t sure I’d have the courage to renege on the date if he were standing right in front of me, nutmeg hair fringing those limpid blue eyes. In fact, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to say anything much at all given my past attempts at conversation.
At lunchtime I sat with Molly and her friends in the quadrangle, listening halfheartedly to their litany of complaints about school, boys, and parents. Their conversations mostly followed a set pattern, and I felt I already knew the lines by heart. Today the prom was the subject of discussion — no surprise there.
“Oh my God, there’s so much to think about,” Molly said, stretching out on the asphalt like a cat. Her friends were scattered around her, some on the garden benches, their skirts hitched up to maximize the impact of the early spring sun. I sat cross-legged beside Molly, tugging at my skirt so that it modestly covered my knees.
“Oh my God, I know!” agreed Megan Judd. She repositioned her head in Hayley’s lap and pulled her top up so that her midriff was exposed to sunlight. “Last night I started making a to-do list.” Still on her back she flipped open her school planner, emblazoned with designer labels that she’d stuck on for decoration. “Get this,” she continued, reading from a dog-eared page. “Book French manicure. Look for sexy shoes. Buy clutch. Decide on jewelry. Find celebrity hairstyle to copy. Decide between Hawaiian Sunset and Champagne spray tan. Book limo. The list goes on. ..”