“The what?”
Xavier shook his head in disbelief.
“You worry me,” he muttered.
“Are you going to be in trouble?” he asked when we pulled up outside Byron. I saw that the front porch light had been left on so my escape must have been noticed.
“I don’t really care,” I said. “I had fun.”
“So did I.” The moonlight glinted briefly on the cross at his neck.
“Xavier…” I began tentatively. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Well, I’m just wondering… why did you ask me out tonight? It’s just that Molly told me about… well… about…”
“Emily?” Xavier sighed. “What about her?” A defensive note had crept into his voice. “People just can’t leave it alone, can they? That’s the thing about small towns — they get off on gossip.”
I found it difficult to meet his gaze. I felt as if I’d crossed a boundary, but I couldn’t go back.
“She said you’ve never really wanted to spend time with any other girl. So I guess I’m just curious… why me?”
“Emily wasn’t just my girlfriend,” Xavier said. “She was my best friend. We understood each other in a way that’s hard to explain, and I thought I’d never be able to replace her. But then when I met you…” He trailed off.
“Am I like her?” I asked.
Xavier laughed. “No, nothing like her. But I get the same feeling when I’m around you that I used to have with her.”
“What sort of feeling?”
“Sometimes you meet a person and you just click — you’re comfortable with them, like you’ve known them your whole life, and you don’t have to pretend to be anyone or anything.”
“Do you think Emily would mind?” I asked. “That you feel that way with me?”
Xavier smiled. “Wherever she is, Em would want me to be happy.” I knew exactly where she was but thought better about sharing this information with Xavier just then. It was bad enough that I had struggled with the seat belt and my palm was minus a life line. I thought that might be enough surprises for one evening.
We sat in silence for a few minutes, neither of us wanting to break the mood.
“Do you believe in God?” I said eventually.
“You’re the first girl to ask me that,” Xavier said. “Most people think of religion as some kind of fashion statement.”
“So you do?”
“I believe in a higher power, a spiritual energy. I think life’s too complex to be an accident, don’t you agree?”
“Absolutely,” I replied.
I stepped out of Xavier’s car that night with the certainty that the world as I knew it had changed irrevocably. All I could think about as I climbed the steps to the front door was not the lecture that awaited me but how long before I could see him again. There were so many things I wanted to talk to him about.
11
Head over Heels
The front door opened before I had a chance to knock. Ivy stood there, concern knitting her brow. Gabriel sat stony faced in the sitting room. He might have been a figure in a painting so still was his bearing. Ordinarily it would have prompted overwhelming remorse, but I was still hearing Xavier’s voice and remembering his strong hand on my back as he ushered me into Sweethearts, as well as the fresh scent of his cologne.
Deep down I’d known when I clambered down my balcony that Gabriel would have sensed my absence almost immediately. He would also have guessed where I’d gone and who I was with. I knew the idea of coming to look for me would have crossed his mind, only to be dismissed. Neither he nor Ivy would have wanted to draw attention to us so publicly.
“You shouldn’t have waited up, I was perfectly safe,” I said. The words unintentionally came out sounding too offhand, impudent rather than apologetic. “I’m sorry if I worried you,” I added as an afterthought.
“No, you’re not, Bethany,” said Gabriel softly. He still hadn’t lifted his head. “You’re not sorry or you wouldn’t have done it.” I hated that he wouldn’t look at me.
“Gabe, please,” I began, but he silenced me by raising his hand in protest.
“I was apprehensive about having you with us on this mission, and now you have proven yourself to be completely erratic.” He looked as if the words had left a bad taste in his mouth. “You’re young and inexperienced — your aura is warmer and more human than any other angel’s I have known, and yet you were chosen. I sensed we would encounter problems with you, but the others believed all would be well. But now I see you’ve made your decision — you’ve chosen a passing fancy over your family.” He rose abruptly.
“Can we at least talk about it?” I asked. It was all sounding very dramatic, and I was sure it didn’t need to be if only I could get Gabriel to understand.
“Not now. It’s late. Whatever you want to say can wait till morning.” And with that he left us.
Ivy looked at me, her eyes wide and sad. I hated to end the night on such a sour note, especially seeing as moments ago, I couldn’t have been happier.
“I wish Gabriel wouldn’t do that prophet-of-doom routine,” I said.
Ivy looked suddenly tired.
“Oh, Bethany, don’t say things like that! What you did tonight was wrong even if you can’t see that yet. Our counsel may not make sense to you right now, but the least you can do is think about it before things get out of hand. You will realize this is nothing but an infatuation. Your feelings for this boy will pass.”
Ivy and Gabriel were talking in riddles. How did they expect me to see a problem when they couldn’t even articulate it? I knew my outing with Xavier was a minor deviation from the agenda, but what was the harm in that? What was the point of being on earth and having human experiences if we were going to pretend they didn’t matter? Despite what my siblings thought was best, I didn’t want my feelings for Xavier to pass. That made him sound like a cold or a virus that would eventually work its way out of my system. Never had I experienced such an all-consuming desire for someone’s presence. An expression I’d read somewhere crossed my mind: “The heart wants what the heart desires.” I couldn’t remember where it came from, but whoever wrote it had been right. If Xavier was an illness, then I didn’t want to recover. If my attraction to him constituted an offense that might incur divine retribution, then so be it. Let it rain down. I didn’t care.
Ivy went up to her room and I was left alone with Phantom, who seemed to know instinctively what I needed. He came and nuzzled behind my knees, knowing it would force me to bend down and stroke him. At least one member of the household didn’t hate me.
I went upstairs and peeled off my clothes, leaving them in a heap on the floor. I wasn’t sleepy; instead I was weighed down by a feeling of being trapped. I stepped into the shower and allowed the hot water to pummel my shoulders and loosen my tight muscles. Even though we’d agreed never to do this in the house in case we could be seen, I partially released my wings until they pressed up against the glass of the shower screen. They were stiff from hours of being folded, and I felt them double in weight as they absorbed water. I tipped my head back, letting the water run down my face. Ivy had asked me to think about what I was doing, but for once I didn’t want to think, I just wanted to be.
I dried myself hastily and with my wings still damp climbed into bed. The last thing I wanted was to hurt my brother and sister, but my heart seemed to turn to stone whenever I thought of never seeing Xavier again. I wished he was in my room right then. I knew what I would ask of him: to escort me from my prison. And I knew he wouldn’t hesitate. In my imagination I was the maiden tied to the train tracks, and the face of my tormentor alternated between that of my brother’s and sister’s. I realized I was being irrational, turning the situation into a melodrama, but I couldn’t stop myself. How could I explain to my family that Xavier was much more than a boy I’d developed a crush on? We’d only had a few short encounters and one date, but that was irrelevant. How could I make them see that a similar encounter was unlikely even if I lingered on the earth for a thousand lifetimes? I still possessed my celestial wisdom, and I knew it with the same certainty that I knew my days on this verdant planet were numbered.