By now it was getting dark. Up ahead I heard the sound of voices and then saw figures piling notes, exam papers, worksheets, and other flammable items into a large mound in preparation for the bonfire. There was no blaring music or a mass of seething bodies as there had been at Molly’s party. Instead the few present lay around on the sand, taking swigs from bottles of beer and sharing crumpled cigarettes. Molly and her friends hadn’t arrived yet.
Xavier was sitting on a fallen log half buried in the sand. He wore jeans, a floppy pale blue sweatshirt, and the silver cross around his neck. He held a half-empty bottle and was laughing at an impersonation by one of the boys. The firelight dancing across his face made him look more entrancing than ever.
“Hey, Beth,” someone called out, and the others acknowledged me with waves and nods. Had people finally stopped treating us as “newsworthy” and just accepted that we now came as a package deal? I smiled shyly at everyone and quickly slid in beside Xavier where I felt secure.
“You smell amazing,” Xavier said as he bent to kiss the top of my head. A few of his friends whistled and nudged him or rolled their eyes.
“Come on.” He helped me up. “Let’s go.”
“Leaving already?” one of his friends joked.
“Just going for a walk,” Xavier said in good humor. “If that’s okay with you.”
A few catcalls followed us as we strolled away from the group and the warmth of the fledgling bonfire. They came from Xavier’s closest circle of friends so I knew their intention was not to offend. Soon their voices had petered to a distant hum.
“Xavier, I can’t stay out long.”
“I figured that much.”
He slung an arm casually around my shoulders as we headed up the beach in silence, toward the jagged cliffs, now nothing more than serrated silhouettes against the midnight sky. The warm pressure of Xavier’s arm made me feel safe and protected from everything. I knew as soon as I left him that cold uncertainty would return.
When I cut my foot on the sharp edge of a shell, Xavier insisted on carrying me. I was grateful that in the darkness he couldn’t see the cut heal of its own accord. Even though the pain in my foot had subsided, I continued to cling to him, enjoying his attention. I relaxed my body, allowing it to meld with his. In my enthusiasm to get close, I accidentally poked him in the eye. I felt as clumsy as a schoolgirl when I should have been as graceful as an angel. I apologized profusely.
“It’s okay, I’ve got another one,” he joked, his eye watering from the jab. He squinted and blinked, trying to clear it.
He put me down when we reached a sandy inlet shadowed by the looming cliff face. The jagged rocks formed an ancient archway, like a portal to another world, and the moonlight turned the sand a pearly blue color. A steep flight of steps led to the top of the cliff, which offered the best view of the lighthouse. In the water scattered rock formations rose like monoliths. People hardly ever ventured out this way except for the occasional group of tourists. Most were happy to hang around the main beach, where the cafés and souvenir shops were a short stroll away. The spot was completely secluded — there wasn’t anything or anybody within view. The only sound was the pounding of the sea, like a hundred voices speaking in a mysterious tongue.
Xavier sat down and rested his back against the cool rock. I hovered next to him, not wanting to delay the inevitable any longer but without the faintest idea how to start. We both knew why we’d come: I had something I wanted to get off my chest. I imagined it had been on Xavier’s mind as well as mine, but he had no idea what was coming.
He waited for me to speak, but my mouth felt as dry as a cracker. This was supposed to be my moment. I’d planned to reveal my true identity to him tonight. All week I’d felt as if time was moving slowly, the hours inching by at a snail’s pace. But now that the moment had finally arrived, I seemed to be buying more time. I was like an actor who’d forgotten her lines, even though the rehearsal had been flawless. I knew the gist of what I was supposed to say, but I had forgotten how I was meant to say it, the gestures that should accompany it, the timing of the delivery. I paced up and down the sand, twisting my hands and wondering where and how to begin. Despite the warmth of the night, I shivered. My hesitation was starting to make Xavier uncomfortable.
“Whatever it is, Beth, just get it over with. I can handle it.”
“Thanks, but it’s a little more complicated than that.”
I’d been over the scene in my head a hundred times, but now the words died on my tongue.
Xavier stood up and put both hands reassuringly on my shoulders. “You know, whatever you’re about to tell me won’t change my opinion of you. It can’t.”
“Why can’t it?”
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m crazy about you.”
“Really?” I said, pleasantly sidetracked by his pronouncement.
“So you hadn’t noticed? That’s not a good thing — I’m going to have to be more demonstrative in future.”
“That’s if you still want us to have a future after tonight.”
“Once you get to know me better, you’ll learn that I don’t run away. I take a long time to make decisions about people, but once I do, I stick by them.”
“Even when you’re wrong?”
“I don’t believe I’m wrong about you.”
“How can you say that when you don’t know what I’m about to tell you?” I muttered.
Xavier opened his arms wide, as though inviting me to hit him with the truth.
“Let me prove it to you.”
“I can’t,” I said, my voice catching. “I’m scared. What if you never want to see me again?”
“That isn’t going to happen, Beth,” he said more forcefully. He lowered his voice and spoke seriously. “I know this is hard for you, but you’re going to have to trust me.”
I looked into his eyes, like two blue pools, and knew that he was right. And I did trust him.
“First tell me something,” I said. “What’s the scariest thing that’s ever happened to you?”
Xavier thought for a moment.
“Well, being at the top of a hundred-foot rappel drop was pretty scary, and once when I was traveling with the under-fourteen state water-polo team, I broke one of the rules and Coach Benson took me outside. He’s a pretty scary guy when he wants to be and ripped me to shreds. He banned me from the game against Creswell the next day.”
For the first time I was struck by Xavier’s human innocence; if this was his definition of a frightening experience, what chance was there of him surviving the bombshell I was about to drop?
“Is that it?” I asked. The words came out sounding harsher than I intended. “That’s your scariest moment?”
He looked me in the eye. “Well, I guess you could count the night I got a phone call telling me my girlfriend had died in a fire. But I don’t really want to go there. ..”
“I’m sorry.” I looked at the ground. I couldn’t believe I’d been so stupid as to forget about Emily. Xavier knew about loss and grief and pain that I’d never experienced.
“Don’t be.” He took my hand. “Just listen to me; I saw the family after it happened. They were all standing on the road, and I thought for a moment that everything was okay. I expected to see her with them. I was ready to comfort her. But then I saw her mom’s face — like she didn’t have a reason for living anymore — and I knew. It wasn’t just their house that was gone, Em was gone too.”
“That’s awful,” I whispered, feeling my eyes brim with tears. Xavier wiped them away with his thumb.
“I’m not telling you to upset you,” he said. “I’m telling you because I want you to know that you can’t scare me. You can tell me anything. I won’t run away.”