The professor took a deep breath and used all of his occlumency skills to calm himself. "Potter," he said, in much more measured tones. "Who, precisely, do you consider 'normal' people?"
Harry blinked. "Um, you know. People who aren't freaks."
"And who exactly is a freak?"
"Me," Harry spoke with an utter lack of self-consciousness. He could have been discussing the color of his hair.
Snape ground his teeth. Those Muggles would pay for this. "And why are you a freak?"
"Um, well, because I'm different. You know, from normal people." Harry studied his professor with confusion. Why was he asking such simple, basic questions? He might as well ask why the sun was hot.
"Normal people being your relatives?" Snape spat.
Harry nodded.
"Then you are considered a freak for being different to the Muggles?" Another nod. "For being a Wizard?" Another nod. "Then obviously you consider me to be a freak as well."
Panicked, Harry started to shake his head. No, no! He hadn't meant to insult Professor Snape!
"And therefore you need not avoid touching me, as we are both freaks together," Snape continued inexorably, so caught up in his rage at the Dursleys that he was oblivious to the fact that he had just given the boy permission to hug him. "In fact, you can hug anyone in the Wizarding world, which includes everyone here at Hogwarts except Filch, and I cannot conceive of even you being desperate enough to hug that squib." Harry was staring at him, mouth agape. "However, if you ever so much as contemplate hugging that walrus of an uncle of yours or any of the rest of those despicable Dursleys, I will have Madame Pomfrey confine you to the Infirmary until the mind-healers from St Mungo's can collect you." Snape glowered at him. "You idiotic child, how dare you imagine that you are the freak? Have you not yet realized that your horrible relatives are the unnatural monsters? Every word they spoke to you was either a deliberate misstatement or a blatant lie. The next time you quote them, I should wash out your mouth with soap. Their lies are filthier than any expletive could be."
Harry blinked, stunned by this chain of logic. Yes, he'd known that his relatives hadn't been honest with him from the moment that Hagrid walked in тАУ well, blew in тАУ the door, but he still hadn't quite realized how all-encompassing their lies had been. It wasn't until Snape laid it out like that that he realized his entire view of the world might be somewhat тАж off.
"Do you remember those despicable Muggles' rules?" Snape demanded. Harry gulped and nodded. "Right. You are to forget them. Entirely." Harry goggled at him.
Snape glared. The boy looked adenoidal with his mouth hanging open like that. "What is so difficult to understand, Potter. I am now your guardian, and you will have a new set of rules."
"Yes, sir," Harry managed to stammer. That made sense, at least.
"You will naturally attend classes as previously arranged and live in your dorm with your Housemates. However, I will arrange with the Headmaster for another room to be added to my quarters for you so that тАУ"
"A room? A whole room? For me?" Harry couldn't help himself; it just burst out.
Snape rolled his eyes. Merlin save him from idiot Gryffindors. Why couldn't the boy at least have been a Ravenclaw? "Yes, Potter. A room. For you. Where else would you sleep? A cupboard?" To his astonishment, Harry merely nodded. An awful suspicion took root in Snape's mind.
"Potter, where exactly did you live in those bastard Muggles' home?"
"Like it said on my Hogwarts letter," Harry explained, wondering why this was news to the professor. "The cupboard under the stairs."
Snape hadn't wanted to hex something this badly since Harry's father and godfather had tried to sabotage his NEWTS potion. "And what exactly was a typical day like in that house?"
Harry bit his lower lip, wondering why Snape was so curious. Then it dawned on him. He probably wanted to know what kind of chores Harry was good at, so he could assign him his new tasks. Harry sat up тАУ hopefully he could impress Snape with all the things he could do. The man wouldn't mind having adopted him once he realized how useful Harry could make himself.
"I'd get up first and make breakfast for everyone," he began obediently. "Then after serving everyone and cleaning the kitchen, I'd do my morning chores. If it wasn't a school day, then I'd usually do the garden first, then the house, and on Sundays I always washed the car. After making lunch I usually got to have a sandwich or some leftovers before starting on my afternoon chores. If Aunt Petunia had her garden club or bridge club or book club or something coming over, then I'd get the living room all set for them before making tea. I'd usually finish any outside chores before making dinner тАУ Uncle Vernon liked me to repaint the garden shed and fence anytime they looked dingy, so I did that a lot. After my relatives finished dinner, if I was allowed to eat, I'd do that before cleaning the kitchen and washing the floor, and then I'd go to sleep." He paused, thinking. "Oh, and I'm a good cook. Even the bridge club ladies said so. And I can paint things really well, without drip marks or anything. I've done a lot of gardening, from planting things to mowing the lawns to weeding to pruning the hedges. And I can clean the bathroom really quickly, so I don't get in the way. I know to be careful about fingerprints and stuff, so you don't have to worry."
Snape was staring at him. That idiotic old coot had turned Harry into The Boy Who Lived To Be A House Elf For Muggles. Even Snape's own father, for all his brutality, hadn't expected such a level of servitude. What had Dumbledore been thinking to allow those hideous Muggles to mistreat this child so badly? "Do you really imagine I agreed to be your guardian because I am in need of a house elf?" At Harry's blank look, Snape remembered that the boy was new to all things magical. "A slave."
Harry frowned. "How else am I going to earn my food, sir?"
Snape pinched the bridge of his nose. This was getting thoroughly depressing. "Let me guess. Another rule at the Dursleys was no work, no food."
Harry nodded. "If I don't do a good job, I don't deserve to eat, and I get punished."
Snape's eyes narrowed. "Punished how? In addition to starvation, I mean," he added sarcastically.
Harry's eyes dropped. He guessed it was only fair that his new guardian knew how his relatives had punished him, but he really hoped that the professor might not be quite as strict as Uncle Vernon. Of course, he reminded himself consolingly, while he was attending Hogwarts, there were three meals a day, so whatever other punishments he got, he probably wouldn't go without food. тАжUnless the professor decided to order him to skip meals.
"Well?" Snape's harsh voice broke in on his musing, and Harry hurried to answer.
"Mostly just a slap or a smacking and being locked up in my cupboard," Harry explained. "But if I got in real trouble, like at school or for doing тАУ " he shot a quick glance at the professor "- freaky stuff, then I'd get the belt."
"What about restriction of privileges? Withholding treats or toys? Extra chores?" At Harry's blank look, Snape rolled his eyes. Of course the boy would be puzzled. How could you withhold privileges or toys from a child who never got any in the first place? And it sounded like there were no extra chores for the boy to do, because he was already doing them all.
"Out of curiosity, Potter, how did they punish that whale of a cousin of yours? Did they strike him as well?"
"Dudley?" Harry asked in surprise. "I don't think they ever punished Dudley."
"And you see nothing wrong with such an inequitable situation?"