HERMIONE (from off): If you don’t talk to me or Ginny about it . . .
SCORPIUS/HARRY: Stand back. Alohomora!
He aims his wand at the door. The door swings open. He grins — delighted.
Albus. Block her. It has to be you.
HARRY (from off): What is there to say?
ALBUS/RON: Me. Why?
DELPHI/HERMIONE: Well, it can’t be either of us, can it? We are them.
HERMIONE (from off): What you said was obviously wrong — but — there are more factors at play here than —
ALBUS/RON: But I can’t . . . I can’t . . .
There’s a small kerfuffle and then ALBUS/RON ends up standing outside the door as HERMIONE and HARRY enter from off.
HARRY: Hermione, I’m grateful for your concern but there’s no need —
HERMIONE: Ron?
ALBUS/RON: Surprise!!!
HERMIONE: What are you doing here?
ALBUS/RON: Does a man need an excuse to see his wife?
He kisses HERMIONE firmly.
HARRY: I should go . . .
HERMIONE: Harry. My point is . . . whatever Draco says — the things you said to Albus . . . I don’t think it’ll do any of us any good for you to dwell on it.
ALBUS/RON: Oh, you’re talking about how Harry said sometimes he wished I — (he corrects himself) Albus weren’t his son.
HERMIONE: Ron!
ALBUS/RON: Better out than in, that’s what I say . . .
HERMIONE: He’ll know . . . We all say stuff we don’t mean. He knows that.
ALBUS/RON: But what if sometimes we say stuff we do mean . . . What then?
HERMIONE: Ron, now’s not the time, honestly.
ALBUS/RON: Of course it isn’t. Bye-bye, darling.
ALBUS/RON watches her go, hopeful she’ll walk past her office and away. But of course she doesn’t. He runs to block her before she enters through her door. He blocks her once, and then blocks her again, swinging his hips to do so.
HERMIONE: Why are you blocking the entrance to my office?
ALBUS/RON: I’m not. Blocking. Anything.
She again makes for the door, he blocks her again.
HERMIONE: You are. Let me into my room, Ron.
ALBUS/RON: Let’s have another baby.
HERMIONE tries to dodge past him.
HERMIONE: What?
ALBUS/RON: Or if not another baby, a holiday. I want a baby or a holiday and I’m going to insist on it. Shall we talk about it later, honey?
She tries to get into the room one final time, he blocks her with a kiss. It develops into quite a struggle.
Maybe with a drink in the Leaky Cauldron? Love you.
HERMIONE (relenting): If there is another stink pellet in there then Merlin won’t help you. Fine. We’re due to update the Muggles anyway.
She exits. HARRY exits with her.
ALBUS/RON turns towards the door. She reenters, this time, alone.
A baby — OR — a holiday? Some days you are off the scale, you know that?
ALBUS/RON: It’s why you married me, isn’t it? My puckish sense of fun.
She exits again. He starts to open the door but again she reenters, he slams it closed.
HERMIONE: I can taste fish. I told you to stay away from those fishfinger sandwiches.
ALBUS/RON: Right you are.
She exits. He checks she’s gone and the relief floods out of him as he opens the door.
ACT ONE, SCENE NINETEEN
MINISTRY OF MAGIC, HERMIONE’S OFFICE
SCORPIUS/HARRY and DELPHI/HERMIONE are waiting on the other side of HERMIONE’s office door as ALBUS/RON enters — he slumps, exhausted.
ALBUS/RON: This is all too weird.
DELPHI/HERMIONE: You were impressive. Good blocking action.
SCORPIUS/HARRY: I don’t know whether to high-five you or frown at you for kissing your aunt about five hundred times!
ALBUS/RON: Ron’s an affectionate guy. I was trying to distract her, Scorpius. I did distract her.
SCORPIUS/HARRY: And then there’s what your dad said . . .
DELPHI/HERMIONE: Boys . . . She will be back — we don’t have long.
ALBUS/RON (to SCORPIUS/HARRY): You heard that?
DELPHI/HERMIONE: Where would Hermione hide a Time-Turner? (She looks around the room, she sees the bookcases.) Search the bookcases.
They start to search. SCORPIUS/HARRY looks at his friend, concerned.
SCORPIUS/HARRY: Why didn’t you tell me?
ALBUS/RON: My dad says he wishes I weren’t his son. Hardly a conversation starter, is it?
SCORPIUS/HARRY tries to work out what to say.
SCORPIUS/HARRY: I know the — Voldemort thing isn’t — true — and — you know — but sometimes, I think I can see my dad thinking: How did I produce this?
ALBUS/RON: Still better than my dad. I’m pretty sure he spends most of his time thinking: How can I give him back?
DELPHI/HERMIONE tries to pull SCORPIUS/HARRY towards the bookshelves.
DELPHI/HERMIONE: Maybe if we could concentrate on the matter at hand.
SCORPIUS/HARRY: My point is, there’s a reason we’re friends, Albus — a reason we found each other, you know? And whatever this — adventure — is about . . .
Then he spots a book on the shelf that makes him frown.
Have you seen the books on these shelves? There are some serious books here. Banned books. Cursed books.
ALBUS/RON: How to distract Scorpius from difficult emotional issues. Take him to a library.
SCORPIUS/HARRY: All the books from the Restricted Section and then some. Magick Moste Evile. Fifteenth-Century Fiends. Sonnets of a Sorcerer — that’s not even allowed in Hogwarts!
ALBUS/RON: Shadows and Spirits. The Nightshade Guide to Necromancy.
DELPHI/HERMIONE: They are quite something, aren’t they . . .
ALBUS/RON: The True History of the Opal Fire. The Imperius Curse and How to Abuse It.
SCORPIUS/HARRY: And lookee here. Whoa. My Eyes and How to See Past Them by Sybill Trelawney. A book on Divination. Hermione Granger hates Divination. This is fascinating. This is a find . . .
He pulls the book from the shelf. And it falls open. And speaks.
BOOK: The first is the fourth, a disappointing mark.
You’ll find it in parked but not in park.
SCORPIUS/HARRY: Okay. A book that talks. Bit weird.
BOOK: The second is the less fair of those that walk on two legs.
Grubby, hairy, a disease of the egg.
And the third is both a mountain to climb and a route to take.
ALBUS/RON: It’s a riddle. It’s giving us a riddle.
BOOK: A turn in the city, a glide through a lake.
DELPHI/HERMIONE: What have you done?
SCORPIUS/HARRY: I, uh, I opened a book. Something which has — in all my years on this planet — never been a particularly dangerous activity.
The books reach out and grab ALBUS/RON. He only just eludes their grasp.
ALBUS/RON: What is that?
DELPHI/HERMIONE: She’s weaponized it. She’s weaponized her library. This is where the Time-Turner will be. Solve the riddle and we’ll find it.
ALBUS/RON: The first is the fourth. You’ll find it in parked, not in park. Ed — de —
The books start to try to swallow DELPHI/HERMIONE.
SCORPIUS/HARRY: The second is a disease of the egg, the less fair of those who walk on two legs . . .