Hater

    'I don't know. Look, Ellis, we don't know when school's going to be open again. Hopefully it won't be too long.'

    'I'm going on a trip next week.'

    'I know.'

    'My class is going to a farm.'

    'I know.'

    'We're going on a coach.'

    'I know.'

    'Will we still be able to go?'

    'I hope so.'

    'Will you take me if school's still shut?'

    'I'll take you.'

    She seems happy with that and, again, she becomes quiet. I lie back and close my eyes. The day so far has been long and emotionally draining and it has taken its toll. My eyes feel heavy. In just a few short minutes I feel Ellis' body go limp in my arms. Her breathing changes, becoming shallow and steady and I look down at her. She's dozing, completely relaxed and almost asleep. In a world which has suddenly become completely irrational, unpredictable and fucked-up she remains perfect and unaltered. This little girl means everything to me.

    I'm tired. I close my eyes.

    I was almost asleep for a second until the image of the girl in the supermarket this morning returned. For a terrifying moment I imagined that it was Ellis, and that she was attacking Lizzie lying on the ground. I'm frightened. I'm petrified by the prospect that whatever it is that's happening outside will eventually find its way into my home and harm my family.

    I try to imagine this beautiful little girl attacking me.

    I try to imagine me attacking her.

26

    It's just before midnight. The children are asleep. We're sitting in the living room in silence and in almost total darkness. Harry, Liz and I couldn't be sitting any further apart from each other in here. Harry's opposite the window, looking out through half-drawn curtains. Liz is by the door, staring into space. The television has been off all night. No-one's saying anything new so there's no point watching. The lack of information is just making things worse.

    'Anyone want a drink?' I offer. This silence is unbearable.

    'Not for me,' answers Harry. I look over at Lizzie. She shakes her head and looks down. She hasn't spoken for hours. We had a conversation about the kids just after they'd gone to bed but since then she's hardly said anything.

    The room is filled with dull, rumbling noise and a sudden flash of light as a huge ball of flame mushrooms up into the sky from a building nearby.

    'What in hell's name was that?' Harry grumbles as he gets up from his chair and staggers to the window. He pulls the curtains fully open and I stand behind him and look over his shoulder. I can't see what's burning. It looks like it might be the medical centre on Colville Way. It's about quarter a mile away from here but that's too close for comfort. As the initial noise and burst of flame dies down I hear other, equally frightening sounds. A desperate woman yells out for help. Her voice is hoarse and terrified. She's pleading with someone, screaming at them to get away from her and leave her alone and… and her cries suddenly stop. Now I can hear a car starting. The engine is revved and accelerated furiously. The car begins to move at speed but its brief journey is over in seconds. Brakes squeal and tyres skid across the road before I hear the unmistakable thump and crunch of a collision.

    The quiet which follows the sudden mayhem is a thousand times worse than the flames and the screams. I'm standing here waiting to hear sirens as the police, fire brigade or anyone who can help reaches the scene but there's nothing, just a cold and empty silence. I know that the response would be the same if anything happened here. We're completely on our own.

    I turn around. The room is still filled with dull light from the fire and I can see that Lizzie's crying. I sit down next to her leaving Harry at the window watching the inferno in the near distance. I put my arm around her and pull her closer.

    'Come on,' I say uselessly. She doesn't react. I reach out and hold her hand but it just sits limply in mine.

    'It should never have got to this stage,' Harry chunters with his back to us, standing at the window like a general surveying the battlefield. 'They should never have let it come to this.'

    He turns round and stares at us both, seeming to be almost demanding a response. Liz stares back at him, her face streaked with tears.

    'Leave it, Harry,' I warn him. 'This isn't the time…'

    'When is the time then?' he snaps. 'When do you want to start talking about it? When the trouble reaches your front door?'

    'There's a body in the street about ten meters away. I'd say it's reached the front door already,' I snap back angrily.

    'So what are we going to do about it?' he demands. There's an uncomfortable hint of panic and desperation in his raised voice. 'Are we just going to sit here? Are we just going to…?'

    'What can we do?' I interrupt, holding Lizzie's hand a little tighter. 'What are the options, Harry? Should we sit here and keep ourselves and the children safe, or do you want us to go out there and join in the fighting?'

    'That's what caused the problems in the first place,' he argues.

    'Exactly, so what else are we supposed to do?'

    Harry is pointing his finger at me now and his voice is getting louder. He's not making any sense and I'm biting my lip, trying not to panic. Once again I find myself wondering if he's about to turn.

    'This is just what people have been waiting for,' he continues at an uncomfortable volume, 'an excuse to fight. Not that they've needed much of an excuse before, but now it doesn't matter. People can do what the bloody hell they like without fear of any repercussions. It's a chance for the scum around here to show their true colours and…'

    'Shut up,' Lizzie yells angrily. 'Just shut up, Dad. You're not helping.'

    'These people need a firm hand,' he rants, oblivious. He points accusingly at the TV. 'And if the idiots running the television stations hadn't sensationalised things by showing more and more violence then maybe we wouldn't be in this mess. If there had just been some respect for authority maybe we'd all be…'

    'There is no authority any more,' I shout back. 'I saw a policeman shooting people in cold blood yesterday and then I watched other officers turn their weapons on him and gun him down. The authorities are as screwed as the rest of us.'

    'But if people would just stop...'

    'For Christ's sake, shut up!' Liz screams again. She snatches her hand from mine and storms out of the room. I watch her disappear down the hallway and almost immediately the paranoia begins. Harry is quiet now - is it Liz who's turning? Is she heading for the kids' rooms? Is she going to hurt them? I get up and run after her. I'm relieved when I find that she's shut herself in the bathroom and I feel stupid and guilty for thinking she could have been doing anything else. I slowly trudge back to the living room where Harry finally seems to be calming down.

    'She all right?' he grunts.

    I nod but I can't bring myself to speak to him. He turns his back on me again and continues to watch the smoke rising from the building burning on Colville way.

FRIDAY

27

    Not sure what time I finally went to sleep. I lay on the bed for hours trying (and failing) to make sense of everything that's happening. I must have looked at the alarm clock a hundred times or more in the night. I watched every hour tick by…

    'Dad.'

    I'm still half-asleep but Ed wakes me up. I sit up quickly. What's wrong? What's happened? I rub my eyes and try to focus on my son's face. The room's dark but I think he's okay. I look down and see that Lizzie's still sleeping next to me in bed. She seems okay too.