I'm at the living room window. I look inside. Lizzie is still piling furniture against the door. Edward spots me almost immediately and Lizzie shoves the children into the corner of the room. Ellis is trapped behind Edward and Josh but I can still see her. I can still see her face. She's crying and mouthing my name.
I look around for something to use to smash the glass. There's a broken paving slab halfway down the path to the front door. I pick it up and manage to throw it through the window. The glass shatters and the noise is uncomfortably loud. I can hear their voices again now. I can hear Lizzie screaming at them to keep back and keep away from me. I drag myself up and climb through the window frame, feeling shards of glass digging into me and slicing my skin. The pain doesn't matter.
I force my body through the window head first and collapse onto the carpet. I quickly get up but my footing is unsteady and I'm off-balance. Lizzie is running towards me. She has something in her hands - it's the metal tube from the vacuum cleaner. She swings it at me. I try to duck out of the way but I'm too slow and she hits me.
A sudden burning, searing pain across my face.
Blood pouring from my nose and into my mouth.
Face down on the carpet. I can't…
31
The living room is cold and silent. I slowly prise open my eyes. I don't think there's anyone else here. The pile of furniture has been moved and the door is open. Rain is blowing in through the smashed window and the backs of my legs are wet. I try to sit up but the pain is too much and I let myself fall back down again.
How long have I been lying here?
I start to remember what happened. I work my way backwards. I remember Lizzie hitting me. I remember the look of hatred on her face, matched only by the similar expressions on Edward and Josh's faces. I close my eyes and try to pull myself together. Watching my partner and children run from me and knowing that they have such hate for me hurts more than the physical pain I'm now feeling. I feel empty, betrayed and scared. I can't explain anything that's happened. I don't know why I killed Harry, I just know that I had to do it. I can't explain why almost my entire family turned against me so quickly and so completely. I can't explain why Ellis didn't turn either. Christ, I have to find her.
I force myself to get up. My body hurts and every movement is difficult. Very slowly, using the arm of the sofa for support, I manage to stand. I catch sight of myself in the mirror that hangs over the gas fire. My right eye is black and swollen. One of my front teeth is loose and I can taste blood at the back of my throat. When I see the state of my face I start to really feel the pain. I drag myself into the kitchen and step over the body on the floor to get myself some water.
That's better.
The water is ice-cold and refreshing and it helps clear some of the dullness from my spinning head. I stand over the sink and wash my mouth out, spitting blood into the bowl. I stare into the pinky-red water and try not to look at Harry lying dead at my feet. What the hell happened? The kitchen floor is covered with his dark crimson blood. His lifeless eyes stare up towards the ceiling and I can feel them burning into me. I don't regret what I did - I had to kill him before he killed me - I just need to understand why…
I turn off the tap and, apart from the occasional drip of water, the flat is otherwise silent. Could Lizzie have taken the children and hidden upstairs in one of the other apartments? I slowly walk towards the kitchen door, listening carefully. I know in my heart they've gone.
Fuck.
A sudden realisation hits me like a punch to the guts, more painful even than the physical and emotional blows I've already taken. Thinking about the flats upstairs has made me remember the body on the landing and the Hater's words to me when he lay there dying. 'Be ready for them,' he said to me, 'it's them, not us. You see everything clearly when it happens to you.' Jesus Christ, he looked at me and saw another Hater. I'm one of them. It's the only logical explanation. How could Harry, Lizzie, Edward and Josh all change at the same time? It stands to reason that I'm the only one who is any different. I can't explain how or why, but when I looked into their eyes I knew immediately that the others weren't like me and that they were a threat. I sensed revulsion coming off them. I looked at my family and I feared them and that explains why I did what I did and why so many others have killed before me. I had to attack them before they attacked me. All except Ellis...
Keep calm I try to tell myself as I run down the hallway and go out into the lobby. I look out through the front door. Damn, my car has gone. Bloody hell, they've taken the car and now they could be anywhere. I'm struggling to think straight and my panic-induced nausea has returned. Keep calm, I say to myself again. Think logically. Where would they have gone? Their options are limited. They could have gone to Harry's house but that's unlikely with him lying dead on the kitchen floor. Most probably Lizzie will have taken them to her sister's place. I'll look for them there.
I'm cold. My clothes are wet and are soiled with both Harry's blood and my own. I'll get changed, get some things together and then go and find Ellis. I don't know where we'll go once I get her back. We can't come back here. This place isn't safe anymore.
32
I'm washed and changed and ready to go but I can't bring myself to leave. The reality of what has happened is finally hitting home. The adrenaline and nervous fear has disappeared and now I'm left feeling empty, confused and scared.
I've realised I've lost everything.
I'm standing in Edward and Josh's bedroom now just looking around. It's too painful… I can't put into words how this is making me feel. I know that my boys are within touching distance but somehow I also know that they're gone and I'll never be with them again. I pick up a toy - a piece of nothing, just a cheap plastic hamburger meal giveaway gift - and it fills me with pain. Josh had this about three weeks ago. Harry gave us some money. We were out late and we filled the kids up with fast food. It was the first time Josh had had a meal to himself. He was so proud of it. He spent more time playing with this bloody toy than he did eating his burger.
I have to let them go.
I go through to the bedroom that Lizzie and I shared and I pick the bag I've packed up off the bed. The wardrobe door is open. I look along Lizzie's clothes rail and all the different outfits I see remind me of so many times. It fills me with a gut-wrenching sadness. All the memories I have - every second of the life I've led since I first met her - suddenly means nothing.
It would have been easier if they'd died. I know what I am now, and I know that Lizzie, Edward and Josh are different. I don't understand the differences between us, but I know beyond any doubt that they are insurmountable. I know that I'll never be with my partner and children again. As for Ellis… she's like me and I'll fight with my last breath to get her back.
I'm trying to shift the body in the kitchen. In spite of the hate I saw in Harry's eyes I don't want to leave him like this - half-dressed and twisted and slumped in the corner of the room. I pull his feet to try and straighten him out but his limbs are stiff and unresponsive. I fetch a duvet from the bedroom and drape it over the corpse.