If I’d once suspected she might feel spitefully towards you, I now realize how much she hates you because of the way you denied her everything that belonged to her. It was very unpleasant to face that terrible truth, and I felt guilty that I had been so weak and told her about where she really came from. But you must realize I did so hoping she’d feel proud and confident, although in the end, as you see, I only generated more resentment. A resentment that makes her feel happy, because she possesses one more proof of your real character and, with that proof, the certainty you were the one who ordered that woman be silenced forever.
Do you know what is most painful, most cruel about this terrible revelation? That I now understand that even when I always loved you and dared defy all conventions, even gave you two children, I too was afraid of you and perhaps that’s why I was never determined enough to rebel against the role and fate you moulded for me, while you broke every promise you’d made over the years… And even now, I dare write all this only because I know this letter will never reach your hands. In fact, I would never dare to have sent it for two reasons you are well aware of: fear and love. I prefer to think out of love. Out of a love able to forgive everything.
Your Nena
Here you have me now, a human mess, living in this shitty slum, and still thinking life has been generous. Very generous. I’ve been whiplashed, like everyone else, at times viciously, but I’ve seen and enjoyed what others could never dream of, even if they lived two hundred years and didn’t sleep a single night.
Look, when I celebrated my thirteenth birthday, I discovered something that would be my salvation: I had something special, and I told myself: I’m going to use this gift of nature to survive. Go on, take a second look at that photo, a good look… Can you feel it? That something’s in my face, my hair, in my firm tits, which were like two apples when I was twelve, and above all down here, between my legs. When I was thirteen, my father died: he fell from a building where he was cleaning windows, and as he didn’t belong to a union and we didn’t have money to hire a lawyer, we didn’t get a single peso in compensation. Not even funeral expenses. My mother, little sister and I lived in a tenement three blocks from here on Indio, and were left totally skint, were almost starving to death, really starving, had nothing to eat: that hunger forced me to stop being a young girl, like that, over night. When I went into the street, men stared at me and some said things, and I thought: If God’s given me this body, the biggest sin I could commit would be to let it die, and let my mum and my sister die… I started to lay the Spaniard who owned the room where we lived so he didn’t throw us out, and then it was the turn of the butcher, the owner of the corner store and the baker, and, as it seemed to work well, I went on to the tailor and the furrier. I really never saw or felt it was at all dirty or immoral, because when I did it I felt good: I liked giving men a good time, and thought it was wonderful when they gave me one too. So, as easy as pie and without guilty feelings or any shit like that, because as the wise man said, the one who seemed to know what he was talking about: the best thing about being a whore is that you work on your back in bed and in the worst scenario, if you don’t earn much, at least you get something hot in your belly…
By the age of fifteen I knew all there was to know about men, what they need and what you must do to soften them up, what they like and sometimes don’t dare ask for, and most important of alclass="underline" I learned how to make them think they fuck better than anyone else and make them feel happy when they give you money and things for one little fuck… That’s why I told myself, right, you can get more than your food and clothing out of this, you could turn professional and earn real money if you could get to people who pay for a good night between the sheets without protesting. I say this quite brazenly: the least of it was my fantastic body; what decided it was the fact I was more intelligent than most whores. I had a wild animal’s natural intelligence, and realized there were two very dangerous things in this trade: one is to fall in love with a bastard who’ll pimp you for all the money you’ve earned and the other is not to know your limitations, because you need to know that however well you look after yourself, by the age of thirty you’ll be in decline, and what you don’t get by that age you’ll never get. Like most things in life. That was why I started to look for a way to be more than a common whore: I decided to speak to the impresarios who ran the Shanghai and told them I wanted to dance in their shows. The Shanghai had a bad reputation as a clip joint, people said, but the key thing was that every night guys with money went there, high society guys, some on a binge, others who liked to get their thrills looking at naked girls, and I felt I’d catch a good fish there if I worked on it. When the theatre people saw me dance naked, they saw I’d be a star and for a few pesos bought me a birth certificate in the name of Elsa Contreras, that said I was twenty-one, and not just sweet seventeen.
I was dancing within a fortnight and men went crazy: they packed out the theatre to see me, and I met Louis Mallet, a fortyyear old Frenchman, the representative of Panama Pacific, a big shipping line in New Orleans, who also ran a business in Cuba importing wood from Honduras and Guatemala, in partnership with a Cuban, Alcides Montes de Oca. And my life changed, just as my name had changed. Louis and I started seeing each other and within the month he’d rented me a flat near the university, so we had a nice place together. Louis was a good man, affectionate even and never banned me from dancing at the Shanghai. He’d say: you’re an artiste. As he spent three or four months in Cuba and the rest of the time in New Orleans or Guatemala, I used that time and worked extra, but only with people who paid over the odds, and I started to save money, wear expensive clothes, use classy perfumes and my customers got even classier.
But my life really changed in 1955 and I was able to give up the theatre and all that. Louis was in Havana around that time and told me to ask for a week off from the Shanghai, we were going to go to Varadero, because he wanted a rest and to introduce me to some friends who were going to make me a really profitable offer. When we reached Varadero we checked in at a beautiful sea-front hotel, a wooden building straight out of an American movie. During the day we swam on the beach, like a honeymoon couple, and swanned around in a convertible. That night we went for dinner in a big house on the banks of the canal, near the spot where they built the Hotel Kawama, soon after. Alcides Montes de Oca, Louis’s partner, was there, who I’d seen a couple of times before, and a very elegant man with a clown’s face who spoke softly although he never laughed, and turned out to be Meyer Lansky. When it was time to eat, another man, Joe Stasi came along. It was a really boring dinner, because Louis, Alcides, Stasi and Lansky spent the whole time talking about imports and exports, and as Lansky only drank a couple of glasses of Pernod and hated drunks, we hardly saw a drop of wine. Then, when they offered us cognac and coffee on the terrace, opposite the canal, Alcides Montes de Oca finally told me what they wanted me for. They were organizing a scheme to attract millions of American tourists to Cuba and these tourists required four essential items: good hotels, casinos, readily available high quality drugs and young, healthy, elegant, dissolute women. If I accepted, my responsibility would be to work with those women. They were planning special journeys to Havana for extremely wealthy people, celebrities, artists, journalists, and so on, and would treat them all so they felt they’d been to paradise, so they’d spread the good news about holidays in Havana. I had to create the kind of agency with only top-notch girls – none of your average, unsophisticated whores. I’d to choose the best and create a quality service. Sometimes these women wouldn’t only go to bed with their men, they’d also have to accompany them in Havana and needed to know how to behave in a restaurant, cabaret, casino or even at the theatre. The women would be paid a fixed wage, a high wage, whether they had lots or little work, so they weren’t soliciting all over the place. If I accepted, one of Stasi’s men would set up the whole structure: he’d be a kind of accountant-administrator, working with hotels and casinos, and I’d look for the women and be responsible for training them, together with an etiquette expert who’d teach them to behave and dress well. Then I’d deal directly with the girls, be like a manager and get a three per cent cut of whatever the rich and famous lost gambling in casinos, which might be quite a lot… Initially, in the three or four months necessary to get the agency up and running, I’d be paid a salary of 500 pesos. 500 pesos! Do you know what 500 pesos meant back then! A small fortune.