“You’re losing your touch, baby,” I was going to whisper in a cold, cruel tone. “Ha! Ha! You’re on a slippery slope, going straight down. You’re practically finished. Why, you can’t even take the dog out for a walk on a leash! Don’t you see that at the end of the day, no matter what you do, the babes are going to beat you? Don’t you see, you fool, that we’re better than you? Oh, Ted Bundy, you have no idea how much I pity you. You know, if I were you, I’d retire. Don’t get mad, man, but with your utter lack of street smarts and that microscopic little dick, you’re not going anywhere. You know what I think? You should get yourself a husband, that’s what! A really brutish macho, with a real twelve-inch super dick who fucks you up the ass the way you deserve and makes you see stars and...”
I was really quite inspired. I spent various nights waiting for his call, very excited, smoking cigarette after cigarette, with all my lights off and my gaze turned on the sky above Havana — one of the darkest in the world — as I went through my burlesque speech in my head, making it even more hurtful, sadistic, and devastating. I really wanted to fuck with this guy, to offend him, humiliate him, and chew him up and out. I confess that there are times when I have very violent impulses toward others, but I contain myself. I am, after all, a civilized person. But when life’s crazy turns bring me in contact with someone who doesn’t repress those impulses in himself... well, then the walls crumble, there’s no point to being civilized, and we willingly go deeper into that wild and tenuous territory where everything is up for grabs. And when I say everything, I mean exactly that: everything. So I was really sharpening my claws, ready to dig them where they would most hurt my nocturnal interlocutor as soon as I got my chance. Ah, but woman proposes and God disposes! That bastard son of a bitch never called again. And because I had no way of getting ahold of him, I was left on my own. What a drag.
A week after the police sketch was published, news of the dangerous criminal’s arrest came with much fanfare, followed by effusive praise for the wisdom, heroism, and selfiess work of the National Revolutionary Police, the party, the government, the community organizations, and, more generally, the people of the capital, who had remained firm in their resolve, without allowing themselves to be distracted by the enemy, blah blah blah...
As incredible as it may sound, I didn’t tie any of these things together. For me, it was clear — clear as day — that the scarecrow in the photo didn’t exist. For me, if they’d caught anybody, it could only be the real him, the psychopath with the lethal blade, the bastard who so reveled in his telephonic chitchats with me, and who had, unexpectedly, stopped calling. And, as I said, that’s when I panicked. I freaked out. It’s not that I had done anything terrible, nor that I felt responsible for the guy’s deeds. No way! Looking coldly at the facts, what could I be accused of? Of accepting calls from a serial killer at nearly midnight all summer long? Of having heard on numerous occasions the detailed plans for a crime from its perpetrator? Of never having run to turn him in? Well, I suppose that is also a crime, a very serious one. Of course, I could swear and swear again until the end of days that I never believed a word uttered on the phone by that guy, that I always believed those florid and malicious narratives pouring into my little ear were never more than nocturnal jokes, just jokes. Jokes in supremely bad taste, of course. Cruel, stupid, macabre jokes, but no more than that. Regardless of whether the police inspector believed me or not, it would be difficult, if not impossible, to prove the contrary. But I was terrified just the same. Just thinking about it, my hairs stand on end.
The last thing I wanted in this life was to raise the police’s suspicions, to be investigated, to have them sticking their noses in my personal business. I didn’t want them to know I don’t work for the state, that I don’t belong to my block’s Committee for Defense of the Revolution or to any other community organization, that I barely deal with the people in my neighborhood, that the people in my building think I’m weird, that I frequently cheat on my taxes, that my parents live in Israel, that I have an illegal Internet connection, that my brother is gay and lives in New York, that I sometimes do drugs to go to sleep, that my ex-husband is a former political prisoner and now lives in Miami, that I have a nine-millimeter Beretta (which is extremely illegal in this country) stashed in the top drawer of my night table... Basically, I had an abundance of reasons to be scared of the National Revolutionary Police noticing my existence. My anguish was such that, for the first few days after the guy’s arrest, I was utterly paralyzed. I didn’t even try to get rid of the gun. In the end, that turned out to be a good thing, since no one ever came to arrest me, or to attempt to search my apartment, or even to ask me anything about the case, nothing.
To be frank, I have no idea why I went to the trial. At that point, I was pretty serene, completely — or pretty much — recovered from my fright. I wanted to take a look at the guy, even if it was from a distance. What for? Well, maybe just to see the incontrovertible proof that I was right (and not the stupid Granma and the other little newspapers) in terms of what the guy looked like, and then leave the whole terrible story at that. Or who knows — maybe deep down I just wanted to add a little more suspense and drama to my life, since by going I ran the risk that the guy would recognize me and let slip — in public! — all that had been carefully withheld until then. But I wasn’t really sure that he could identify me. I never knew how the devil he’d hit on me, whether by just dialing numbers randomly, or from a phone book stolen from a mutual friend, or by following some numeric or cabalistic criteria, or via some other mysterious formula that I couldn’t decipher. It’s probably unnecessary to state that the guy never bothered to explain any of this to me. He assured me I’d caught his eye — those were his words — a million times, at the movie theater on La Rampa, at Coppelia, at the cafeteria on the first floor of the Focsa building, on the seawall at the Malecón, in an open-air bar across the street from Colón Cemetery... In other words, all places where any Havana resident has been at least once in her life, so that mentioning them didn’t mean anything. One night, I told him I had splendid tits, that I’m a size thirty-eight, and he thought that was great. In fact, he really got into that detail. He loooooved it, as he liked to say. Too bad it wasn’t true! I do have a good ass, but tits, no way. The sad truth is that I’m a size thirty-two, and that’s stretching it. Of course, none of this means anything either. Maybe the guy was just going along with me exactly like I went along with him about his twelve inches.
Just in case, though, I decided to alter my appearance a bit before going to the trial. I straightened my hair and dyed it brown. I dropped a black beret on my head and wore a long leather coat, all the way down to my ankles, and donned a pair of dark glasses with smoky lenses. And to make myself look interesting, I applied a vivid red lipstick. Dressed like a character out of The Matrix (or whatever the hell), I took a taxi to Old Havana and showed up fifteen minutes before the start of the trial at the Provincial Court.
Ufff, they almost didn’t let me in! Outside the building, on Teniente Rey Street, there was an unusual crowd of people, and there was a lot of pushing, kicking, punching, yelling, and a ferocious stink of human flesh in the air. My God! No doubt I’m a warrior, though. I refused to budge. I had to practically break an arm to push my way through the tumult, get in the actual building, and, finally — a little worse for wear with my hair out of place, sweating, and with the beret crumpled into one of the coat’s inside pockets — I arrived at Criminal Court #7. I was in luck: I managed to get a magnificent seat, not too far from the bench where they’d soon sit the most famous criminal of the decade.