“My cousin Aleksandr tells me the way he does that is to give his passengers all the free vodka they can drink,” the Widow Alekseeva explained. “Starting with a shot in their breakfast orange juice. That way they’re not as hungry or as particular when the food is served, and they tend to take greater chances at the crap tables.”
“Whatever he’s doing, Sweaty, he’s doing it right,” Hotelier said.
“Which vessel has been taken temporarily out of service so she may be used to accommodate the guests at our wedding,” Castillo went on. “Which frees her for use in the ‘C. G. Castillo Pirated Ship Recovery Training Program.’”
“How does that involve the SEALs?” Annapolis asked.
“What we’re going to do is have a couple of Delta Force A Teams simulate seizing the Czarina of the Gulf, and then the SEALs will try to take it back. All of this, of course, will be captured on motion cameras, so that we can send the video to President Clendennen to show him how hard we’re working.”
“How are you going to keep the SEALs and the Delta Force people from killing each other?” Radio & TV Stations asked.
“I’m still working on that,” Castillo replied. “The first thing that pops into my mind is taking their knives and other lethal weapons away from them and giving them paintball guns.”
[FOUR]
“I thought I made it perfectly clear, Madam Secretary,” the President said, not at all pleasantly, “that I wanted to see Colonel Castillo and Roscoe J. Danton so they can explain to me what they were doing with the porn queen in Las Vegas.”
“You certainly made that perfectly clear, Mr. President,” Robin Hoboken said. “Didn’t you think he made that perfectly clear, Supervisory Special Agent Mulligan?”
“It was perfectly clear to me,” Mulligan said.
“And this fat Irishman doesn’t look like either of them,” the President said.
“Mr. President,” Secretary Cohen said, “this is Dr. Aloysius Casey.”
“If he’s a doctor, where’s his white coat and that thing that goes in his ears that every doctor I’ve ever seen has hanging around his neck?”
“Good question, Mr. President,” Robin Hoboken said. “How can he possibly be a doctor without that thing that goes in his ears?”
“I’m not a medical doctor, Mr. President,” Aloysius said.
“Then why did she say you were?”
“What I am, Mr. President,” Aloysius announced, “is temporary chairman of the Citizens Committee to Build the Joshua Ezekiel and Belinda-Sue Clendennen Presidential Library and Last Resting Place.”
“Watch it, Mr. President,” Mulligan said. “That sounds pretty fishy to me.”
“And I have with me a cashier’s check in the amount of ten million dollars to get things rolling,” Aloysius said.
He handed the check to the President.
“That’s hard to believe,” Robin Hoboken said.
The President examined the check and then said, “Shut up, Hackensack, I want to hear what ideas Dr. Casey has for my library and last resting place.”
[FIVE]
The screens of television sets tuned to Wolf News were, accompanied by a trumpet blast, suddenly filled with the Arabic numbers 3, 4, and 5 swirling around the globe like satellites.
“Hello there, again,” the voice of Andy McClarren boomed, as his image appeared in a corner of the screen. “This is Andy McClarren, and it’s five o’clock in New York.”
“And this is C. Harry Whelan,” Mr. Whelan intoned, “and it’s four o’clock in Chicago.”
His image, standing on a Chicago street, came onto the screen.
“And this is Bridget O’Shaugnessy,” Miss O’Shaugnessy proclaimed, “and it’s three o’clock in Sin City.”
Her image, showing her sitting with a good deal of shapely thigh showing on the fender of a shiny black Bentley, came onto the screen. The Bentley was parked on the street outside the Elvis Presley Wedding Chapel and Casino, Incorporated.
“And it’s time for Three, Four, and Five,” Mr. McClarren announced. “The big story today is the fifty-million-dollar defamation of character suit filed against Continental Broadcasting and Matthew Christian by adult film star Red Ravisher for this sequence on Hockey Puck. Roll the tape!”
Mr. Christian’s show of very early that morning was replayed for the edification of Wolf News viewers worldwide.
“Now, what’s wrong with that?” Andy asked. “Can you tell us, Bridget? Over to you in Sin City!”
“Why don’t I let Miss Ravisher herself explain that to you, Andy?” Miss O’Shaugnessy replied. “She’s right here with me. Welcome to Three, Four, and Five, Miss Ravisher.”
Miss Ravisher appeared wearing a dress the side slits of which exposed even more thigh than Miss O’Shaugnessy was displaying.
“Thank you for having me.”
“And exactly what is it, Miss Ravisher, about that video recording showing you punching the paparazzo and then throwing him at Wolf News’s distinguished correspondent Roscoe J. Danton that you find offensive? That you think defames your character?”
“There are those kind enough to refer to me as the Ethel Barrymore of the adult film industry. I have been honored with five Hard-Ons, plus the Lifelong Hard-On Achievement Award. I’m proud of that.”
“Perhaps you should have thought of that before you punched that paparazzo gentleman and threw him at Mr. Danton. You should have known that might, as indeed it happened, see you arrested and taken to jail.”
“That wasn’t me, you stupid [BLEEEEP]ing broad! I never met Mr. Danton, and I never threw anybody at him.”
“That wasn’t you?”
“You’re [BLEEP BLEEP]ed right it wasn’t. I wasn’t anywhere near the [BLEEP]ing airport last night.”
“Then how do you explain what happened?”
“I guess that [BLEEP]ing Matthew Christian was into the sauce again. Like he was when he said just looking at the First Lady made him tingle all over.”
“So what do you think happened at the airport?”
“I’ll be [BLEEP BLEEP]ed if I know. All I know is that if I get my hands on that [BLEEP]ing Matthew Christian, I’m going to [BLEE—]”
“Over to you, Andy,” Miss O’Shaugnessy said.
“Thank you, Bridget,” Andy McClarren said. “C. Harry, can you shed any light on this?”
“I’ve checked into this, and my sources tell me that Roscoe J. Danton is in Europe on a story for Wolf News.”
“Well, there was an airplane at the airfield out there, and someone who looks something like Miss Ravisher threw a cameraman at someone who looks something like Roscoe. How do you explain that?”
“Well, it could be a publicity stunt to gain attention for the Hard-On Awards. That’s possible. So far as the airplane is concerned, I checked into that and learned it belongs to a charter operation in Panama City, Panama. I also learned that it left American airspace sometime this afternoon. When I called the charter company in Panama City, I couldn’t get anyone on the line who spoke English.”