“I’m taking you in,” I said, receiving another kick that caught my neck.
“We are definitely not friends,” he said, continuing Cary Grant.
I punched at him as he backed away and hit his kneecap, causing as much damage to my knuckles as his knees. We both groaned.
I thought I had him. Getting to my feet, I stood over him and reached down to grab his wrist as he arched his back and threw another kick. The kick missed but I slipped, backing away, and tumbled into the pool. When I came to the surface, he, she, or it was there to take a swipe at me with the high-heeled shoe. The swipe caught me over the ear, and I went down, gathering what was left of my strength to get out. I made it in about a thousand strokes with the rain trying to push me under. A soaked wool suit didn’t make it easier.
As I touched the rim of the pool, something stung my hand. He had circled the pool and was pounding my hand with the shoe.
In addition to my face, health, and reputation, I was about to lose my life. I let go and pushed back into the pool. Through the water I could see the figure, dripping, holding the shoe and drumming it into his palm, waiting for me to make my next try. Half drowned, I let myself drift back to the other side, knowing what would be waiting for me but having no choice. I managed to kick my own shoes off and drop my gun, which gave me a little hope for the far shore.
I had always wanted to go out by way of a bullet, a beating, or, at worst, a free flight from the top of a medium-size building. This bad joke, however, seemed somewhat right for me. I waited for the next blow, but it never came.
Instead I felt myself being lifted out of the water. Either I had died going across the pool, or the only person I knew in the world who was strong enough to lift a fully clothed, 160-pound soaking wet, dead weight out of a pool had turned up.
“Toby, are you alive?” came the voice of Jeremy Butler in my ear. I had stationed the former pro wrestler and present poet at the front drive of the West house to keep the thief from getting away, but something had brought him to my rescue.
“Alive,” I gasped. I opened my eyes and looked into his craggy face, enjoying the popping of raindrops off his bald head. “Purse. Money.”
“I’ve got it,” he said.
I looked toward the other side of the pool. The thief who had tried to kill me was still there.
“I’m one of the engineer’s thumbs,” the thief shouted.
Right, I thought. You’re an engineer’s thumb with a few screws loose in the locomotive.
“Get him,” I said.
Jeremy set me down gently, handed me the purse, and ran for the far end of the pool. I slumped down and watched, trying for air. By the time he had reached the corner, the voice of Lionel Barrymore had warned me that “you are on the list now, Peters. On the list.”
He was gone into the rain and trees before Jeremy could get to him, but Jeremy followed him into the darkness. I lay there, letting the rain hit my face.
From in front of the house the sound of a starting car engine crashed through the storm. I clutched the purse to my chest and turned my head. A half-dozen dripping Mae Wests were walking toward me. The thief, I thought, had multiplied and returned to finish me off. Then I saw Jeremy break through the sextet.
“Got away,” he said.
“I’ve got an itch that tells me I’d better find him or he’ll find me,” I gasped. Then I passed out, still clutching the white purse to my chest.
The party was over when I woke up. Actually the night was over, too, and the sun was shining into the room at Mae West’s where I had been gently put to bed by Jeremy, who sat in a corner reading a book. I was wearing a pair of purple silk pajamas several dozen sizes too big, probably Dizzy or Daffy’s.
“Jeremy.”
He put his book away and moved to the bed. He was still dressed in the black sweater and pants of the night before.
“Doctor saw you last night,” he said. “He was one of the guests. Said you would probably be all right, but that you should go in for X rays today. I’ll drive you.”
“No X rays,” I said, sitting up with all the pain of a hangover. “I’m afraid of what they’ll find in the past. Besides, I’ve had more X rays than are good for a person in one lifetime.”
“The arrow that kills one often comes from one’s own arrow sheath,” he said.
“What does that mean?” I asked, reaching for his arm to help me up.
“An African proverb,” he said, helping me. “I’ve been studying African poetry. When the war ends, I think there will be a great deal of poetry from Africa.”
“My pants,” I said. He handed them to me, torn and only enough left of them to cover me till I got home. The jacket was a crumpled mess.
“Shoes are still a little soggy,” he said. “Gun is in your glove compartment. I got it from the pool, cleaned and oiled it.”
I took off the pajamas but hadn’t started to dress when Mae West came in wearing a purple silk robe with big white flowers on it. She didn’t hesitate or even turn her head at the sight of a naked private eye.
“The world has used you for one big punching bag,” she marveled. “I’ve never seen a body like that.”
“I’m leaving it to Walter Reed Hospital for research on human abuse.”
“I’ll bet each one of those scars tells quite a story,” she said, crossing her arms and leaning back against the door. “I can see you’re no gymnophile.”
Too tired for modesty, I gave up on the idea of locating my shorts and painfully pulled on my trousers.
“Half of them were presents from Phil,” I grunted, putting on my shirt and crumpled jacket. “The rest are souvenirs.”
“The ones on your stomach?” she said.
“In one side, out the other. One is the gift of a woman who will remain nameless, and the other from a crooked Chicago cop I don’t want to talk about.”
I slumped back against the bed, and Jeremy reached down to grab my arm in case I fell. Mae West stepped forward to help.
“I want to extend my thanks,” she said, “and whatever else you might want extended.”
“Now now,” I said, taking a few deep breaths. “How about thirty bucks expenses and the cost of a new suit, twenty-two-fifty.”
“Done,” she winked.
“Nope,” I said, trying to stand and finding that I could actually manage it. “Don’t think this is going to be done till we cage that nut. He said something about a list. Do you know what he was talking about?”
“Haven’t the slightest,” she said, letting her robe open slightly.
“Said he was an engineer’s thumb,” I went on.
Both Mae West and Jeremy looked blank.
“Never mind. I have a feeling he’ll find us.” I took a few steps and found that it was possible. “I think I’ll drive back to L.A. with Jeremy. Can you have someone bring my car and drop it at my place?”
“One of my boys will do it,” she said.,
“Thanks.”
“My pleasure. Come back and see me sometime.”
I looked at her from the doorway.
“You really use that line.”
“Thought it would give you something to tell the boys about,” she laughed.
“I’ll be in touch,” I said as we made it through the house to the distant chattering of the monkey.
My brain proved it was still connected when I remembered to tell Jeremy to pull the groceries out of my trunk. I dozed off during the ride back to Hollywood, where Jeremy got me to my room on Heliotrope without being spotted by my landlady Mrs. Plaut. He deposited me gently on the mattress on the floor. The mattress was there to give added support to my back, which first went out in 1938 when I was given a bear hug by a massive Negro who was annoyed because I tried to keep him from getting to Mickey Rooney at a premiere.
I thanked Jeremy, convinced him to leave me, and looked around the room to be sure it was there and I was still alive. The sofa with Mrs. Plaut’s white doilies was within reach, and I could see the table with three chairs, the hot plate, sink, small refrigerator, rug, the purple blanket I was lying on with God Bless Us Every One stitched in pink, and the Beech-Nut gum clock I got once as payment for returning a runaway grandma to a guy who owned a pawnshop on Main.