“No.”
“How many did he take down?”
“All three shooters.”
“Dio!” Grandma giving a smile, showing her admiration for that. Dying with a gun in your hand, a bloody carnation on your chest.
Dane figured he'd keep the rest of the story to himself, about the ring and swearing an oath to tell Maria Monticelli that JoJo had always loved her. If Grandma dreamed about it, then fine, but he didn't have to let her know every goddamn thing.
She said, “The.38, it's still under your pillow. I think you should start carrying it. Now that you're walking in on hits, it'll be safer for you. And I shouldn't have to say these things to you. You should know them already, if you want to stay alive.”
“You're right. I will.”
“I told you already, have some of the licorice. Your breath.”
Grandma picked up his empty glass, started for the kitchen, and stopped short. She looked at the video box on top of the television, turned it over in her hands.
She hit the play button on the machine and the movie started from where he'd left off twenty minutes ago, right at the end of the pole-dancing scene. Glory Bishop panting, her hair a wild wet tangle, jugs dripping sweat.
“Madonna!” Grandma Lucia shouted, throwing a hand over her eyes. “What's this you got? A porno movie?”
“It's an action flick with a racy scene in it. I drove her out to Long Island, that actress, yesterday.”
“This putana? This is the clientele you're picking up now? Escorts? You're gonna get arrested again.”
“She's a real actress.”
“Yeah, I'm sure the Academy Award committee is gonna shortlist her.” Walking out of the room, crossing herself, and talking over her shoulder. “You think she'll do that dance at the Oscars?”
He stared at Glory Bishop on the screen, watched her doing her thing again, and thought, Oh, Holy Jesus Christ. It got him going, imagining her in a hot tub with another woman. He rewound the scene and watched it again, and once more.
An intensifying ache expanded within him, trying to free itself with such influence that Dane had to hug his guts in while he shrugged back a grunt of despair. Abruptly, Angelina was sitting beside him.
“You should visit me,” she said. “It'll make you feel better. You don't have anything better to do most days anyway.”
Chewing his tongue and tasting blood, he tried to say her name but couldn't do it. There were a great many words of power in life-common ones, familiar ones somehow too hard for him to speak. He wondered how you did it, died with style, drinking coffee and a sucking wound in your chest.
“You need to go, Angie,” he said, urging her on, trying to shove her through the veil. “You're not doing either of us any good. I don't want you here anymore.”
“Of course you do.”
“No, really.”
“What do you think, I'm gonna play the harp, Johnny? You think that's what it's like over here? You want me to tell you how it is?”
“No.”
“I didn't think so.”
Angelina enjoyed taunting him the way the last person to leave a party cherishes the power of staying too long. She slid up against him, put her head on his shoulder, her hair covering him the way he dreamed of Maria's hair draping over him, even though he couldn't feel it. They sat there watching Glory Bishop distract the terrorists with her tits, the government assassin in the back of the room screwing around with his high-tech laser scopes and shit.
“It's okay,” she told him. “I can make it all right, if you'd only let me help. We're gonna get through this.”
“I'm not so sure most of the time,” Dane said, quietly, hoping his grandmother didn't have her ear against the wall.
His regrets seemed to have sinuous limbs that reached into places where the living couldn't fit. The girl here, always around him. “They're going to come for you soon.”
“Your brothers and the Monti crew?”
“Berto thinks you've been out long enough now. They've been spreading the word around the neighborhood. People are waiting to see what happens.”
“I still don't know why they haven't made their move yet.”
“They're weak,” Angie said with a cute giggle. “And JoJo single-handedly killing three hitters who ambushed him has sort of set them back. They're scared of you. They think you might've learned all kinds of assassin stuff in the army.”
“They watch too many movies,” he said, with the government assassin movie playing out on the television, Glory working her way to her one big action hero line. “What's he got planned for my spectacular exit?”
“I don't know.”
“Vinny isn't saying?”
“Vinny doesn't say anything.”
That didn't sound right. “What do you mean?” Dane asked, but Angie just stared affectionately at him, like she was watching a dog trying to perform a difficult trick.
Berto didn't have much of an imagination, so he'd leave it to Joey Fresco or Big Tommy Bartone. Those guys knew how to whack somebody and make the rest of the town grimace.
“Your mother,” Angie said. “She wants me to tell you something.”
Stopping there, staring at him with sad but loving eyes, waiting to see how it affected him. How important it might be to speak to his mom again.
What the hell did it say about you when the dead looked at you like they wanted to cry?
He knew some guys who walked out the door at sixteen and never looked back. Others, in the joint, who'd whacked their parents for insurance or in a lunatic rage. One huge Nazi Lowrider by the name of Buford, telling his story in the cafeteria one afternoon. Explaining how he'd never gotten over the fact that his mother had thrown all his comic books away. He's thirty-five and firing machine guns with all the other white supremacists up in Michigan. They have a bonfire afterward, where they bring their children out and everybody dances around to kill-the-Jew songs with German lyrics. One of the kids is about eight, wearing a swastika on his sweatshirt and a baseball cap with the Batman symbol on it.
Buford left the rally, drove back down to Indiana, walked into his mom's place, and put nine rounds into her face.
There were insignificant microtraumas that could eventually turn your conscience to dust.
Dane still couldn't get beyond his mother's death and never would, he realized. There was an unmined anguish there that he needed for some reason. Maybe it made him more human when he needed to be that, and more inhuman when he had to become something else.
“What does she want?” Dane whispered. “Why doesn't she visit?”
“She can't. Because you need her too much.”
He watched Angie, wondering if he really could keep her sane in hell, or if she'd gone over the edge. Or if it was just him. “Of course I need her.”
“Too much. If she came back, it would ruin you. Who you are and what you've got left to do. You're always this close to death.”
“Hey, Angie, you think you're telling me something new?”
He could see his ma, languishing day by day, for years. Withering in darkness, tormented by her own body. It made him want to drive a fist inside her and squeeze out whatever was doing this to her. His mother, torn in half, peeling away from the inside out. Dad unable to bear witness, working longer and longer hours.
You can give yourself blood poison by tearing open your scabs. You dig into a scar long enough, it'll crawl forward on its own, cover you up until your mouth, nose, and even your eyes are sealed.
“You should go,” he told the dead girl he'd sort of killed.
“She wants you to know-”
“I don't want to hear.”
“But you do, Johnny, you really do.”
He glared at her, a girl who'd spoken her last words to him, and kept right on speaking them.
“I don't give a shit, Angie. That's enough.”
Glory blowing the guy off the bridge with the rocket. “I'm gonna rock your world, baby!”
“You ever gonna go back to Bed-Stuy and settle the score for me?” Angelina asked.