Emory practically flinched at the words. “Organization mainly.” She turned quickly to the group in explanation. “Sarah actually runs the reorganization branch of Immaculate Home. They do some amazing closet designs. It’s revolutionary what she’s accomplished in such a short time.”
“But back then, I worked for you, cleaning and packing up that house.” Sarah emphasized each word.
“Right. I know.” The smile slowly faded from Emory’s face and she nodded. “You’re great at everything you do.”
Silence followed and Emory felt all eyes boring into her, but her focus was elsewhere. It was clear that the way she handled the situation had upset Sarah, hurt her even, which was the opposite of what she had intended. Her instincts had failed her again.
Barrett graciously picked up the conversation and moved everyone into a teasing discussion about Emory’s new dog that Sarah only half participated in. Eventually, she excused herself to call over to Carmen’s and check on Grace.
Emory found Sarah on the deck a short time later and waited briefly for her to finish her phone call. As she clicked off, she turned to Emory. “I’m so sorry to have to do this, but Grace is allergic to cats, and I forgot to send her allergy medication that lets her be around them. I think it’d be best if I just picked her up from Carmen’s and took her home.”
“I understand. I’d go with you, but—”
Sarah looked around. “You have a house full of people.”
“Right.”
“It’s okay.”
Emory placed her hand on Sarah’s forearm. “Can we talk before you go? About in there.” She inclined her head in the direction of the party.
With the breeze from the beach lifting Sarah’s hair gently, she looked breathtaking and a little sad. “Sure.”
Because there were people nearby, Emory walked them a short distance away from the house to the water’s edge. The sunset was all but gone, but lights from the deck allowed her to see Sarah’s eyes. They seemed to be silently searching hers for some sort of answer.
“I’m sorry. About the conversation back there and how I handled it. You don’t know these girls, but I do and I just didn’t want them to rush to judgment. Mia’s the type of woman who enjoys making other people feel small and I wasn’t going to let her do that to you.”
Sarah seemed to ruminate over the information. She looked skyward before settling her gaze back on Emory with purpose. “Can I let you in on a secret?”
Emory nodded.
“I don’t think I care what people like Mia think of me anymore. Which is new, because I’ve more than cared my entire life. But I no longer feel like that kid in junior high, who just wanted to fit in, and would go to ridiculous lengths to do it. Because since you’ve come into my life, I feel like I’ve learned so much about myself. And for the first time ever, I fit.”
Emory felt that wistful lump rise up in her throat because what Sarah was saying to her was wonderful and terrifying at the same time.
“So I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t need you to take care of me. But it would be nice if you could be proud to have me at your side.”
“I am proud, Sarah. You’re the best person I know. Please don’t doubt that.”
Sarah showed a touch of a smile. “See? Then that’s all I care about. And it’s time for me to start being honest about exactly who I am. With your friends. With my family.”
“Your family?”
“Uh-huh.”
“I don’t know what to say. That’s wonderful.”
Emory felt tears touch her eyes because she was so very proud of Sarah and the strength she saw taking shape within her. Proud and so much more. The well of emotion rushing through her after listening to Sarah was unique, foreign, and undeniable on every level.
Love.
And while the realization should make her want to pull Sarah into her arms and never let her go, instead it made her hesitate. It brought to the forefront everything she knew about herself and all the ways she’d fall short of what Sarah needed. So when she did finally open her mouth to speak, what she said was not at all a reflection of what she felt so firmly within her.
Because it couldn’t be.
“It’s getting late. I’ll walk you out.” She took Sarah’s hand in hers and walked her to the front.
The night hadn’t gone as planned. But Sarah, in her unwavering goodness, had rolled with each and every punch. It was yet another testament to her character. Back when she’d made decisions about her life, she’d never planned on a Sarah. Someone who would make her redefine her definition of just about everything. But here she was, standing in her driveway, looking back at Emory with sparkling hazel eyes. And then a dark reminder flared of the promise she’d made to herself not so very long ago.
Sarah touched her cheek. “I’ll call you tomorrow, birthday girl.”
Emory attempted a smile.
Sarah tilted her head to the side and studied her with concern. “You okay? I can see if my father’s free to pick up Grace. I was just worried that she might—”
“I’m fine. Go take care of your daughter.”
Sarah nodded and leaned in to kiss her good-bye. Emory wrapped her arms around Sarah’s waist and kissed her back for all she was worth, memorizing the moment.
Late that night, long after all the partygoers had finally vacated her home, Emory tossed and turned, but sleep eluded her. Frustrated and looking for something to distract her overly active brain, she crawled out of bed and fumbled through her bedside table. She came across the small canvas book, the last journal. She settled in and let her mother’s words take over.
*
Normally, Sarah loved a free afternoon. She could take hold of the opportunity to organize the chaos that life as a single mother brought with it. And she did, stacking art supplies, unloading the dishwasher, sorting through all the clothes Grace had recently outgrown—all while keeping one eye on her phone.
It’d been two days since Emory’s birthday party and the four text messages and a voice mail she’d left for her had been answered with only one clipped reply.
“Busy week. Will call soon.”
But Emory hadn’t called. And something felt off.
She’d give her one more day before taking matters into her own hands. It was possible that things at the office had truly picked up, and if that was the case she wanted to show Emory she was capable of giving her space to get her job done. She wasn’t a needy person, but she did feel she was owed at least a phone call in response to her messages.
But late the next day when she still hadn’t heard anything from Emory, she arranged for her parents to keep Grace an extra hour after work.
*
The sun slanted low in the sky as Emory set out for a walk along the shoreline to clear her head. She’d come home earlier than usual from the office, as the ever doubling pile of work on her desk couldn’t seem to hold her attention. There was too much on her mind. Once home, she’d swapped her business suit for a pair of cutoffs and a T-shirt. As she put on her shoes, Walter watched from a few feet away and panted hopefully as if his dream might actually come to fruition. “Come on, buddy,” she said, inspiring vertical leaping and all sorts of celebratory whining.
It was a clear September evening on the beach, and Emory was relieved to find she had it mostly to herself. The setting sun caught the water’s surface, and seagulls soared on the breeze overhead. Walter had tons of energy to burn and panted happily as they walked, but Emory couldn’t identify. She’d been ineffective at work all week and had carefully avoided contact with Sarah, no matter how bad she felt about that.
She’d needed the time. Her life over the past few months had been nearly unrecognizable. She’d let herself get carried away into a place she had no business inhabiting. It had been selfish of her. Sarah deserved someone who was capable of giving everything of herself and then some, and Emory just wasn’t equipped. Her mother’s words had reminded her of that just the other night.
“I was studying a photo of my father this afternoon and remarked how similar my brother looks to him now. Genetics is the most intriguing thing. My own daughters are the perfect example. Vanessa is an outgoing girl, the type who surrounds herself with the kind of people who can take her places. She takes joy in life, sometimes at the expense of others. In essence, she’s her father’s daughter to a tee.
Emory, on the other hand, is like me. She keeps people at a distance and always has. While incredibly talented and articulate, she’s a hard person to know and always has been. She seems to have discovered what I never did and has chosen a life on her own, thereby leaving less damage in her wake. Sometimes, it’s like looking in a mirror.”
It had been hard to read.
And while her mother was certainly not the foremost authority on her life, she had to hand it to her. Her points were valid. Emory came from a long line of emotionally stunted women. Her mother was distant and unavailable. Her sister was an irresponsible parent who had raised a pair of morally bankrupt elitists. And while she had opened herself up more to Sarah and Grace than anyone else in her life, what would happen in the long term? What hope did she really have? Who was she destined to become? She’d crashed and burned after two years with Lucy. She couldn’t take Sarah down that road.
She wouldn’t.
She started for home and didn’t argue when Walter ran on ahead. When she arrived, she found him flopped gleefully on the deck in front of Sarah, his fur sandy and wet from the run. Sarah stroked his blatantly exposed stomach with affectionate vigor, before lifting her eyes to Emory. “I thought I might find you out here. Car was in the driveway, but no answer.” She was smiling and Emory tried to smile back.
She lifted a shoulder and let it drop. “You found me.”
Sarah studied her as she continued to pet Walter. “You’ve pulled quite a disappearing act lately. New hobby?” Sarah was attempting to be lighthearted, but Emory could sense her unease.
She sat on the steps next to her. “I’ve been busy. It’s been crazy at the office.”
“And yet…” Sarah checked her watch. “It’s five twenty and you’re already home and changed.” There was no hint of accusation in her voice, just a quiet observation. They stared out at the tide as the palpable silence grew and grew. Finally, “What’s up, Em? Don’t you think it’s time you told me? Communicated in some way?”
She nodded, knowing it was. “I can’t do this anymore, Sarah. I knew going in that it would be too difficult to combine our lives and it is.” It was a lie. Or at the very least, an oversimplification of the facts.
Sarah didn’t say anything. And then finally, “So that’s it? Just like that, huh?” She nodded, seeming to let the words settle.
Emory couldn’t look at her. If she did, she would lose her resolve. “My lifestyle is fast-paced, unpredictable, and that’s what I need it to be. And that doesn’t work—”
“With an eight-year-old?”
She hated the way it sounded and swallowed hard. “Yeah. I can’t be a parent, Sarah. I’m not the kind of person who does well tied down.”
Sarah shook her head. “Emory, this isn’t you.”
“But it is. That’s what I’m finally trying to explain. I warned you from the beginning this wouldn’t work between us. We burned hard and bright these past couple of months, but that can only last so long.” She forgot herself then, and allowed her eyes to settle on Sarah’s. A mistake. The clarity of emotion looking back at her was almost enough to make her take it all back. Almost. Her voice, full of apology, began to tremble as she continued because it was the hardest thing she’d ever had to do. “I care about you, Sarah. I just can’t see you anymore. Please explain to Grace.”
“Don’t do this.”
Emory stood and took a few steps off the deck, hoping the distance would help. “Please try to understand. Our lives don’t fit together the way they should.” Because if she told her the truth, if she had told Sarah she loved her but would be a horrible mother, Sarah would disagree. Want her to try.
“Em, look at me.” She did, but it was hard because Sarah’s eyes were brimming. “Finding you has been like a dream come true for me in more ways than one. Before I met you, I had no idea I was capable of feeling what you make me feel. So I guess that makes you my impossible fantasy, Emory. But I need you to want us too.”
“I just can’t,” Emory whispered.
“Then you’ve broken my heart.” With that, she turned to go, and in a moment of panic for what she was giving up, Emory felt herself waver.
“Sarah, wait.” But she didn’t. She kept walking. “Wait. Where are you going?”
She turned back briefly. “I’m walking away. You should recognize what that looks like.” Those hazel eyes that had once smiled so magically were now guarded, closed to her, and the understanding slashed through her like a razor blade.
Emory stood alone, staring blankly at her cold, sterile house with new eyes. Finally, she slid down onto the steps where she sat alone and numb for several hours.
It wasn’t until the next morning that she found the two neatly wrapped green and white striped birthday presents that were left for her on her front porch.