“Shakroun was not aware of the revolutionary nature of my words. He didn’t know that I had become the king of kings and could do whatever I wanted. I was intoxicated with an outpouring of red madness.
“The glass of milk established a silken but fatal link between Marwana and me. When I again asked for milk, I accidentally touched her fingertips as I took the glass from her and said, ‘You are generous, Marwana!’
“She gathered her veil around her head and glanced at me mischievously. I said to her very softly, ‘Your eyes are so beautiful!’ As she was turning away, I added, ‘I come here for you only.’
“The mother stopped weaving and stood up. Taking a pebble from the ground, she threw it far away, in the direction of the mountain. As I watched her, surprised, she explained, ‘It is a good way to scare away reptiles and insects.’
“I said, distrustfully, ‘God is the best protector.’ She replied forcefully, ‘It is incumbent upon us to fight evil with the language it understands.’”
Jaafar laughed and said to me, “Believe everything I am telling you without hesitation. Do not be fooled by my present appearance. Whoever sees me now thinks that I was born in a dumpster and my only actions have been those connected to vomiting. Tell me, what do you think of love?”
I was taken aback by the difficult nature of the question and said, “Love is what it is. I believe everything people say about it.”
“Do you also believe that it is a miracle maker and produces wonders?” he asked.
“I do. I am not a greenhorn, but tell me about your love, Jaafar. How was it? A barefoot shepherdess is bound to make one’s blood boil!”
Jaafar confirmed my words. “That is how it was: a call for blood, a loud call that led to action, to madness and destruction. It invaded one’s life through doors and windows and led to crimes and suicide.”
Surprised, I said, “But you were one of God’s holy men.”
“In order to understand my experience, imagine that you suddenly lost your memory and became a new person.”
“I thought that a person changes gradually.”
“Not me. I change from one extreme to another, suddenly!”
I offered an explanation. “Many things can, undoubtedly, happen in the obscure regions of your subconscious.”
He had his own explanation. “Man invents logic, but surpasses it in his life. Nature, my dear man, makes use of impetuosity as well as evolution!”
“Go on. Let me hear what you have to say, Jaafar.”
He continued: “One day, my grandfather invited me to sit with him, then inquired about my studies. I understood immediately that he had asked me to join him for another reason, since my teachers were informing him about my exceptional progress. I reassured him about my earnestness and my aim to always please him. ‘But the road is long and full of hardships,’ he said. I replied with affected enthusiasm, ‘A believer is not deterred by the road ahead.’
“‘Fine words, but good deeds are more important than fine words.’
“‘This is true.’
“He hesitated for a few seconds then said, ‘There are things that call for some consideration. I had a dream, and when I woke I made up my mind to do something about it.’
“‘What is that dream, Grandfather?’ I asked.
“‘It is of no importance, and dreams are easily forgotten, but what counts is the decision I made.’
“I asked if it concerned me. ‘Of course,’ he said, ‘and you will be happy with it. I decided to marry you to an honorable girl.’
“I was shocked and dumbfounded. I told myself that the man knew everything. How had I ever thought that an unusual evening stroll by al-Rawi’s grandson wouldn’t attract attention and provoke comments? Many would volunteer to inform my grandfather. He definitely knew everything and was trying to salvage what he could.
“‘Anything wrong, my son?’ he asked.
“‘The idea had not crossed my mind,’ I replied.
“‘Think about it then.’ And he added, ‘A number of young men do not marry, for reasons beyond their control, but God has given you the means to marry. So what is the point of delaying what is considered half your religious duty?’
“‘Give me time to think about the matter.’
“‘I will choose an exceptional bride and will let you decide.’
“I went back to my room in a state of extreme anger, unable to sleep. I heard the dawn call to prayer and felt a surge of enormous energy, with a strong desire to attack the walls and destroy them. The giant inside me was released and eager for confrontation, determined to get his girl at the expense of the whole neighborhood, not just the palace. I invoked my mother and my father, and my anger against my grandfather was limitless as I considered his continual tendency to control and repress others. In my state of perplexity, as conflicting thoughts fought for control, a dialogue began between me and my grandfather. I can’t be sure whether it was in a dream, a delusional condition of the night, or a state between sleep and awakening. I said to him, ‘Grandfather, I refuse.’
“‘You turn down my generosity?’
“‘I am against repression.’
“‘Even coming from me?’
“‘Even from you.’
“‘You are ungrateful. You turn down beauty and purity in exchange for what?’
“‘Freedom!’
“‘The shepherdess,’ he said.
“‘I follow the call of blood, the life of a vagabond, and fresh air.’
“‘It is rather the madness that leads the crazy individuals out of my old house.’
“‘True felicity is in a state of madness,’ I told him.
“‘You are your parents’ child.’
“‘I will take pride in that forever.’
“‘Part of you wants to take revenge on me.’
“‘I do not want to think, so let me act.’
“‘What about your clothing, the gibba and the quftan?’
“‘I will get rid of them immediately.’
“‘You are reneging, then!’
“‘I do not want religion to be a profession.’
“‘What do you want to do then?’
“‘I want to practice love, madness, and murder!’
“I believe that through this dialogue I clearly expressed my feelings. When I shared my secrets with Muhammad Shakroun, he was shocked, and could not believe his ears. When he understood that I was serious, he asked me, ‘Do you truly turn down your grandfather’s offer for Marwana’s sake?’
“I replied affirmatively. But he went on, ‘Would you leave the house for the sake of a shepherdess?’
“‘I would.’
“He asked again, ‘What does this all mean?’
“I told him, ‘Consider me crazy if you want.’
“He was concerned: ‘Don’t you fear that he’ll deprive you of your inheritance and you’ll end up a pauper?’
“‘It’s possible,’ I said.
“‘No woman deserves such a huge sacrifice,’ said Shakroun. I took his words lightly, making fun of them. ‘I do not understand you,’ he said.
“‘There is nothing to understand,’ I said. ‘It is reality.’
“‘How do you explain it? Is there a secret?’
“‘It is a splendid madness, and I am mesmerized by it.’
“He advised me to be patient, in hopes of finding a compromise, but I objected, saying that I disliked compromise. He offered another solution: ‘You can remain in your grandfather’s care. Pursue your education and experience your mad love.’
“‘No. No. These are very contradictory matters and I have made my choice.’
“‘What have you chosen?’
“I informed him of my decision to leave my grandfather’s house as well as al-Azhar. He said it was not necessary, so I explained my position. ‘It is imperative. I will lead a new life. Otherwise, I will be expelled from both places.’ Shakroun was convinced I had been hit by the evil eye, so I explained further: ‘Only a divine person can live in my grandfather’s house. As for al-Azhar, I never wanted to turn it into a profession. Faith does not require all these complications.’