“My grandfather ignored his words completely, which led Shakroun to add, ‘He begins a new life with the honorable Huda Hanim Sadeeq.’
“My grandfather went on ignoring Shakroun’s words and talked about something else that had nothing to do with me. ‘Despite his attitude,’ Shakroun went on to say, ‘he seemed moved, and his emotion was visible in the way he held his rosary when your name was mentioned.’ Shakroun advised me to take my firstborn baby to my grandfather and ask for his blessings. But I did not care about my grandfather’s blessings. I was still very angry with him.
“My second honeymoon went well, filled with days of pure emotions and love. It was a time for both of us to enjoy a happy vacation before delving into an active life.
“I found myself comparing Marwana and Huda, two very different women. Marwana was a genius in the games of the body, whereas Huda raised the body to the level of the heart. Her passion was not fiery, but it provided me with a sense of security, of stability and endurance. Yet, despite this overflow of sentiment and flooding affection, I missed Marwana’s eternal hell.
“So when Huda said, ‘I wouldn’t like you to be one more day without work,’ her words couldn’t have come at a better time.
“I kissed her, grateful. She added cautiously, ‘Even managing my estate is not considered a convincing job, and is not an activity that would satisfy my ambition for you.’
“I asked gently, ‘You have an ambition, then?’
“‘Wouldn’t you like to complete your studies at al-Azhar?’
“My refusal was categorical.
“‘Why then did your grandfather push you in that direction?’ she asked.
“‘He has a special way of thinking. One day I will tell you how he views a godly human being.’
“She resumed: ‘I will tell you frankly what I have in mind. I would like you to study at home.’
“‘Take regular classes?’ I asked.
“‘Yes, until you get your high-school degree. Then I would like you to study for a higher degree, maybe specializing in law and working as a lawyer.’
“‘I would need ten years,’ I said.
“‘Why not? Studying is in itself a kind of work. You are only twenty-five years old. This will be an advantage, making it easy for you to learn your lessons.’
“I liked the idea. ‘I like studying,’ I said, ‘and I do not care about the years I lost. Besides, I want to work, but I do not want to be in a regular office job.’
“I began my studies with a new enthusiasm. I left the age of covert and real unemployment and entered the world of learning, which made me forget that I was a husband without work. I did not consider running Huda’s estate true work, since it consisted primarily in collecting the rent, supervising some repairs and renovations, and appointing lawyers whenever needed.
“I achieved huge progress in my studies, with the occasional help of some instructors. During my free time I went with Huda to the theater and the music halls, which she loved very much. I continued drinking, despite her dislike for alcohol, but I did not get drunk, a state she despised. She made me promise to give up drugs, and whenever she saw me in Shakroun’s company she reminded me of my promise. I did give them up, relying on my strong will to get me through that delicate period. Amused, Muhammad Shakroun made the following comment on my behavior: ‘You can be a devil when boisterous and an angel when straight.’
“‘I am determined to be somebody,’ I said.
“I lived a wonderful life that reminded me of my happy days with my mother’s legend and the clarity of purpose I experienced in my grandfather’s house, but sometimes I was overcome with anxiety, due to my strong desire for self-accomplishment. I wanted to be somebody, but I did not know what. A knowledgeable and successful lawyer? I was enamored of the various topics I was studying and assimilated them well, with the capability of a mature person. I was attracted to them more than I had been to the religious subjects, and I learned more than was required, delving deep into various branches of knowledge. I read extensively on history, philosophy, psychology, and sociology. I was filled with a love for the truth.”
Jaafar laughed loudly. “Imagine,” he said, “the journey from the dreams of the jinn to the love of truth! What do you think?”
“It is a great journey,” I said.
He went on.
“I was especially attracted to the scientific method, which contributes to the achievement of the highest degree of precision, objectivity, and integrity. Are we capable of thinking in the same way in relation to all matters in life, in order to know society, country, religion, and politics with the same precision, integrity, and objectivity?
“Huda was helping me. She was educated and had a degree from a foreign school. She had studied the foundations of science, mathematics, literature, and languages; she had studied the Arabic language with a private tutor. She was very bright and understood her lessons well. She helped me more than any teacher. She would tell me, ‘A degree in itself does not matter, but it is the only acceptable way to get a job. It also gives education a more serious character.’
“She continued to help me even after her mood changed due to her pregnancy and morning sickness. We were bound together, despite our age difference and the different natures of our education. Our love grew stronger with time and was not at the mercy of whims and violent reactions.
“My life went from chaos and drug addiction to the serene life of a couple motivated by a limitless desire for knowledge. I followed a rigorous discipline that helped me shed my false semblance of freedom. It opened for me the gates of an enlightened freedom, the sort that allows a person to transcend himself through awareness, the kind of awareness that the free man appreciates, even when he perceives more powerfully the tragic nature of the unknown.”
At that moment I interrupted Jaafar with a specific request. “Tell me about your experience with truth, freedom, and tragedy.”
He laughed and asked, “Who are you talking to? You are talking to a person who does not exist anymore, a person with nothing left of him but the wasteland you see sitting with you at the Wadud Café, in al-Bab al-Akhdar. He died. I have, in fact, buried more than one personality who lived in my body, and nothing is left but this wasteland.” He laughed again. “It is, nevertheless, a wasteland rich in antiquities.”
He cleared his throat and said, “I loved the mind passionately, I venerated it, and that led me to the love of truth. The mind works with logic, observation, and experience to reach a pure judgment, totally free of any impediment to logic, observation, and experience. This is what I called truth.
“The mind is a relatively new creation when compared to instincts and feelings. The human being is linked to life through an instinct, and it is an instinct that connects him to existence and to the reproduction of the species. The mind plays the role of the smart servant in all that.
“Well, how can the situation be reversed? In other words, how can the mind be the first to decide and then use the instincts to serve its purpose? Can a person be convinced by a necessity, then decide to kill himself? Those who are motivated by their instincts to kill are myriad, but no one has ever killed because he was motivated by pure, sincere, and stainless thoughts. As a result, I loved the mind passionately and dreamed all the time of its absolute supremacy. I considered it the most sublime divine gift we had received. I envisioned it as the sole motivator for our existence — its sole aim, with only the mind as an inspiration for our conduct. I dreamed of a life where the mind reigned supreme, and the instincts would nestle down in obedience and submission. I wished we could erase from our culture sentences such as ‘I know in my heart,’ ‘my feelings inspired me,’ and ‘the existential expression of life.’