A: Yes.
Q: Then tell me what you feel. You see that dog as though it was happening right now, don’t you? Feel that feeling that you got when you saw that big, brown German Shepherd dog. Feel it. Then if there is something that you want to say, say it. But feel that feeling.
A: I know I’ve been there before.
Q: You know that you’ve been there before?
A: And I know that I was scared when I was there before.
Q: I want you to give me your best hunch what scared you. What scared you? First thought! First thought!
A: That we were going to get caught.
Q: Going to get caught? What would you be caught about?
A: Just being there.
Q: Be caught for being there? Why would that be bad? Why would anyone want to catch you for being there?
A: I don’t know.
Q: You don’t know?
A: I could guess, but I really don’t know.
Q: All right. Would you be willing to guess for me?
A: Uh-huh. I thought about it and after we left the house to drive me home, Roy told me that the murder happened just straight up the hill from the house and that the lady there had German Shepherds and they were acting up that night and she saw a girl running away. So maybe I thought it was me.
Q: But you were scared before Roy told you.
A: Yes.
Q: So how could you be scared if you didn’t know about the dogs yet?
A: I don’t know.
Q: You said “we were going to get caught.” Why we?
A: That’s funny.
Q: What?
A: Well, when I was there-in the driveway-I had the feeling like I was there twice. And once it was in a car.
Q: Oh, you mean you were up that driveway by that house in a car. Were you worrying about being caught because it was after the murder?
A: I don’t know when it was. All I can remember is just driving into the driveway and I think I was in the back seat of a car and it seemed like there was someone with me in the back.
Q: Did they pick you up on the road after you ran down the hill?
A: I can’t remember!
Q: Relax, Esther. That’s fine. Let it come! Let it come! Just let it come! I’m right here.
A: I can’t. (Screaming, crying.)
Q: Let it come. I’m right here. Let it all come out of your system. Let all of that feeling leave now. Let it all come out naturally and properly.
A: I can’t think. (Still crying.)
Q: All right. It’s all right. You’re doing a nice job. Don’t worry about thinking for a few moments.
(Still crying for a few moments.)
Q: Are you all right now?
A: I can’t remember. I can’t. I can’t remember.
Q: If you can’t recall…
A: I just can’t.
Q: I really appreciate your trying. You know that, don’t you, Esther?
A: If I could only get it out.
Q: Get what out?
A: Huh?
Q: What do you want to get out?
A: I…I just meant. To see if it really happened or if it didn’t. Sometimes I get confused, because we would go to the park all the time when I was in high school and I can’t remember if I’m remembering something I really did or if it’s from the murder.
Q: You’ve been to the meadow before?
A: I have been there over and over and over.
Q: I wanted to clear that up. You went there to pitch woo or something…and…
A: We went up there all the time to party and drink. It was a real good place to play spooks on Halloween because it was real spooky up there anyway. I used to go up there almost every Halloween, scare each other, run through the woods. Stuff like that. Only it didn’t seem familiar from that when I was in the driveway. It was so funny…that feeling…I know I’m afraid to remember.
Q: Well, I don’t blame you. I think I would be afraid to remember too.
A: It’s like I feel when I’m dreaming and I wake up. I can see the dream a little, but I can’t remember it.
Q: You are dreaming about this?
A: A little.
Q: Tell me about your dreams.
A: Sometimes I see Richie’s face. It’s covered in blood like in the picture Mr. Shindler showed me. Then I’m running. Whatever has happened has happened already and I run down the hill. And there is someone running with me and I think it is a girl. It didn’t seem like I was being chased. Just running. And then we are in a car. In the back seat.
Q: Can you see the girl’s face?
A: No. I woke up.
Q: Have you dreamed this more than once?
A: Twice since we went to the park last week.
Q: Do these dreams upset you?
A: Yes.
Q: How do you feel when you wake up from one of these dreams?
A: My heart is beating very fast and I can’t breathe. The first time I thought it was real for a moment.
Q: And you have never had these dreams before?
A: Well, I did once or twice.
Q: I thought you said it was since the park. When Roy drove you there.
A: Yes, but I have dreamed about the face. My Mom can tell you. When I was living home.
Q: Okay. Well, Esther, we have had a tiring session today. You have tried very hard and I am proud of you. Now, I am going to tell you something that will help you the next time that you wake up and you are afraid because of one of these dreams or whenever you are under pressure or begin to doubt that you are the strong, mature woman that we know you are. A woman capable of raising a child by herself. Of making it on her own. We can see that you are becoming the strong, confident person that you know you can be.
Now, the next time you are afraid, either here or at home or anywhere, I want you to relax and remember the feeling of my hand on your wrist. You don’t have to see the wrist or close your eyes or anything like that. Just remember how it feels and soon your hand will move toward your face and you will feel comfortable and relaxed and all of your tension will be gone.
Now, I want you to promise me that you will practice this at home. You can do it anytime you want. In your bedroom, while you watch TV. Will you promise me that you will practice?
A: Yes.
Q: Good. Now, in a few moments you are going to awaken from your trance, feeling refreshed, feeling strong and confident…
“Eddie!” Gary Barrick yelled, when he spotted Eddie Toller at the other end of the bar. The smoke was heavy in the Satin Slipper and the dim light distorted the features of the young, curly-haired man who was rising from his stool.
“Goddamn!” Eddie said, when he saw who had called his name. “How the hell you been?”
The two men smiled and shook hands vigorously.
“You’re lookin’ prosperous for a guy who’s only been out of the joint a couple of months.”
“Hey,” Eddie said, looking around to see if anyone had heard Gary’s remark. “Keep it down. Most people here don’t know I’ve been in prison.”
“Sorry, Eddie. What are you doin’?”
“I work here. I’m assistant manager,” he said with a trace of pride.
“No shit! That’s great. I’m glad things are workin’ for you.”
“Yeah, well it’s okay.” He shrugged. “How about you?”
Gary grinned.
“Same old thing. I ain’t got a job now, but I’m lookin’.”
Eddie motioned Gary to an empty booth and signaled for a waitress. A good-looking blonde with long legs swayed over to the table.
“What can I get you, Eddie?” she asked.
“Nothing for me, but it’s on the house for my friend. What are you drinking, Gary?”
Gary ordered and the blonde wiggled away.
“That’s all right,” Gary said, impressed. “You gettin’ any of that?”
“Sheila? No. I got my own girl. She works in the lounge, but she’s off tonight. When did you get into town?”
“Last month.”
“You got a place to stay?”
“Yeah. I’m with a chick I met. We’ll have to double, huh.”
Sheila returned with Gary’s drink and Gary and Eddie reminisced about the year they had spent as cellmates.
“So you’re straight now?” Gary asked.
“Yeah. I don’t mess around. Joyce and me are going to get married as soon as I save enough bread.”