The cool, impersonal kiss. The cool, impersonal way she’d looked at him. There had been something in her quick exit that gave him the sinking feeling she wasn’t simply running to fix her work problem. It was more like she was running away from him. And his invitation to spend some time together on Christmas Day. That invite had definitely been a mistake as it had clearly freaked her out. He’d practically seen the wall she’d immediately erected between them. Not that she hadn’t had one there all along, but at least that barrier had contained a few weak spots, ones he’d held out hope of soon scaling.
She was upset about more than a work emergency. Something she hadn’t told him. Something he strongly sensed he wasn’t going to like. He’d wanted to ask her last night, but had forced himself to let her go, telling himself they’d have time to discuss it in the morning, after she fixed her work problem.
He’d spent the restless night trying to convince himself he was reading too much into her reaction to his invitation. To her lack of warmth when she left. That she’d been upset and distracted. But no matter how hard he tried to persuade himself, he couldn’t untie the knot of apprehension squeezing his insides.
Well, in just a minute he’d find out one way or another whether his gut instincts were right. He just hoped to hell they were wrong.
Brad jogged the last few steps across the street, and holding the cardboard coffee caddy in one hand, tapped on Blooming Pails’s glass door. Toni looked up and hesitated. And in that brief hesitation, a feeling of dread suffused him.
She came around the counter slowly, as if reluctant to do so, and approached the entrance. He tried to ignore the fact that she didn’t look at him. Not until she’d unlocked the door. “Hi,” she said.
He told himself the reason she didn’t smile was because she was clearly exhausted. “Good morning,” he said. “Merry Christmas Eve. I come bearing gifts.” He handed her one of the coffees.
That brought a slight uplifting of one corner of her mouth. “Thanks.”
Unable to keep from touching her, he brushed a fingertip over the violet shadows beneath her eyes. “How’s it going?”
“If nothing disastrous happens, I’ll finish about thirty seconds before the van arrives to pick up the order.”
“And you thought you’d be crunched for time.”
She gave a weak laugh. “Yeah. Silly me.”
“Is Jayne here?”
“She stayed until I left for the flower mart a few hours ago. The poor girl was exhausted.”
“You must be, too.”
“I am. But I’m not five months pregnant.”
A silence that felt distinctly uncomfortable to him swelled between them. Finally, unable to stand it any longer, he said, “Something’s wrong.”
The fact that she didn’t immediately deny it confirmed his worst suspicions. She looked at the floor, then raised her gaze back to his. What he saw in her eyes-or rather what he didn’t see there-tightened the knot in his gut. He knew damn well what was coming.
“Brad…I…” She blew out a long breath. “I think you’re a great guy and I’ve enjoyed the time we’ve spent together, but I can’t do it anymore.”
His knotted stomach seemed to drop to the floor. “If this is because I asked you to spend Christmas with me-”
“No, it’s not that. Not really, although that forcibly reminded me that we want different things. I told you from the start I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, yet that seems to be the direction we were heading.”
“And would that really be so terrible?”
“I foolishly allowed myself to think maybe it wouldn’t. But yes, it would. At least for now. This fiasco with the order…it was totally my fault because I was focused on you rather than on what was important.”
Hurt-and dammit, anger-slapped him. “Gee, thanks.”
She shook her head. “I’m sorry, that sounded bad.”
“I don’t think there’d be a way to make it sound good.”
She pressed her lips together, then shook her head. “No, I suppose not. The bottom line is that I don’t have the time or energy to devote to a relationship now. By doing so, I nearly caused irreparable harm to my business and at this point I can’t afford that.”
“Everyone makes mistakes, Toni.”
“Yes. And my first one was allowing a one-night stand to continue for more than one night.”
She couldn’t have cut him more effectively if she’d plunged a knife into his chest. But that wound also pushed his anger closer to the surface. Anger at himself for not being able just to walk away. And at her, for not giving them, him, a fair chance.
“You’re blaming me for this order screwup?”
“No. I’m blaming myself. For allowing myself to-”
“To what? Feel? Care? Get involved?”
She pressed her lips together then gave a tight nod. “Yes. I don’t want…this. Whatever it is that’s happened between us.”
“Then what, exactly, do you want?”
“For my business to succeed. For the bank review to go well. Not to lose everything I’ve worked so hard for.”
“What about other than your business? What do you want for you? Your life outside Blooming Pails?”
His question clearly brought her up short. She blinked, hesitated, then frowned, and he wished like hell he knew what she was thinking. Finally, she said, “For right now I don’t have a life outside Blooming Pails. I failed at my last career and I’ll be damned if I’ll fail at this one.”
“You didn’t fail at being a firefighter, Toni. Firefighting failed you.”
“Maybe. But I still feel as if I have something to prove. To myself. That I can be successful on my own. And to my family, who, as I told you, in spite of their love for me, on some level wants me to fail here so I’ll come home to them and the family business. Which I refuse to do. Which means I can’t afford any more mistakes. Or distractions. Which means there can’t be any more me and you. It’s too much. Too fast. Too soon.”
He pulled in a slow breath, then said quietly, “You know, I wasn’t looking for this, either. But I’m willing to play the hand I was dealt here. I’m willing to make the time to find a way to make this work.”
“Which is where we differ, because for right now, I’m not willing. I just can’t.”
A muscle ticked in his clenched jaw. “You mean you won’t.”
“All right, I won’t. I have too much at stake, too much riding on the success of my business. The bank review is only three months away. I need to keep my priorities straight. This mess…” she waved her hand to encompass the multitude of arrangements she was working on “…happened because I didn’t.”
“So you turn off your feelings, just like that,” he said, his voice tight. “Or are you prepared to look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t have any for me?”
Her already pale face went a shade whiter, and finally something flickered in her eyes. But instead of the warmth and caring he’d hoped to see, it was regret. “I…Of course I like you. You’re…a great guy.”
He stood frozen in place. “But…?”
“But the timing isn’t right for me. I’m sorry, but I can’t be with you, with anyone, right now.”
“Not right now?” His anger and frustration came through in his clipped words. “Then when, Toni? When will it be convenient for you?”
“I-I don’t know. I need time-”
“How much time? Two weeks? A month? Three months? After the bank review? Or will you tack on a few more months after that?
Resentment flashed in her eyes. “You’re pressuring me.”
“Maybe you need to be pressured.”
“No, I don’t. As for a time frame, I simply don’t know. All I do know is that I’m not prepared to continue our…whatever you want to call it now. And naturally I don’t expect you to wait around until I figure out when I might be ready.”