I was trying to kill the thing that was there, the thing that was strangling me, and I wanted to burn every thought I’d ever had out of my head.
The stuff went down but it wouldn’t stay. I got to the bathroom just in time. Everything came up and it almost tore me to pieces. After a while I went back to bed. My heart was pumping heavily. What I thought about I’ll never know. Things were just flickering into my mind, little splintered thoughts that made me twist and moan and dig my fingers into my face.
A long time must have passed. I didn’t think about anything going wrong. That was funny. I knew it would work.
The room was quiet and dark but inside my mind there were noises and lights that seemed louder and brighter than anything in the world. I saw the shine of Alice’s eyes, and Harrigan’s tired, thin face and behind them stood Banghart, looking at me with his cold half-smile. Their voices seemed to be all around me, louder and louder, but they weren’t speaking words, and over them I could hear the blonde’s little giggle and underneath everything, swelling up and up, was the splintering chatter of machine guns.
I scrambled up from the bed and snapped on a light. The noises and faces faded away, and I put both hands tightly against my face and sat on the edge of the bed. Time must have passed.
When the phone rang I knew that it was all over. I picked it up and put it to my ear.
“Johnny? This is Harrigan.”
“Yeah?”
“Johnny, I got bad news for you. I hate to be the one to tell you, but — Your girl was killed about an hour ago. She was driving southwest on Archer Avenue in your car.”
I started to cry. I knew it was going to happen. I was the one who had made it happen but I started to cry.
He heard it, I guess, because he said, “I’m sorry as hell, Johnny. I was at the morgue when they brought her in. That’s why I called you. I... I want to talk to you about it.”
“All right. I’ll come down. Was it an accident?” I had to ask that question.
“No, it wasn’t Johnny. That’s why I want to see you. She was killed by some hoods. They let her have it with a machine gun just the other side of Springfield avenue. Can you get down right away?”
“I’ll be out,” I said.
I got up off the bed and I was shaking so I could hardly keep on my feet. For a moment I thought I would be sick again, but it passed, and I went in and got washed. When I dried my face and looked in the mirror I was clean. I hadn’t expected to look clean.
Chapter XV
I took a cab out to the morgue. The rain was still coming down and the streets were black and shiny. I went downstairs to the iceboxes. The morgue has the kind of smell you would expect. The floors are made of rough concrete and the lights are strong and white.
Harrigan was standing at the double doors leading to the iceboxes. When I saw who was with him I felt things inside me turn over. It was her old man. He was wearing his good dark suit and it was wet and a little steam was coming up from the shoulders. He was smoking his pipe in short little puffs, but his face was just the same, like something cut out of wood and covered with leather.
He looked at me and then back at the floor without saying a word.
Harrigan said, “I’m sorry, Johnny.”
I didn’t say anything.
“Well, let’s go in,” he said.
He pushed open the door and we followed him into the big room where the bodies are kept in refrigerated boxes. There must have been a couple of hundred boxes in there with neat little tags on the handles, and the lights are brighter than outside and there’s a trough around the wall for the water to run out when they hose down the floor.
A morgue attendant swung one of the doors open and rolled out a slab. They slide out like ice cube trays and the rollers must be well oiled because you can’t hear any creaking.
I don’t know how long we stood there looking at her. I couldn’t look at anything but the knotted drawstrings that pulled the hood tight about her face. The knots were still there, nice and tight.
The old man made a noise in his throat and then he suddenly pushed himself in front of me and spread his arms out wide as if to keep me from looking at her.
“You killed her,” he cried. His face was still the same, hard and lined and rough, but his voice sounded like something was tearing. “You come around with your big car and your sporty clothes and the money you steal from people and you made her go with you. That killed her. That’s why she is dead.”
He lifted his fist slowly like he was raising a hammer, but then the noise came from his throat again and he dropped his hand to his side and stood there looking at me, breathing hard and blinking his eyes rapidly.
“Go away from her,” he said. “Leave her alone.”
Harrigan touched my arm and we went outside. All I could see were the knots under her chin. I knew it wouldn’t help to close my eyes.
Harrigan said, “Who was after you, Johnny?”
“Banghart. I went short on a bet.”
“Why did you let her take your car? Didn’t you have sense enough to realize this might happen?”
“I didn’t think about it. She wanted to go for a ride. I was busy, so I let her take the car.”
“Okay, we’ll get after him,” he said. He gave me a funny look and said, “I’ll be seeing you, Johnny.”
I didn’t know what he meant. I didn’t care. I went outside and got a cab and gave the driver Alice’s address.
The pressure was off me. Banghart had trouble of his own now, and we had to move fast while he was busy thinking about his own hide. Frank was out of the way and I had Alice.
That’s what I’d killed for and that’s what I intended to get.
When I got out to her place it was almost two o’clock. The rain had stopped and the air had a cool clean smell. I went into the vestibule of her apartment and rang the bell. When she answered I told her who it was and she pressed the buzzer.
I went up the steps fast. I couldn’t wait to get to her.
She was standing in the doorway with a housecoat pulled around her and her hair down to her shoulders. I caught her in my arms and pulled her inside and kicked the door shut.
We didn’t talk. I pulled her closer to me and held her that way until I could feel her starting to strain and twist against me. Then I shoved her away from me and I could see her eyes shining in the dark.
I picked her up and carried her to the couch. I had never wanted her like this before. I don’t know how much time passed, but the tightness went out of me and while I was lying there with her I knew I’d have done everything over again for just this one time.
I said, “Is there a drink left?”
“Some gin is all.”
“Gin’s fine.”
She got the gin and we drank it with cold water. We didn’t talk for a while. We just laid there in the dark, close together, sipping our drinks. Finally she said, “Is it all right for you to be here, Johnny?”
“Tomorrow morning we’re clearing out, baby. That’s why I’m here,” I said.
She was so still that she didn’t seem to be breathing.
“How about the police?” she said, after a little pause.
“They haven’t got anything on us. They might want us as witnesses, but we can’t wait around. There’s an early flight to the Coast this morning and we’re taking it.”
“What’s happened, Johnny?”
I didn’t have to tell her, but I did. “I’m in trouble, baby. Real trouble. A guy by the name of Banghart is after me and I’ve got to get out. The blonde who was covering up for me got killed tonight. I just came from the morgue. Banghart’s men did it and he’ll be busy with the cops for a few days. While he’s busy we’re clearing out.”