I hurry; it always feels like you run faster at night, and within minutes, I’m across the road from her house. I can see the flicker of candles and take a deep breath, praying that Amber knows something. Without him, I feel like I’m dead inside. I jump as lightning rips across the sky, illuminating Amber’s house and it makes me hesitate.
For a brief second in the lightning, I swear I could see the outline of a person and I feel my hopes soar.
‘Hawk, is that you?’ My voice is drowned out by another roll of thunder, and something else, like screaming brakes, and although my instinct tries to pull me back, I ignore it.
Hawk has shown me what love is, what it can be, and I know he is my future. Nothing is going to stop me.
Ghosts
PRESENT DAY: SATURDAY 14TH - 11AM
My bed is crowded with people, but the harsh light makes my vision blurry. I barely know them, and I wonder why they are all surrounding me. I watch as their shadows creep away from them, stretching across the white ceiling, reminding me of branches. Shadowy fingers stretching like large dark wings.
I try to blink it away, all of it, and can feel my heart fluttering in tune with the beeping of the heart monitor, and guess that it’s to do with the accident. I remember losing my breath. It felt the same way when I was hit in the stomach by a ball, when I was younger. I remember I couldn’t breathe then, and it took ages for me to gasp in some air.
My arms have tubes in them, I hate tubes. From my chest down, I’m covered with a cream hospital blanket and wiggle my toes just in case.
‘Phew, I’m okay.’
I smile around me, wondering at the crowd of people. Some of them are standing there looking at me with their arms folded or hugging someone next to them. I spy Amber and smile knowingly at her. She’s leaning into Andrea, whose arms wind round her protectively. Looks like she’s not an outsider anymore, I think.
Sunlight drifts into the room pushing away the shadows, and I feel a sense of peace rush through me. I can even see the rest of the gathering group; Seth, Nettles, Claudine and Caro. They clump together talking so softly; I wish I knew what they were talking about. Nettles lifts her head to look at me before returning to the huddle; even underneath her shaking curls, I can tell her mood is foul.
She’s shaking her head, and pointing in my direction. Maybe it’s because of the other night, when I walked out, but that was weeks ago. I smile and wave, and wonder where Hawk is. Then I remember and feel hurt that he’s not even bothered to show up. The group look different from Jo-Jo, or maybe it’s my eyes, but they keep flickering, and then fading, reminding me of a light bulb that doesn’t have enough power. I wonder if they’re really here at all, maybe they’re trancing. I push the thought away, praying they’re not, it makes me feel alone, and I don’t like it, I think, looking at the corners of the room.
You’re not alone. The female voice is soft and familiar.
I’m not? I feel confused.
Where’s Hawk? I look for the voice. Everyone is the same as they were, there’s no-one new in the room. Was someone talking to me in my head or outside? When no-one speaks again, I put it down to the accident, feeling my head, it doesn’t hurt. I must have been hit quite hard.
So who are you? It’s difficult to concentrate.
Part of you, have been since the beginning - remember your earth dreams?
The voice answers quickly and I feel myself jolt. Broken images of marble rush at me, of gold bowls with intricate designs. In the vast hallway, there’s something else, someone else and I groan, wishing that I could remember, but the memory feels buried.
But those were dreams, dreams are not reality, this is reality, and I take a deep breath to settle myself. I look round the room again, everything seems brighter, clearer somehow, and the shadowy things that frighten me have disappeared. I raise both hands and look at them, wiggling my fingers then my toes. If I was dreaming, – could I do this? I slump back wondering at the voice, and what my subconscious, means by the beginning – what beginning?
Hey, did you hear me? What beginning?
I tap my fingers on the bed, closing my eyes in irritation. What am I expecting? A fairy godmother?
Immediately I hear the swooshing sound of soft silk against my skin followed by a light touch on my forehead. I close my eyes, feeling myself sink into a deep sleep, and I wonder if the nurse has given me something. A hand rubs my temple, and I sigh. It feels so comforting, almost maternal, as I’m cradled. Somewhere my mind screams reminding me that I’m in the hospital. I push my eyelids apart even though they feel as if they are shut with concrete. I need to see who is holding me. Irritation prickles my skin as I try to focus; everything seems so blurry, like pale sparkly puzzle parts. As if sensing my frustration it moves further away until my brain catches up, and puts it altogether. I gasp in recognition at the most beautiful face I have ever seen. She seems familiar, and I think of the woman that has jumped. The image of the ravine pushes its way to the surface of my memories first, and I wonder if this is before she leaped from the ravine. I can’t stop staring at her skin which glistens like porcelain, but it is the green smiling eyes that hold me. There’s a sigh, and I watch her face move closer before feeling a tender kiss on my nose. Her long blonde hair feels silky as it caresses my cheek and I try to catch it, but it slips through my fingers. Someone giggles then, and I have never felt so content. I reach out dimly aware of the pudgy fingers that have replaced my own. They hover over her face and I watch her briefly close her eyes to my touch. Her skin feels soft and wet from tears and I frown as she pulls away. Fear, and the sudden loss of contact makes my skin come out with goose bumps and I cry then, an alien cry in comparison to my own, shrieking so loudly that I startle myself. I gulp down large breaths before trying to speak but I can’t, and I’m filled with the horror of separation. Eventually there are not even puzzle parts left, just the looming shape of a tall tree, its branches rustling as I scream again. I can see the flower bracelets dangling from my arms as they flail desperately for her. Through the canopy of leaves, darkening clouds seem to echo my mood, and I feel my eyelids close. She is gone, and I’m alone.
10
Dead
SUNDAY
I stare wildly around me, before realising that I’m still in the bright light of the hospital room. There are no swaying branches, only stark white blinds and the beeping of a heart machine. I fall back against the pillow in relief, the anxiety slowly seeping away, replaced with questions. I close my eyes again, asking her.
Did you do that?
Was that you?
Was that me?
A deep disappointment fills me when I hear nothing, although I can smell a perfumed fragrance, but that could have been from anyone. Maybe it’s the unconscious me? She had said that she was part of me. Perhaps I’m just remembering the flowers round my wrists, or being found in a basket. The knock on my head must have opened up a memory of my true mother – but how can it be if she jumped? I breathe deeply, keeping my eyes closed, trying to remember the silky hair that framed the soft face and the green eyes. I instinctively reached for my own, twirling it and wonder if hers changed with the seasons. It must have been summer when she left me, sixteen years ago, in a forest. But left for whom? A bitter, metallic taste fills my mouth – why would anyone leave a child in a forest? It doesn’t make sense. I don’t remember being told about who found me, and took me to the adoption agency. For the first time in my life, I have questions, real questions and need real answers from real people. The pain of the memory feels so raw and real and I try rubbing it away, flinching when I realise that everyone is still looking at me. How long have I been asleep? It can’t have been long – they are still standing in the same place. It feels so weird, as if time has stood still. Amber is still in Andrea’s arms. Mum and Dad are still sitting in the same place next to me. Mum’s head leaning on Dad’s shoulder. I notice that Hawk has still not bothered to turn up, just like earlier. I must have seriously upset him, he seemed so certain that I was special. That I was as special as the next person, although I might be a little crazy at the moment, but I’m allowed to be - which teenager in my shoes wouldn’t be?